A soft release

A soft release

Bunnie • Feb 2, 2019

So, I read blogs a lot. Something that occurred to me is that us subs are a needy bunch lol. What this made me realise is that this puts a lot of pressure on Dominants. I’m not saying that they’re not capable of handling that, or even mind that they have to. What did occur to me though, is a thought... and some questions...

What do you do as a Dominant if you realise that your submissive isn’t the right person for you? How do you “let them go?” Do you have a specific way of dealing with that type of situation?

I imagine it must be so very difficult, knowing how much it could crush someone, however, being your responsibility to know what’s best for them, knowing when to let them go also falls under that category. It occurred to me that ghosting may occur as frequently as it does, because some haven’t learned ways of knowing how to handle these types of situations.

So I’m wondering... are there any Dominants (or submissives) willing to discuss this, and perhaps share some advice on more gentle ways of letting a submissive go? Thank you in advance to anyone willing to contribute

Asteria​(neither female) • Feb 2, 2019

First, I cannot help but comment on this part: "Something that occurred to me is that us subs are a needy bunch lol. What this made me realise is that this puts a lot of pressure on Dominants."

Now, when I read blogs, forum etc., I can see submissives writing about their needs, yes. One might say that they are oh so needy (the horror!). But let's look a little bit closer... Usually those needs are very basic. What do they need? What do I need as well? Honesty, open communication, loyalty, and pretty basic care. Basic human needs. Needs that are applicable not only to kinky relationships, but also friendships and so on. If having them makes people "needy", and puts pressure on those who are in relationships with them, then... I think I am going to lose the rest of faith in humanity.


But, to answer on your question... Soft release? Well, maybe in some cases it is possible. But pretty often life is not as easy as we would like it to be, and breakups of all kinds are rather difficult.
What I know even from my experience, that honest communication is needed. And not only when push comes to shove. Usually when someone decides to leave, it does not happen overnight. In most cases it's a whole process that changes their feelings and so on. They process the whole thing in their head, and then, suddenly come up with the outcome. One cannot say "I love you" on Friday, and then on Saturday decide to leave. Being open and honest at every stage of relationship helps a lot. Giving someone time to prepare themselves for upcoming events might be helpful as well.
Sometimes such simple thing like letting them know that the relationship was maybe not perfect, but still good and wasn't waste of time or complete mistake, is really needed.
There is probably no miracle cure, no ideal recipe how to end relationship, because every single case is different, but we all should keep in mind that it's a very difficult experience itself, and there is no need to make it even harder by not being empathetic.

Beastly​(dom male){Not Lookin} • Feb 2, 2019

I would suppose you go about it the same way you do any relationship and breakup. I don't think there is a gentle way to break up with someone as long as the relationship is based in emotion. It's not something you can logic your way out of, however there are certainly bad ways to go about it. As with most things in a relationship I personally feel like communication is key here, to be as clear as you can with your thoughts and feelings when ending things.

curiouskittyy​(sub female){GentlemanX} • Feb 2, 2019

I agree Ast. I also think that Dominants are just as needy. The submissives in this community just tend to blog about it more. If you have a look at those who blog .. most are submissives. So I can see why it looks that way.

I also think breakups/telling someone they aren’t right for you is always going to be difficult. I struggle with this a lot and sometimes am guilty of unintentionally leading people on. I think like Asteria said.. continuous open communication is the best way to ensure everyone is on the same page and to minimise any hurt feelings that may occur.

Miss Magdalena​(sub female){FreeSpirit} • Feb 2, 2019

I agree with the aforementioned in regards to neediness. I think when that connection is strong, we are especially needy of one another, at least from my experience. Validation is super important to both sides. I think you are right though Bunnie, that it can get exhaustive. But I find that, that happens mostly when there is some kind of miscommunication or disconnect in the relationship. There is likely a level of “neediness” we all can tolerate, and I have found that to correlate with the degree in which we connect and desire the other person.

In regards to releasing me back in the wild:

I would want to be let go, similarly to how I’ve let the men in my life go. With compassion, understanding, and love. It’s tough when you know you’re making the right choice and have to be the person to end things. There are probably a lot of relationships that carry on way past their expiration date, simply because neither party wants to let go. While I do value honesty to a tremendous degree, I do feel that my compassion would temper the bare naked truth of why I’m ending something. The person would likely leave with a good idea of why we couldn’t be together anymore, but I would spare them some hurt if I could.

Hydra1234​(dom male) • Feb 2, 2019

As a former partner once taught me, sometimes people enter your life at the wrong time. When it comes to letting a submissive go I find it incredibly hard however the reason for wanting to let her go most likely has developed overtime and is therefore the correct thing to do.

When it comes to consolodating feelings, sometimes it’s better to allow time to heal the wounds of the heart, rather then trying to force them to heal. I’ve been both on the giving and recieving end of breakups and although they leave me in tears I can look back on them and say “That person was great” (Bar the abusive first girlfriend).

Now in terms of neediness I am probably just as needy as the next person, I need hugs, gratification when it comes to life decisions that I have made the right choice (Though that is due to my depression more then anything else) and overall I need to 100% know that the person on the otherside of the relationship is just as madly in love with me as I am with them.

HisRedd{Self} • Feb 2, 2019

I have to say I think everyone is needy, we just have different needs. I wouldn’t say it only applies to subs, because I have came across some very needy Dom as well. I thinks a clear understanding/communication of ones expectations will help fill those needs.

As far as letting someone go (soft release) that is also a double edged sword. But again clear communication is appreciated in the process. Maybe let them know why it is not working for you. Or whatever the real reason for walking away is. I feel it is harder to get over a breakup if you don’t know why you broke up. Even if the reason might hurt, “the truth shall set you free.”

?

MasterBrads painpet​(sub female){OWNED} • Feb 2, 2019

All are very good points. I think we are all needy in some shape or form. We each express it differently. Just like each of handles rejection. Because if truth be told break ups are a form of rejection it's just a more negative word. In turn though it is how the person comes to me to tell me we can't continue. If there is communication and no tempers it makes it a little easier. We also should remember some people wear their feelings on their sleeves.

I see Doms as a men who have all this control and use it during play. The outside world can get them too. It's (to me his sub) my place during his needy times to try even hard to be there. Only because of how many times has he been there for me. Just a different way I guess to realize Doms are needy and how to address it.

Loulou​(sub female) • Feb 2, 2019

I really don’t like breaking up with people but I would never do it deliberately to hurt anyone as I hate hurting people.
I weigh up the score before I end things and usually do it because I believe it is for the best for both parties. You can have a relationship where love etc is there but other factors can affect the relationship and no matter what love is there the barriers are too great . Yes love should conquer all but in reality that isn’t always the case.
I can be too needy in a relationship but it is something I am working on.
If I think I have hurt someone I go way overboard to make it up to them when sometimes really you have to let go . Great post .

Bunnie • Feb 2, 2019

Great responses and advice so far, thank you to those who’ve responded

My apologies all... I forget that the word “needy” is seen as a negative word by most. I don’t see it that way, however it’s always a good reminder to try to be aware of potential triggers for others when writing anywhere.

Also, something I would like to clarify that I thought about afterwards, is that I do understand that this is a two-way street... I fully recognise that there would be Dominants that are ghosted by submissives as well. So I apologise also for making it so one sided.