Does anyone on here use BDSM as a way of processing sexual assault?

Does anyone on here use BDSM as a way of processing sexual a

Annie8888 • Nov 9, 2018

I read this article: https://www.thedailybeast.com/a-dominatrix-on-healing-sexual-trauma-through-bdsm and I found her comments about the role BDSM can play in revisiting and recovering from sexual trauma very interesting. Did anyone else relate to her experiences?

Allie Kat​(sub trans woman)​{DarkFox} • Nov 9, 2018

What an awesome and heavy question. The answer for me is yes, absolutely. Her article takes a pretty liberal pointed view, and seems to be a little women only focused, but the real message behind it is good.

I also feel like it's part of your mind's healing process to do this naturally. I was using submission as a healing tool since before i knew that was what i was doing. It helped make me feel more normal. It also helped to hear in my head "im allowing this to happen because that is what /i/ want"

I wondered for a long time if i was sick for "fetishising" what happened to me, and i wondered if maybe that was the only reason i felt certain things and i hated that... but i came to realise that it is a lot more about it being /my/ choice, than it is about what happened to me.

Villanelle​(staff) • Nov 9, 2018

I can't speak on this with any personal understanding of the topic, but I will say I have been greatly alarmed in the past watching untrained dominants help their submissives "work through" some heavy issues. I can't help but think that getting professional support is the best way to go if you are suffering from the after effects of some abusive situation. However, our friends and love ones can help us in all sorts of ways, and perhaps some can find value from play to help with these issues.

Oh and when I say "untrained" I don't mean as a dominant, I mean as a licensed mental health professional.

Kara​(sub female)​{Dark Roast} • Nov 9, 2018

Honestly, you're not going to get any answers in depth. Sexual assault is a personal subject. Survivors are going to share their story with people they know and trust, not publically in a forum.

NaivelyOptimistic​(sub female) • Nov 10, 2018

I'm going to say some things that will be very generalizing, so take them with a grain of salt: I think people who've experienced abuse (emotional and physical) are drawn to BDSM for lots of reasons. BDSM, due to the level of trust and vulnerability required, the power dynamics, the physical elements, etc, then has the ability to either reinforce that trauma or to help aid in its healing.

While I do believe in healthy of dynamics BDSM can repair (which would be greatly aided by professional help), I wish this article had also addressed the risks. Where there is the power to mend, there is also the power to cripple. When you have people who are already traumatized coming in looking for at best healing or, at worst, an echo of the abuse they've endured, you have an environment that is ripe for predators and inexperienced partners who can unintentionally re-traumatize.

So, all that to say, there are probably a number of people in BDSM who've experienced abuse. Some may be here to continue that cycle and some seek to heal from it.

WetWhenWhipped88​(sub female) • Nov 10, 2018

To an extent you are right. Except, there are those of us who have been through enough therapy to be a little more comfortable with what we experienced.

I personally have learned that discussing my traumas, from almost being rear-ended at the grocery store to those more serious, deep-seated traumas of my childhood, helps me cope and evaluate the situations.

For me, the answer to the question is yes. Emphatically, yes. The reason that I have such a strong, personal bond with the Dom that I settled down with is because he helped me work through my "triggers" and really helped me learn how different sexual violence can be when it is consensual. He helped me to learn that enjoying what I do sexually does not mean anything negative about my past experiences. It does not diminish what I went through or mean that I enjoyed what I endured simply because my sexual needs lean towards giving up my control. For a long time, I fought my submissive desires because I thought that, by enjoying being dominated, that I was somehow saying that I enjoyed or asked for what was done to me. That simply isn't the case. Once I made it past those thoughts, I thought that my submissive desires meant that I was somehow broken sexually because of what they did to me... that isn't fair either. Consensual sex is completely different than forced sex, regardless of the D/s aspect. Slowly walking me through each aspect of our D/s relationship and making me consent to each and every piece and scene, sometimes begging for the scene to continue, really helped me learn how much consent plays a role and sets the difference.

NaivelyOptimistic​(sub female) • Nov 10, 2018

Thank you for sharing, WWW. I'm really glad to read that first-hand experience.

Allie Kat​(sub trans woman)​{DarkFox} • Nov 10, 2018

I don't know why i thought sharing honestly here was a good idea. I just immediately get told "you shouldn't do that, get professional help" which by the way, you have no idea, i already have. Then i get ignored with "no one is going to reply to this honestly" which, hello, i literally just did... just because i am talking about something very serious and personal doesn't mean i can't talk about it here. I just didn't go in to unnecessary details...

Anyway, thanks W3 and Naieve, your replies really helped me to feel less bad about what i experienced in this. W3 your post was especially empowering, thank you.

sweetd0428​(sub female) • Nov 10, 2018

Actually you're very wrong on that point.

At age 17 I was raped by 2 men and they wrote sent to prison. I myself became pregnant from the rape and my beautiful daughter is soon to be 31.

I received counseling which I do agree with you on , but Rape is a crime And I've never been ashamed about what 2 sick men did to me.

Also I like being submissive as I have always had tu be strong even in my life to life of today.

When I'm tied up the release of tension dissipates and excitement starts to spread. I've never even thought of that night while being with a person I trust to tie me up and do what they have.

But everyone is differnt. And everyone lives variables throughout their lives that shape them and their needs and wants.....some can only be gently touched but that's REALLY A FACT regardless of you've been a rape victim or not.

Everyone has their own likes, loves and dislikes

sweetd0428​(sub female) • Nov 10, 2018

Ps everyone is welcome to ask me any question at all on this topic. I will not be offended. And will be just fine talking on this past matter
Best to you
Deb