Desires ruining my relationship

Desires ruining my relationship

BrunettePrincess​(sub female) • Jun 28, 2019

So I need some advice and I’d prefer the TRUTH not just what I want to hear. I’m in a vanilla relationship and have recently been wanting to dive deeper into the BDSM lifestyle. I was really wanting to try heavy bondage and mmf. My boyfriend said he would give it a chance and at least go to a club/party locally. When talking about mmf, he said he would only with one of his friends. I’m personally not attracted to this guy in any way and I don’t want to participate in something like that with someone we talk to on a daily. My boyfriend said I could find a dom to train us so I came to this site. Now, things have changed. His friend said his gf and him are in the lifestyle and never had someone teach them, meaning we didn’t either. However, with heavy bondage I would prefer someone experienced but his friend said we don’t need it and we’d be fine. My boyfriend is now saying my desires “disgust” him and has done a complete 180. I said fine, I’d drop it. However, he’s not happy with that either. I don’t even know what to do. I don’t think his friend is as experienced as my boyfriend thinks. Spanking, light choking happens in lots of relationships and that doesn’t mean they have experience. I’m stuck between my desires and the guy I love.

Advice on what to do or anyone have a similar experience?

RelentlessDomination​(dom male) • Jun 28, 2019

Be yourself!

Life is too short to be inauthentic; we all play a role ---- read Erving Goffman, a famous sociologist ---- but why be forced to do so in our personal life? To me, that's the one sacred ground where I am unwilling to be someone else. And if it means that someone is not a match, then so be it.

BrunettePrincess​(sub female) • Jun 28, 2019

Yeah, it just sucks. And I think his friend is overplaying his knowledge in the lifestyle and my bf is just agreeing with him and not listening to what I want

Hello

No Body​(dom male) • Jun 29, 2019

3 years ago i met and moved in with my wife. I had not been in the lifestyle for sevral years as I move to much and I wanted to be settled when I got a sub. One day I just asked the powers that be to send me one person to love and see me through my last yeras. Well a month later she shows up and I am a happy camper most of the time. I still would like a sub to play with because my wife is kinda a switch and only into light things. I find this boring so we don't get into anything much. We are talikng about a sub but there are rules that need to be dealt with first.
I know this does not apply to you but hang with me. His friend only told him about being in the lifestyle so he could me the other m. It seems he has set in your lovers mind that anything to do with S&M will led to other things and he wants nothing to do with it now. I would tell you first to set him down andtalk it over with him. Find out what has happened and what was said to him. See if you can bring him here and get to know us first then find someone after. It seems he has a unknown fear and you need to find out wjat it is before anything can be done. Let him know your heart is his only and you are looking to spice up your life not find someone to replace him.
His friend seems to just have looked it up online and told him the bad things of this. He needs to know all the good things he can do for you.

BrunettePrincess​(sub female) • Jun 29, 2019

He thinks this friend is more knowledgeable about what I want then I am. He’s getting wrong information about the lifestyle and refuses to listen. I appreciate your comment as it was very beneficial. I came to the conclusion that I’m just done but I guess it made him feel bad and now I’m getting yelled at for that too. I just can’t win

Soulweaver​(dom male) • Jun 29, 2019

@BrunettePrincess​(sub female) I believe you already know the answer to the question you asked. However, basically you have two choices here, 1st choice is to decide your bf is worth giving up your D/s desires for and pursuing a vanilla relationship. Your second choice is to give up your current relationship and pursue your D/s desires.

I don't know anywhere near enough about you to feel comfortable giving you specific relationship advice. However, what I will say is that I think if you were to read many of the profiles of the submissives here, you will see a pattern that will directly relate to your situation. Many of the submissives profiles speak of having had a D/s relationship early on and giving it up for a vanilla relationship. These same profiles speak about trying to return to the lifestyle many years later. I also believe many of them seem to "regret" their choice.

I will add this, I do not believe it is a good idea to give up desires (D/s or any other type) "for someone." I believe that is a recipe for terrible regret later in life. Especially if you give up your desires and the relationship breaks up for any other reason, you will have given them up for nothing. No matter what you decide to do, I wish you the best. Your choice is not an easy one, but it is an important one.

Re: Desires ruining my relationship

NCarraway​(dom male) • Jun 29, 2019

This is tricky, but if you end up hanging out with kinksters and getting to know them, you will come across this type of story time and time again. Choosing between a lifestyle, especially where you have not really found out whether it is for you (or how much of it is for you) and your current partner is always going to be very difficult. Essentially you are trying to weigh up the desires/fantasies of the unknown against the comfort of an existing relationship. I have met people who have suppressed kink desires to follow a vanilla relationship and have not regretted it, I have met people who have suppressed kink feelings and it caused too much unhappiness for them to carry on with their relationship. It really does depend on you and how much you need it and whether you think of this man as a long term partner you would want to make this sacrifice for.

In terms of Dom training, I think it is true that neither of you NEED to be trained. If you are both sensible, move slowly, explore carefully together with research and join the community then there is no reason why you cannot consider yourself to have joined the lifestyle. What you do need is the mindset for growth, exploration and curiosity. Its hard to imagine that those with closed minds can be trained out of it. I do agree that if you want heavy bondage then you should not dive straight in at the deep end. You and your rigger should get trained up over a period of time. If you cannot be confident in someone's rope abilities then you should never let them tie you. Period.

Forgive me for leaping to generalisations but from what you say it sounds as if your partner is somewhat threatened by all this. Words like 'your desires disgust me' show a knee-jerk that is more of a reaction than something thought out. Men in a vanilla relationship are likely to be quite threatened by a partner saying they want to explore mmf and heavy bondage (with some happy exceptions). Certainly the mmf might bring with it feelings of inadequacy and shame if it is not handled right. If you are not already in the lifestyle and you have not been exposed to different ways of thinking then a partner talking about wanting to explore that is going to be difficult to handle. I am not an expert on mmf scenes but i imagine that it is extremely important if you are adding this to an existing relationship that both partners should be fully on-board with who the second man is. I would advise against a stranger - too many risks.

My advice to you miss brunette is to slow down. It sounds as if you are new to this world and you have plenty of time to explore. Why don't you couch these bf conversations in terms of discussing fantasies, rather than 'I want to do this'. If you two can connect on a fantasy level where you hear and explore his, and he hears and explores yours, well then there is hope. If you two cannot connect on that fantasy level, if you cannot acknowledge that you both have additional thoughts that you want to explore then things will probably not play out well in the future. Remember, if you two are in a relationship and there are things he does not want to do then you should not do them, that is the essence of consent. That may lead to stresses in the relationship that break you up or it might lead to a compromise (we can do D/s, learn bondage, but not mmf etc) but either way you are being true to you desires because you have expressed them, discussed them and made a conscious decision.

I wish you luck in this tricky situation. Carraway

RelentlessDomination​(dom male) • Jun 29, 2019

Beware of anyone who would claim that he or she knows you better than you do. It sounds like someone just wants to use you for their own selfish, exploitative reasons. All relationships require listening and communication. A refusal to listen is, in my opinion, a red flag. Such a person poses a risk because he or she might refuse to listen when you want slow things down or stop. Such a person might not respect a safe word.

Obviously you're better informed on the particulars of this situation, but in my opinion, I would simply move on. You're young, smart, and beautiful, so don't settle if you're not happy! And don't feel pressured into making a decision if it doesn't seem right. There's nothing wrong with taking your time to think, reflect, and learn. You can always use the power of technology to find your perfect match.

I, myself, have had to reject some subs/slaves early on because they were not a good match. Had I not, I knew I would feel empty because, while they wanted me to dominate them sexually, there was no interest in the kind of long-term relationship and emotional intimacy that I also seek. As tough as it was, I saved myself a lot of disappointment and heartache by cutting my losses and moving on.

Have a wonderful weekend!

BrunettePrincess​(sub female) • Jun 29, 2019

Amazing advice! I appreciate the honesty! I will do some reflection on my behavior and wants before fully bringing it up to him. I want to make sure I didn’t over step either. Thank you!!

No Body​(dom male) • Jun 30, 2019

You now need to ask yourself if this man is truely what your dreams and needs are to be built on . If he can't accept your desires how can you accept his? Now is the time to search you true feelings and find out what you need and want. Good luck.