| HearaKaylee(sub female){Taken} |
5 years ago •
Apr 2, 2019
Start implementing a D/S relationship without sex
I’m new to this sight and am looking to explore a BDSM relationship. Me and my partner have talked about our interested in the lifestyle however we have yet to have sex. I’m still a virgin and I’m looking for him to be my first. I don’t want our first time to be in a scene, but I’m looking to start implementing the Dominate Submissive relationship, he isn’t very confidante and has a hesitation when it comes to taking charge (wither it be where to eat, picking wine, or what movie to go to)
Any suggestion welcome |
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rosethorn(sub female)
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5 years ago •
Apr 2, 2019
Is he comfy with the idea of a D/s style relationship and have you had an open conversation between you of what that will mean for you both. You both have needs that need meeting.
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DrWakko
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5 years ago •
Apr 2, 2019
D/s has nothing to do with sex. There are plenty of D/s relationships that have nothing to do with sex. I would suggest getting Peter Masters BDSM Relationship book (it’s 3 books in 1). Read it together and discuss each chapter together.
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Dominus Blakesley(dom male){Amaris Anc}
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5 years ago •
Apr 2, 2019
Before anything, it is natural to have a relationship without sex. It all depends on your patience and your dynamic with each other, of course, but do not think it will get in the way of this lifestyle you are looking to implement.
For one, is your lover confident at all, not just in the sense of taking charge? If you are looking to build a Dominant-submissive relationship with him (assuming you are the submissive and you wish for him to be the Dominant), then you ought to help him build up more confidence for a start. Encourage him when you can, coax him into taking charge or even take pleasure in doing so. Just be careful, we do not want him to become power-happy and become an instadom. Encourage him carefully and slowly. Until he is confident, it would be difficult to seek out that Dominant in him when you eventually get into play. I also suggest exploring more of what he is into, generally whether it be kinks or fetishes or even SFW things like plain hobbies. See what he likes and learn from there--if he happens to enjoy being a team leader of a group of any kind or make plans (disregarding your mention of his hesitancy), that may clue you in as to whether or not he would he fit for Dominancy, even a little. Otherwise, help him search himself in that regard. If he cannot find himself Dominant, you cannot force it, but I am sure you can, again, encourage him into the role. Good luck on this matter, best of wishes to you and your partner. Remember to take it slow and careful, and to give him the proper encouragement when needed. |
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| HearaKaylee(sub female){Taken} |
5 years ago •
Apr 2, 2019
rosethorn wrote: Is he comfy with the idea of a D/s style relationship and have you had an open conversation between you of what that will mean for you both. You both have needs that need meeting.
Yes I have, I’d been trying to figure out away to bring up the topic for awhile and told him about my interests. He said it’s something that he’s never tried and is interested in, and would start doing research on the lifestyle |
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| HearaKaylee(sub female){Taken} |
5 years ago •
Apr 2, 2019
Dominus Blakesley wrote: Before anything, it is natural to have a relationship without sex. It all depends on your patience and your dynamic with each other, of course, but do not think it will get in the way of this lifestyle you are looking to implement.
For one, is your lover confident at all, not just in the sense of taking charge? If you are looking to build a Dominant-submissive relationship with him (assuming you are the submissive and you wish for him to be the Dominant), then you ought to help him build up more confidence for a start. Encourage him when you can, coax him into taking charge or even take pleasure in doing so. Just be careful, we do not want him to become power-happy and become an instadom. Encourage him carefully and slowly. Until he is confident, it would be difficult to seek out that Dominant in him when you eventually get into play. I also suggest exploring more of what he is into, generally whether it be kinks or fetishes or even SFW things like plain hobbies. See what he likes and learn from there--if he happens to enjoy being a team leader of a group of any kind or make plans (disregarding your mention of his hesitancy), that may clue you in as to whether or not he would he fit for Dominancy, even a little. Otherwise, help him search himself in that regard. If he cannot find himself Dominant, you cannot force it, but I am sure you can, again, encourage him into the role. Good luck on this matter, best of wishes to you and your partner. Remember to take it slow and careful, and to give him the proper encouragement when needed. Thank you so much for your input! He has told be that he isn’t as confidante as he wish he was, his last relationship was an abusive one and has really affected how he sees himself |
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Dominus Blakesley(dom male){Amaris Anc}
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5 years ago •
Apr 3, 2019
Ah, that would do it... Yes, he would definitely need coaxing and a confidence boost, especially as he was on the receiving end of that mentioned abuse. This should give you a good idea as to how to work on your approach though, knowing what he had dealt to him. Slow and steady, as they say, I am sure that with time, he would come to be the Dominant you have always wanted him to be.
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Azzabackam(switch male){PawPawGirl}
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5 years ago •
Apr 3, 2019
Something that helps Doms that have trouble directly dominating is to write out their rules. For example, he can write out seven sets of instructions, one for each day, as light or heavy as you'd both be comfortable with. "Do x chore" "Wear x outfit" "Spend x amount of time sitting at my feet" "Prepare for dinner at x restaurant at y time", then put them in envelopes and label them for the day they're meant to be opened. A lot of shy/new Doms find it easier to use indirect methods like this.
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rosethorn(sub female)
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5 years ago •
Apr 3, 2019
Maybe it would be an idea to do that research together so you can both put your perspectives forward, you might find areas to discuss you both like or that you don't, it really doesn't have to have anything to do with sex either. I cant think of another way to put it but KINK and D/s style BDSM doesn't have to be the same thing. It could be that he is still processing the information. I think Dr Wakko's idea was a good one. After having a chat and seeing which parts of the dynamic interest you, you could have a date for a few hours in that style and see if you both feel comfy in it and have a chat the next day. Such as going out to lunch. He needs to feel comfy in that decision but also why you like it, some Doms can really struggle with seeing things from a sub perspective and feel guilty about how things work. There is such a thing as Dom drop and frenzy and the best bit of advice I can give is that aftercare is for both of you sub and Dom and having very difficult honest and open conversations is the best way forward I have personally found. It was six months before both me and the guy I was seeing had the connection and ability to have that conversation, where we liked BDSM. Its a difficult and awkward place to be, but you both know yourselves best and im not going to lie and say its a comfy place to be its awkward but having those chats is one of the best parts of D/s as you start to build the connection needed. xx Hope that helps.
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| HearaKaylee(sub female){Taken} |
5 years ago •
Apr 3, 2019
@Rousehorn
I have no issue started the topic, I just don't want to get to much in the habit of taking control since its not the role I want to play. As well as I don't want to cause him to rely on me %100. Also I'm not sure how he'd feel in a Sub role because of his past with his ex, also me as a Dom is something that I don't know if I can do without some level of fear since it a role was force into by his ex (abuse) |
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