Is what I'm doing Fair?

Is what I'm doing Fair?

MasterBear​(other butch) • Jan 27, 2019

Years ago I had read a BDSM book. The writer talks about how they had a vetting system for new prospective submissives. The writer would take the new person to a bar. The writer would give no expectations or parameters for the visit. Then the writer would sit back and watch to see what the new person did naturally. If the new person went out about the bar and left the writer alone then the writer automatically weeded them out. If the new person chose to stay next to the writer and offered them drinks and so forth then they were a keeper.


At the time that I read it I remember thinking it's really not fair to judge people on no expectations. I really felt that the writer was setting up the person for failure.

Since then my thoughts on this have changed 180 degrees.


I have this new person who wants to play with me. So I sent them 5 negotiation questions. Real simple stuff. I'm finding that not only are they not answering the questions but as they are not answering the questions my interest is absolutely waning.


I am not a chaser. My play and sex plates are very full. I don't mean to seem egotistical here but I am very good at what I do. I am an extremely skilled player and my time is very valuable.



I refuse to be a play Pez dispenser.


People who I play with have to be able to bring something to my table.


All of that being said what this is boiling down to for me is that if somebody isn't going to openly and eagerly communicate with me then I don't need to waste my time.


Here I am doing the same thing that the writer did just under different circumstances.


So I have to ask myself "am I being fair?"


Does it matter that this person would probably act very differently if they knew that this was a test ?


Am I setting somebody up for failure by having these expectations that I do not share. I simply wait to see what they will do. Then make my decision based on what they naturally do.



For me the weed out factor is directly tied to the fact that I don't chase. I kind of have the mindset of " it's your job to show me why I need to spend my time, effort, energy and skill on you.".


I am curious to hear what everybody here thinks.

alawey​(sub female){(OWNED BY } • Jan 27, 2019

mmmmm. while i can see the dont chase thing . to connect it takes two both showing some level of interest and commutation and such.

but on the other hand seeing you said that you send them things and they didnt respone. i think that the ball is in thier court to say.

"Does it matte that this person would probably act very differently if they knew that this was a test ?"

i think we all would act differently if we knew something was a test. That being said, i was told to look at everything as it was a test once. so therefore i did and still do, I know that there are some that will feel that this might be a wrong way to look at things. but it helps to slow down my mind sometimes when i want to say or do something . i sit back and think hard on it ( ughhh the brain pain)

"Am I setting somebody up for failure by having these expectations that I do not share. I simply wait to see what they will do. Then make my decision based on what they naturally do."

i dont think so a 100% . if you want them to be real than allow their true actions to come out . seeing that this is a play not relationship, then chasing is definty not going to happen and i would think anyone would know that.

just my two cents

TakenLower • Jan 27, 2019

I think it’s absolutely fair. If someone isn’t willing to answer five little questions without being prompted it says a lot.

We all have our little checklists when evaluating another person, and it has nothing to do with fairness. If you really are questioning your judgment then tell them about the failure, and see how they react. You can always give a second chance.

Zaramia​(dom female) • Jan 27, 2019

Since you're curious to hear what everybody thinks, I will throw my hat into the ring.

I don't chase. I will throw out a hey, you are interesting, line on occasion, but for the most part, my life is also full and I have a lot going on. I figure if one of us expresses interest, and it's truly a spark for both of us, communication will happen and continue, and become more personal and vulnerable on both our parts.

I am not afraid of falling deeply in love and commitment, but I am also not willing to rush in without thought, or if it is not the right move for both of us. I weed excessively. I've asked some of the most powerful and respected Dom's in the world for references, and I have followed up with them. I have respectfully stepped out of the water as soon as I think this is not the right end of the pool for either of us. I think life is too short to feel like you want a life jacket, or to gaze longingly at deeper waters. Both are completely unfulfilling destinies, and both are absolutely preventable.

I don't want to share my "test", or "expectations" with anyone, because almost everyone will either try to meet them, or break them, and me. It is a rare individual who can know the desired answers and still be true to themselves. I am not interested in anyone who is willing compromise themselves to be with me, or who expects me to compromise the essence of who I am for the sake of being in a relationship with them.

Is it unfair? Does it matter? If you are in relationship with people who are respectful and loving, and you all adore and care for one another, does it matter if the selection process is deemed "fair" by other sources?

There are many who will tell me that I have no right to have these opinions, or any criteria, as a sub. They are not my people. I need each of us to be more fully who we are, as a result of being together. If that's not your need, too - you are not my people. it's pretty simple. Fair is not something that comes into play, unless we're sharing m and m's. Then I'd like to have a count - even if you do get 2 for my 1.

my 2 cents.
zara

Re: Is what I'm doing Fair?

MissBonnie​(dom female){oz} • Jan 28, 2019

If they cant be bothered to answer five simple question that help you, then what else cant they be bothered with? or think you just magically know. The beginning is the period when the most interest is given, Its when effort is normally at full tilt (or should be) from a submissive (and even the D). If they cant give initial interest on the simple stuff, then the harder to answer stuff will pass them by or they aren't ready for the stage you are at. As a Dom/me we need "input" into a person, for that persons own benefit (for things like safety, clarification of limits, desires, aims etc). If they can't help themselves by answering 5 negotiation questions.....how are we (or we should we?) dominants supposed to even go there without the basic covered,first and foremost!

I see nothing wrong with making your life less complicated in the process of vetting new subs/partners/players....after all; a subs life should be about making your life easier and less complicated and from that they benefit and get, what they need too. Isn't the whole idea, that a sub compliments your life choices? For myself having a sub is a fine balance of power play, that benefits us both. By not answering a simple few questions, it seems the benefit is lopsided before it begins.
I say file 13 or otherwise known as the delete or trash button.

Allie Kat​(sub trans woman){DarkFox} • Jan 28, 2019

I think you are totally fair. I think the only way you wouldn't be being fair is if you then berated them later or something. It is absolutely a good idea to see how someone is naturally because that is who they are at their core. It is, in fact, in my opinion unfair to ask someone to change themselves to be with you. You either like them or you don't haha. That honsety right in the beginning seems to me like respect, wisdom and fair. I am curious what the questions were/are though haha when people can't answer simple questions i get exhausted too. No one is a deep thinker anymore.

AYASHE​(sub female) • Jan 28, 2019

This person seeked you out to play. But doesn't answer the questions you have asked. In my personal opinion I think your being fair if this person is really serious about it then the questions shouldn't be an issue as I'm guessing they could also help you judge how the play will go. if they are avoiding them then are they hiding something ( yep i have a lack of trust in people lol have no clue why ???) knowing how some one acts naturally is always a good indication on how things will progress.
I personally would like to know how they naturally are then a mask they choose to hide behind if they knew it was a test.
This is just my personal thoughts but I'm guessing there is no right or wrong way to do things as we are all different

AYASHE​(sub female) • Jan 28, 2019

This person seeked you out to play. But doesn't answer the questions you have asked. In my personal opinion I think your being fair if this person is really serious about it then the questions shouldn't be an issue as I'm guessing they could also help you judge how the play will go. if they are avoiding them then are they hiding something ( yep i have a lack of trust in people lol have no clue why ???) knowing how some one acts naturally is always a good indication on how things will progress.
I personally would like to know how they naturally are then a mask they choose to hide behind if they knew it was a test.
This is just my personal thoughts but I'm guessing there is no right or wrong way to do things as we are all different

AYASHE​(sub female) • Jan 28, 2019

Sorry phone having a spaz smh

MasterBear​(other butch) • Jan 28, 2019

@wolfy


Here are the questions:




One- do I need to ask the one protecting you for permission to play?

Two- what are your limits and triggers?

Three- anything medical I need to know?

Four- I was thinking clothespins and then flogging or caning them off. How does that sound?

Five- what parts of your body are off limits?




Not complex.