BDSM and Mental Illness

BDSM and Mental Illness

MasterBear​(other butch) • Jan 21, 2019

Two weeks ago there was a suicide in our community.


I knew this person and spoke to them in depth about M/s after they had left their abusive BDSM partner.

They leave behind children and a confused community.


Having worked in psych for many years, my take on suicide is somewhat different and not very popular.


That being said.

I have a mental illness - anxiety and depression.
My love has a mental illness- anxiety and depression.


We are both medicated and stable. We both seek therapy when appropriate.

Most people that we know in the life struggle with some sort of mental illness.

Yet I find that the prevailing conversation still contains the idea that those with a mental illness should not play.


I disagree with this on all levels.

But was wondering if anyone here had thoughts on this that they would like to share.

SubAtomic • Jan 21, 2019

Stigma. I wish we could rid ourselves of that when it comes to mental health. This was my first reaction to your post.

BDSM improved my mental health. Without going into detail it unmasked my issues while giving me a place to explore in safety who I really was inside.

>>>>>From the American Psychiatric Association:

Mental illnesses are health conditions involving changes in emotion, thinking or behavior (or a combination of these). Mental illnesses are associated with distress and/or problems functioning in social, work or family activities.

Mental illness is common. In a given year:

nearly one in five (19 percent) U.S. adults experience some form of mental illness
one in 24 (4.1 percent) has a serious mental illness*
one in 12 (8.5 percent) has a substance use disorder
Mental illness is treatable. The vast majority of individuals with mental illness continue to function in their daily lives.

MsTaraDactyl • Jan 21, 2019

You may or may not agree with me:



As a masochist and little:

The lifestyle provides structure I need to live with my MI. I have accountability, and a support.

Also, the receiving of pain and resulting tears basically resets me when I'm not in a good headspace.



My $.02




Also, my condolences on the loss of a friend.

Fudbar​(dom male){❤️❤️❤️} • Jan 21, 2019

Mental health is Heath. Period.

Just like any other health condition, it shouldn't keep you from enjoying whatever lifestyle you choose to lead. Obviously consideration and modifications need to be made depending on condition, but that's just as true if the condition is physical or mental.

Know your limitations, play within them and it's a non issue.

As for BDSM helping with mental health, yes I think it can. There are certainly risks there, but therapeutic play with a loving, responsible partner can go places where a traditional therapy would be limited by ethics and professional guidelines.

Think of it as driving offroad vs highway driving. It can be a bumpy exciting ride that takes you to exciting places you couldn't get to otherwise, but if you break down out there, you're all alone in the deep woods and not at the side of the highway where you can call a tow truck. Risk vs reward.

dollMaker​(dom male) • Jan 21, 2019

Very sorry for the loss MasterBear.

Re: BDSM and Mental Illness

Zaramia​(dom female) • Jan 21, 2019

FIRST, I AM INCREDIBLY SORRY FOR YOUR LOSS.

Second, I did struggle with the idea of posting this, and have decided to hit reply anyway. I think that we, as humans, are always looking for a "why", and it is so easy to grab any lifestyle choice and run with it as an excuse to be exclusionary. My absolute opinion is that if you are not taking all the steps you can take to be healthy and transparent with your teammates/coach/self, you're going to need to find a team that is making adaptive choices to accommodate that. I, personally, may or may not be willing to make accommodations - that is incredibly situational. That's most of my opinion.

I have written and thought this statement so many times in my life.
There was a senseless death in my community. I knew this person and spoke to them in depth about (HEALING, GETTING HELP, RECOVERY, RESOURCES) after they had left, or been left by, their partner/job/ parent, refused to treat an underlying medical condition, continued on a path of self destruction, etc. They leave behind children and a community, some of whom are shocked and confused, and some of whom just hope the person finds the peace in death they could not find in life. We all feel that we have failed, somehow, and we are questioning the "valuable resources" and "supportive Community" that we each believe we have created, and that we thought would provide a safety net to help us avoid dealing with the trauma and pain of dealing with the life and/or death choices others might make. It is always confusing when love and support are not enough. It is important to remember that even though something is offered, the person it is being offered to is not always in a place to accept, and sometimes is unable to process it, even if they can receive it. It is also important to remember that not all of us is always, or ever, in a place to give.

My take on suicide is imminently unpopular. It is my opinion that it is your right to choose to live or die, as much as it is your right to choose to drink, or not; to dance, or not; to submit, or not; to eat, exercise, swear, study, whatever, or not.

Most people I know, in my real life - whatever their preferences are in kink, or tea, or cheese, or sports team, or anything else, are, in fact, struggling to hold it together some days. Some are medicated and in treatment of some sort, for diabetes, bone or muscle injuries, some other temporary or chronic illness of the mind, spirit, or body. Some are time bombs, waiting to go implode. Some are carefully managed, and only have occasional flare ups. Some are living daily in an apparent state of perfect mental and physical health. Saying that anyone who is not in perfect health cannot play, is essentially saying the game is over. There is no game if there are no players. When a team sport or lifestyle choice is abusive, it's abusive - whether that's the choice to live in a BDSM scene 24/7 (extreme), or to eat only cheeseburgers and fries 3x a day (also extreme). It is possible to make self abusing choices, no matter your lifestyle - eating disorders are rampant and solitary, as are marathon runners and other adrenaline junkies. If you are playing on a team, you should have a coach and a referee on hand. If it's a solitary sport, you get the support you need from others in the game. If you make stupid choices, they are your choices to make, even if that choice is to stay in a harmful place. Living well, and playing hard, requires a great deal of strength and utilization of the resources we have available to us - whether that is a supportive partner or community, medical monitoring and medication, or holistic whatever. If yoga gets you through the day, rock on. If you need a large dose of heart meds, or chemical stabilizers, or insulin, rock that, too.

Again, I am sorry for the loss and pain so many of us have around the losses in our community.
zara

MasterBear​(other butch) • Jan 21, 2019

@Zara



My take on suicide is the same.
In my mind you have a right to choose if life is or isnt the best option for you.
I am not pro suicide
I am pro choice.

Over the years having cared for so many where life is a haunted experience. They never have peace. Fighting the voices or the emotions or the simple task of waking to another day takes more strength then humanly possible.



My mother knew a woman whose suicide note read "this is the only decision that I make solely for me".


I hope that my friend is at peace. I hope that they now exist in painless place.

TakenLower • Jan 21, 2019

I’m very sorry to hear about the suicide. It breaks my heart to think that someone feels so trapped by themselves that suicide is the only way out, mostly because I’ve been there.

All my life I have felt like something was “wrong” with me (I’m 40). I blamed my vibrant mood swings on PMS mostly. I mentioned it to my Gyno a couple of times and he put me on some antidepressants. Those made me worse, and I just thought well if that didn’t work I’m just going to have to deal with it along with everyone else in my life. It went this way for years.

It’s a long story that some of you may know but I actually ended up finding out that I’m Bipolar through BDSM. I finally pushed my limits so hard that I got stuck in a manic phase (man that was fun!) for several months. I eventually had a psychotic episode (that was also kinda cool), and although I caused no harm to anyone (Apparently I’m a very docile and cute crazy person) I did end up hospitalized for a few weeks, and came home with a brand new diagnosis and multiple medications.

These medications are very strong and for the past (close to) year I’ve been working with a psychiatrist trying to get the balance just right. I gained a lot of weight, spent months sleeping, and going through some real bullshit depression but I’m finally feeling like we’re getting the dosages leveled out.

My point is that if you have a problem and feel like something is wrong see a doctor or multiple doctors until you find a diagnosis. Yes, I gained a lot of weight but weight can be lost, and yes I lost a few months due to excessive sleepiness but now that I’m feeling normal it has all been worth it.

Many people feel ashamed about mental illness and I think that’s sad. It isn’t any different than any other chronic illness. The less secretive and ashamed you are of your mental illness the more likely you are to control it (with help!).

I have been steering clear of any type of play because the flood of dopamine and seratonin that one experiences can flip my mood and trigger an episode. I haven’t decided if I’ll ever try again but if I do I’ll be very careful with myself.

I hope anyone out there that reads this feels free to reach out to me. I don’t know it all but I am very well versed in the things I’ve personally experienced.

MasterBrads painpet​(sub female){OWNED} • Jan 21, 2019

MasterBear.... Sorry for your loss.

Every thing you are saying is true. Like yourself I have a different take on suicide.

I have depression and anxiety as well. I find medication and therapy are the first things one should focus on. Second is a good support system. When you mentioned people with mental illness should not play it's crazy. That is like being told because you are a BBW you shouldn't play or be in bondage.

This being said... Some people including myself this is one of the best therapy and support system I've seen. It helps to have a positive atmosphere. Since I've been on TheCage I can say what comment S and people I've met have helped.

I know I have mental illnesses on me but at any point when it's not appropriate I won't play. I will seek my Dom out or a friend to speak with. This is just my thoughts. Again my thoughts are with you.