Please help: what the hell am I?

Please help: what the hell am I?

Azzabackam​(switch male){PawPawGirl} • May 23, 2019

Hello everyone. I'm in a place of confusion and self-doubt, and I really need some external insight.

For the longest time, I've thought of myself as a switch. My longest relationship had me in a Dominant role 98% of the time. I thoroughly enjoy it. I like the feeling of responsibility, of fulfilling my partner's needs, of being a leader. However, I also thoroughly enjoy being in a submissive role. The thought of a Domme that fits me sounds wonderful (partially related, shout-out to childhood trauma giving some of us our kinks).

I thought this meant I was a switch, since I enjoy both sides. However, I had a friend tell me that doesn't necessarily mean my role, or how I identify myself, has to reflect that. I could just be a Dom who mildly enjoys subbing, or a sub that greatly enjoys Domming too.

And now I'm all kinds of fucked up! What should I call myself, and introduce myself as? What does the community expect someone with my inclinations to be, so I don't mislead anyone into expecting something I'm not?

AKittenforSir​(sub female){JohnBond} • May 23, 2019

There is no “should”. Tell your friend to worry about their own selves and not worry about whatever label you put on yourself. There’s no right or wrong. Whatever makes you feel most comfortable and makes the most sense to you.

If you are happy being the D in a D/s relationship but also would be happy being the s.... that doesn’t make you one or the other. If you’re both then you’re both. You don’t have to choose.

SweetSirRendering​(sub female) • May 23, 2019

it is what you feel you are in the end. i don’t think labels should apply specifically to what is enjoyed in the bedroom, but who you are overall. Maybe, i can help with the following details, but because i am not a switch i may not be the best source and i do recommend speaking to some switches .

i am a masochistic submissive and have a Sadistic Dom. i am submissive to Him always in our relationship, but in the bedroom i’m His slave. sometimes, he wants me to “top”, but i’m serving and giving Him what He wants and am by no means a Domme, although i can pretend if asked hehehe. even though we enjoy so many fun things sexually, in the end, in our lives i am submissive to my Dominant partner. even though i have a sadistic mind i save it for feeding my masochistic self to my Sadistic Dom. i am not a slave 24/7 and am not a Domme or a Switch just because in the bedroom, i can play one a lil bit to serve. My Dom is my Sir, my Love, My Daddy, my Sadist, my Master, my Best Friend; he is all these things and i call him my Dom. Some find they are only one or a couple of these things and some manage to be all at once or different times.

labels are helpful in finding the right relationship dynamic, for understanding and expressing your needs and those of your partner(s), but remember that there is so much fluidity in sexuality and even in our identities when we are open to it, that we don’t need to put ourselves into a box and lock it.

<3 i hope any of this helps

Freya369 • May 23, 2019

I am a switch...or lable myself as such....not that I have had much blumming chance to do either! I think we are all getting hung up on nomenclature! Tri, bi, poli, polo...just made that one up, transpersonal....just kidding ...trans, pans...sorry can't stop myself ...giraffe has always appealed..but seriously...for me....not that I am holding my breath...I love both..and can do both...probably cause I am bi...and kind of understand both energies? Who really cares...find the right match...and enjoy what comes freely to you both....labels are for cans!

Freya the giraffe.

SweetSirRendering​(sub female) • May 23, 2019

i agree, Freya, and i don’t. i see labels as positive if we dont let a stereotype in a label define who we are. i see them as pencil outlines. we can color inside or out and we can erase and redraw our borders any which way we choose at any time.

labels are positive in that they can help us with understanding our identities and for finding solidarity in communities of people with similarities in their outlook or experiences, like BDSM or LGBTQ etc.

i feel that labels are not oppressive; people can be oppressive. labels are only as oppressive as we allow them to be. as we give labels to ourselves, we should never presume to label another or add stereotypes to these labels. we decide what our identities are called. the labels themselves which we give ourselves do not dictate who we are. people will be as confused or as clear about their sexuality and identity as they are, and it is perfectly normal and acceptable.

labels help give us a language, words, a voice to discuss concepts of oppression and privilege; labels can help flip oppression to resistance and protection.

so no locked boxes, but we can mark whether the contents may belong in the bedroom or the bathroom... or both, to help act as a guide with the organizing and the unpacking

MasterBrads painpet​(sub female){OWNED} • May 23, 2019

I think it's what makes you happy. I mean really I really do because it's about you as a person and your kink.

Labels are good they don't define you but shows who you are. It's like Mr/Mrs/Miss/Ms. Some say it's a box but if the box is allowed to stay open it makes you as a person open

Goodness Id be such a naughty sub if I knew my Sir like to sub at times. You all could come up with so many things for playtime. It would make for interesting fun.

I say be who you are in your heart. If you feel you are a Dom and that's where your pleasure lies. Go for it

Soulweaver​(dom male) • May 23, 2019

In my opinion, the thing about this lifestyle that attracts me the most is the freedom to choose my own identity. I began in the lifestyle oh so many years ago as a submissive to a Domme. After 3 years of putting up with me topping from the bottom, she mercifully ended that relationship. I then began a journey of learning, in which ended with me exerting my Dominance and I continue on that road today.

That however, is not the end of my story, as I sometimes have fantasies of being topped by a Domme once again. It doesn't make me less Dominant, to me it's more of a "kink" or a stretching of the boundaries so to speak. Now, the question is, will I ever cross that bridge again? As yet I have not, but who here can predict the future?

Basically, I believe you are free to choose the label(s) that fit...or not. Want to consider yourself a switch, sure go ahead. Want to be a Dom, that enjoys a little subbing, who am I to say it isn't "natural?" Want to Top from the bottom, well as long as you are prepared for the potential consequences, I say go for it! Anyone that professes to know the "one true way" is full of shit in my opinion. This is your kink, your way. Have fun and go smack an ass or two!

MD

MasterBear​(other butch) • May 24, 2019

Introduce yourself as "searching".
Or " in flux "
Or "enjoying the journey of self discovery "

You don't have to be a "thing" .


Enjoy the ride

Bunnie • May 24, 2019

Hi @ Azzabackam​,

If you want to call yourself a Switch, call yourself a Switch. For me personally, if that’s how you described yourself, it would make sense to me. I really respect the fact that you’re trying to not mislead anyone.

I think a simple conversation early on should help to clarify or help to avoid any confusion. As you can see... I don’t “advertise” what I am at all. I have my reasons for this, however, I have found that it seems to attract only those who have a specific interest in me for who I am... or who recognise my characteristics as being something that matches what they’re looking for... so in the end... no explanation is really needed. People either see something they want or they don’t. If they do, they’ll dig deeper, and if not, they’ll move on and leave that space for someone else

Soulweaver​(dom male) • May 24, 2019

Bunnie, me thinks the lady doth make great sense!