Anxiety-ridden Domme

Anxiety-ridden Domme

HuntertheYeenQueen​(dom femme){Allie Kat} • Jan 2, 2019

Hey everyone.

I've noticed one of my biggest issues in trying to take on the Domme role in my relationship, is the insane amounts of anxiety that oftentimes gets in the way and holds me back. Constantly worrying I'm actually being selfish (Even though I've been reassured that my requests are reasonable, I've been fair in my decisions, and my love /likes/ to do things for me), I'm making terrible choices, I'm not good enough, I won't get better, ect... I'm sure you've all heard the fears associated. And when things around me are getting stressful, the anxiety gets worse, to the point that I sometimes feel like collapsing in on myself and giving in. Even a simple task of figuring out whether or not we are eating at one place or the other becomes /too hard/ when that happens. I remember getting so down on myself one time because i couldn't tell what the right choice was for several different instances, that when Wolfy was telling me he was thinking he shouldn't wear the skirt I bought him anymore, because he didn't say specifically the skirt but was looking at it so I should have known, I assumed he meant he should take off his collar and not wear that anymore because I felt like I had been failing him all day long so obviously he felt the same way (Which he didn't, at all)... That wasn't a good time x.x

My problem, is that while my /general/ anxiety is under control now, this new side of it, is so hard to fight. And I feel like it gets in my way a lot, like it's holding me back. Any other Dom/mes deal with anxiety, especially about their position and actions? How did/do you guys deal with it?

A lot of my normal "exercises" for dealing with anxiety don't really help here, so I'm wondering if anyone else has ideas. And maybe even just hearing that others have gone/are going through this too will help me feel better haha.

Fudbar​(dom male){❤️❤️❤️} • Jan 2, 2019

You're not alone, and that's one of the better descriptions of Dom/me drop I've seen. It happens, and we need aftercare and assurance too. Reminders that we're caring humans and not selfish monsters. Feedback and appreciation for the dedication and effort. This is what Dom/me aftercare is for. Cuddles, sweet whispers and chocolates aren't just for s types.

HuntertheYeenQueen​(dom femme){Allie Kat} • Jan 2, 2019

My love is really good at the cuddles haha, and that definitely helps. Oftentimes just having him come home is enough to shut my mind up. So I definitely rely on him and he very much understands that it's a give and take in the aftercare department. But, that in turn brings a little more anxiety sometimes that I rely on him /too/ much x.X I try really hard to ignore that though, especially since he's so good about giving me the reassurance that it's fine for me to lean on him and have him do things to ease my workload. That "trigger" is the easiest I think to fight off.

Cruel2bkind​(dom male) • Jan 2, 2019

Anxiety is a nasty animal. Its like slaming the gas during bumper to bumper traffic.
Now being a Dom seems to calm my anxiety. To be focused on someone else to the point where my thoughts are but whispers. Now I noticed you used the word " try " in your 1st sentence. A Dom just is. Because thats all we know. Now I cannot speak for switches. But all the Doms Dommes ive met. Have no choice but to be that way. So maybe this isnt your comfort? Your way? But thats the wonderful thing about all this . have fun learn what u like . obviously you are loved. Dont discount that.

HuntertheYeenQueen​(dom femme){Allie Kat} • Jan 2, 2019

It's definitely where I'm meant to be. Try wasn't the best word, just the one that comes to mind because, as stated, I question myself all the time. So it feels incorrect to say "I am a Domme" when there's that little voice saying I'm wrong. But, when the "voice" is quiet, it's what feels /right/. When I don't have that nasty voice of anxiety making me question /every little thing/ I do, I don't struggle. It comes naturally. So I know it's me. I just struggle once I feel like I've messed up somewhere and that ends up dragging the voice back.

I find comfort in being a Domme. But, insecurities are good at undermining what feels right. And because of those insecurities I question everything and sometimes hesitate to say what I really feel/what I am. Because that voice tells me that people out there are way better at it (Understandable as I've only been at this for a few months now), so obviously I'm just /not/ a Domme. Even though I know that's not true, I just need to buff myself up and figure out how it works for my husband and I. Which I'm doing, and I feel I'm doing well. When that voice is gone x.x

It's that voice of, "You're being selfish" that makes it hard to just /be/. Because I don't want to be selfish. And, having talked to my husband about it, a lot of the things I'm feeling that way about, I know I'm not, because he wants to do them and it makes him happy. The example here being service things, like making me tea in the morning, or nudging me back into my seat so he can grab whatever I was getting up to grab. It feels selfish to allow that/ask for it, but it's what he wants as well and I know that, he's told me expressly and I don't abuse it to just be lazy. The voice however won't let me relax and enjoy it.

Cruel2bkind​(dom male) • Jan 2, 2019

Maybe this point of view could help.
Ive always thought that true Love should be selfish. Adoration, respect, lust, you always have to throw in the word mutual for it to be for both.
But In its raw, true form you should only love someone for what they do for you. How they make you feel. Now the circle becomes complete because you do the things for him that make him Love you.
So enjoy. His actions are showing his love for you. As your actions do for him.
You guys seem to have great communication. And as long as you have that you guys will always persevere!!!
P.S. my women has always had bad anxiety. If you could give me any tips on how to help her as her Dom. Wether it be tasks, mantras. Ect...I would appreciate it!

MasterBear​(other butch) • Jan 2, 2019

So first thing off the bat what you're going through is normal. Any SANE D type asks themselves these questions especially in the beginning. They tend to fall off over time as the D type becomes more confident in the S-Type is definitely responsive.


Tend to.

Here is an exercise that you can do that can help you get these thoughts under control and your confidence back.


Pick ONE thing and REFUSE to have negative self talk around that thing.

For example----

Let's say that you love to have your coffee made in the morning by your S-Type.


Have your S-Type make your coffee.

While you emotionally confront yourself when any negative self-talk happens


Have something ready to tell yourself when the negative self-talk happens, Something empowering.
Like "this is consensual and fulfilling"


The first time that you do it, you're going to need to have those words at the tip of your tongue all the time. Do not stop confronting yourself. Give yourself time to change and grow. And do not stop the 1 activity.


How you feel is greatly determined by what you tell yourself. Trying to change the tapes in your head to grow into a new role is one of the most difficult things that all D types are faced with.



Any sane D type will from time to time ask themselves these questions. You are in no way alone. However getting over this hump so that you can be more confident in what you ask and how you ask it's going to take a lot of work. You may find that there is a difference within 3 days. You may not. But do not stop. Also only do this with one activity Because the actual brain work is incredibly difficult. So do not overwhelm yourself with doing this with every activity yet.

BruceLD​(dom male) • Jan 2, 2019

Anxiety can be a monster. I don’t have it much in my D/s relationships, but outside of those, self-doubt and self-harm can be crushing.

One of the things that reassures me as a Dom is really *seeing* my sub. Literally looking into their eyes and seeing their desire. Knowing that they want to submit to me and that I am fulfilling their need. Seeing their trust in me. It’s a little hokey, but the eyes are windows into the soul.

Maybe try that with Wolfy. Try to take in his pleasure and feel the positive vibes between the two of you. Make an effort to see and feel his happiness when you are “selfish”. A D/s relationship, like any other, is about the emotional connection. Talking can help too. Hearing what he enjoys most. Listening to the devotion and desire in his voice.

And, as others have said, aftercare, aftercare, aftercare. Reconnecting, whether via cuddles, or his lying on your lap, or over coffee is essential.