A question about effort

A question about effort

Master Geek​(dom male) • Jul 10, 2019

So, this is a bit of a rant, bit of genuine curiosity about other individuals' experiences. I've been in and out of quite a few relationships over the past year and I've been noticing a similar trend among both those in the lifestyle, and those that are vanilla. It feels like putting in serious effort into relationships is not only becoming rare, it honestly feels like it's being frowned upon. To clarify, I'm not talking about major, "put your life on pause" type effort like going across country or making huge grand gestures type scenarios. I'm referring more to basic communication and honesty. If a conversation is going well but you can't continue it for whatever reason, is it too much to ask that you say something? If your feelings about someone or something change, is it too much to ask that you speak up? If you were interested in someone at first but no longer are, why leave that person thinking you're still interested in them?

I feel like, we live at a time when we can easily communicate with anyone, anywhere, anytime. And yet, so many can't be bothered to simply offer even the most basic of communication. Not only that, if you speak your mind, or act openly and honestly, in my experience it seems to hurt relationships more than anything. Don't get me wrong, with the internet being the internet, there is that level of anonymity that enables people to feel like they have 0 responsibility, but ultimately, if you engage in any type of relationship with someone else even for a short period of time, that means your actions can and will have consequences on them, even just being inactive.

Rant somewhat over. I guess I'd just like to get the perspective of others in the community. What are your thoughts on people who can't communicate or who flip on you suddenly because they were not honest? Am I the asshole because I want to be honest and communicate?

SSG{ENM-TLP} • Jul 11, 2019

Wow! Sir, I find the same issue on my side. It feels like people are willing to communicate in small doses, but to truly connect and invest, they don't. I don't know if they are protecting themselves to not be hurt in the end or what.

I am a poly heart. If I meet someone who intrigues me and I want to know them more, I really give it all. I will very possibly end up falling in love with the person. Communication is the key to success. It doesn't matter what type of relationship it is.

Your rant was heard (read) and understood. Sorry to hear that you're having difficulties finding investors. You're not alone. I guess that is one great thing about being apart of a community. #NotAlone

Best of luck to you.

ssg

Re: A question about effort

MissBonnie​(dom female){oz} • Jul 11, 2019

Personally, I need honesty to have trust. I need both to have a relationship regardless of BDSM. My personal love language is communication and touch, I'm not going to touch anyone I don't communicate with..so yeah, same reply, I need both to have a relationship regardless of BDSM. Are you an asshole for wanting it? Nope, if its what YOU need for a relationship how is it wrong? However you also need to remember, there are those that just want to fuck and couldn't give a rats about having a conversation or honesty, for them thats ok too, if that's what they need and its not hurting anyone else.

Soulweaver​(dom male) • Jul 11, 2019

Unfortunately, I think what you are seeing is a side-effect of the internet. I believe that this access to instantaneous communications through the internet, phone plans and the various forms of social media, is actually a Trojan horse. We are forgetting how to actually conduct interpersonal communications on real meaningful levels. The problem grows ever worse with each passing year. When a tweet(s) takes over for actual briefings and q & a, the death of communications cannot be far behind.

But, also hand in hand with that, just as with the click of a button or mouse you can access people from all over the world, you can as easily click said button or mouse and forget that the conversation ever took place. I have had some wonderful conversations with like-minded individuals in such diverse places as South Africa, Ireland, Japan and Australia. However, none of those "conversations" stood the test of time, they all died sudden deaths, with no explanation given. One day here and poof the next just gone. That has lead me to try to transition to more time tested methods of communications such as phone, but that isn't fool-proof either. So while yes I agree it is very frustrating to be trying to communicate in this era of world-wide communications for the price of an internet connection or phone plan. I also lament the fact that those same communications are becoming more and more disposable. I hated that phone bill back in the day, but I did make long lasting friends from that method of communication.

Soo true

BlkLace​(switch female) • Jul 11, 2019

I get it. No one wants to put the effort or time anymore. Really sucks.

Master Geek​(dom male) • Jul 11, 2019

As SensualSubGirl put it, there is some comfort in knowing you're not alone. I appreciate the opinions others have offered on here and I'm somewhat glad I'm not alone about this. I think Soulweaver is right on the nose about this, this is more of a side-effect of the internet as a whole. It's unfortunate, but I'm definitely trying to hold out hope for those that still want genuine connections and relationships, and are willing to put the effort into that.

Bunnie • Jul 11, 2019

In all honesty, a lot of the reason I keep to myself here is because I’m not that good at “maintaining” connections with heaps of people. I can do one-on-one great... obsessively in fact lol, however, add more than one and I get overwhelmed with trying to spread my time and attention. I am the worst multitasker I’ve ever known. Apparently I was distracted looking at sparkly things on the day that organisation skills where handed out.

I try to be polite and reply to all messages, however I know there are some who slip by with me forgetting to reply. It’s not out of malice and I’m well aware of how shitty that is. It’s also not an excuse for people who “ghost.” I don’t do that... it just may take me a while to reply... sorry to those that’s happened to.

Anyway, I’ve just found it best to monitor very strictly who I speak privately with to help avoid this and constantly disappoint people... because I absolutely hate doing that, and I know it’s a disappointing behaviour to possess.

In a weird way though, I also keep “my circle small” because I do want to be able to give those close to me my full attention, if that makes sense.

MK • Jul 11, 2019

I haven't been here long, just a few weeks and am finding the same thing. Either I run into 50 shades type Doms that are 0-60 in 5 mins or Doms that look promising only to really be a 50 shades Dom in disguise. I have found a Dom that I truly find interesting but find trying to keep a conversation going is hard as they claim they are busy. Sweetheart, we are all busy yet I still manage time to say hi, wish you a good day etc as I choose to make it a priority. What really frustrates me is people that agree to certain things a photo, a call, a conversation at a desired time, etc and don't follow through with no explanation/apology. It's frustrating when you see them online here/in messaging apps for long periods but they claim they are too busy to talk. (Yet they claim they are interested in you and want to get to know you better). It's like people aren't accountable for their own actions anymore and their words are hollow. Perhaps it's because I was brought up in the country with old fashioned values and taught real respect that I think others should act the same. Unfortunately, it is quickly becoming a disposable, self-centered society. I still like to believe the best in people and hope that I'm not being played. **gets off soapbox** ha ha

No Body​(dom male) • Jul 12, 2019

I have to admit your right people just don't have what it takes any more to make a real relationship start much less work. It is more than just the "me" generation. There is a (what I call) a "goldfish" mentality to relationships and how other people feel. People start a relationship and a few minutes later forget they are in one and find someone else. It is sad that you can't find someone real enough to even think about giving your heart to them. Even in our circle of people there are way to many who are looking for either Mr/Ms right now a sugar daddy/mommy. Way back when the internet started it was easier to know who was who. Now there are so many fakes and wannabes you can't know who is what or who.
I wish I knew what is going on but our world s going nuts and there not enough hammers to crack them open.

MasterBear​(other butch) • Jul 13, 2019

Effort is huge with me.
It shows drive, desire, intent, and so on.

I dont chase.
I will meet someone half way.