How do I figure out if I am a Dom, sub, or something else?

How do I figure out if I am a Dom, sub, or something else?

Bigandtall​(other male) • Aug 23, 2019

I am new to this lifestyle and I want learn if I am a Dom, sub, or something else. How do I go about learn about that of myself?

Azzabackam​(switch male){PawPawGirl} • Aug 23, 2019

Bro, I've been in the lifestyle seven years, and I still don't know.

A good starting point is (oddly) porn. Watch/read some stuff you're comfortable with, and ask yourself: where do I want to be in this scene? Keep in mind your kinks and interests can evolve and change.

Lossofalme • Aug 23, 2019

Welcome to the cage and to the lifestyle!

I know it can be tempting to grab onto a label right away but if you're really, really, super shiny brand new... Why not just explore for a while, without labels? If you have a local group that hosts a munch (a gathering of kinky people in a non-kinky setting that is usually just for hanging out and meeting socially) or classes it might be worth going and just seeing what catches your eye. Or check out an educational resource like kink academy to, again, get a feel for what is out there and what looks like fun without having to leave your home.

There can be a lot of new vocabulary and a lot of new concepts to wrap your head around... Give yourself time, accept that what you like/dislike/identify as may change over time and that's OK, and try to enjoy these early adventures!

NCarraway​(dom male) • Aug 24, 2019

Mr Tall,

I agree with everything that has been said here so far. When I first came to this lifestyle I thought there were nice little boxes that people were in: if you wanted to change roles you had to get out of one box and go into another. The truth is that these labels are just a model of the way we, as bdsmers or kinksters, find it easy to talk about about sexuality. While some people are quite comfortable thinking of themselves with one of these labels (I would be one of them), there are many that don't and this world is for them as much as it is for me. I don't have to be defined to be accepted and neither do they. Neither should you think that all Dominants are the same or all submissives are the same or all switches are the same. Within each label there are as many different types of role as people doing it. In fact if you find yourself deciding what to do based on what you think a D/s/Sw should do then you need to go back to your own character - don't let the label define you.

The idea of porn/literature is an interesting suggestion. I think, as a man, I would be very distracted by the physical bits in visual porn to keep some intellectual perspective about what I like and why it is I like it. I might be more inclined to suggest some, let us call it 'high-brow' erotica - something that is not necessarily easy to read but makes you think. More Boeuf Bourguignon than chicken mcnuggets and fries. (Disclaimer: I also enjoy junk food on occasion). The Story of O is a good example of this. I did not find it an easy read; I read it with a partner over a month or two but it threw up many ideas for me to think about and decide how I felt. I'd suggest, on this occasion, looking for things that make you think rather than entertain.

I really like the suggestion of socialising at munches etc. I know there is a really difficult self-imposed barrier of entry to the first one. I know - I have been there too. But the range of really lovely people that you are likely to meet will broaden your perspective in ways the internet will not. Those are real people, doing real things, exploring their reality: their stories and struggles and triumphs. When you meet a group like that you will see the breadth of real flavours in this world in a way that you cannot from a laptop.

The last thing I would say is that we are all evolving in this world, even those of us that have decided we like the label. Nobody stands still here except those who no longer think. You do not need to be in a rush to decide who you are but you should be impatient to explore who you are.

dollMaker​(dom male) • Aug 24, 2019

Porn is not real life, it removes the human factor and presents kink as sensation only. It has its place, but not I think regarding education because it is shallow and often presents activities in a way that suggests safe and sane but isn't or at the least creates an illusion that the newbie can't see through.

Finding out who you are in this is going to take time, patience and effort.

You are to be commended though for coming to the community as you have, rather than 'faking it till you make it' which I think is a bad idea. Kink is dangerous, often very dangerous and learning how to do any of it safely, from any place on the spectrum is important.

Reading well regarded books is an important step, The New Topping and The New Bottoming books would be a good start of point as would be Screw the Roses Send Me the Thorns, and The Loving Dominant. I would suggest going to Work Shops and Dungeon 101 classes where you can see various activities and how you react to them might be helpful, you see a flogging and picture yourself getting flogged or giving the flogging, or even both. There is no wrong in this, if you want to try both sides, bottoming and topping. However the potential wrong, the dangerous wrong is to try giving an activity you have no clue how to do safely, no appreciation of the risks involved, and often very simple stuff can be dangerous, obviously so, or not so obviously.

Even if you opt to bottom, I would still learn how to do the activities, because if you know what is safe, what isn't you can better recognise those out there who haven't got a clue and who are dangerous.

The single biggest bit of advice I will give you is learn to crawl, before you walk or run. BDSM/Kink is not a race, stay grounded don't allow yourself to get swept up into the 'kid in a sweetie shop' desperate to try it all now, right now. That is dangerous, also remember, and this is important, kinksters regardless of where they are on the spectrum are human beings first and foremost not pieces of meat, sensation dealers or sensation junkies. Please keep the human factor in your mind, so many forget this seeing people only as kink dispensers. Many get hurt or hurt others because this is forgotten.

Welcome to the community, good luck on your journey and don't forget the only stupid question is the one you don't ask.

DrWakko • Aug 24, 2019

You know what you are. You’ve always known. A lot of people bury what they are because it doesn’t fit societies norms, well it’s time to dig it back up again. What you use as a shovel is up to you. You will discover the best way to refind yourself. For some it’s talking and finding which side of the slash you best have a relationship click with. For some its going to a play space and finding out if they like to be beat or beaten.

The path you walk is your own path. There will be people along the way trying to help and there will be those trying to hurt you. Get and process as much advice as you can. Good and bad. Both will help you along the way. No matter where this path leads you, remember you are supposed to be there.

Have fun on your kink journey.

DW

Azzabackam​(switch male){PawPawGirl} • Aug 24, 2019

I feel like I should clarify my earlier response.

Pornography can be wildly inaccurate in *how* it presents the lifestyle. Lots of what you see is way off the deep end for a lot of people, requires gargantuan amounts of preparation, or is incredibly dangerous and/or requires a great deal of skill to perform.

However, if you're trying to find your place in the lifestyle, it can, *can* be helpful in figuring yourself out. "Light" bdsm videos tend to be more accurate to the lifestyle at large. And this is all relative as a tool to whether or not it works for you. It help some people figure out where they sit, and what they want. It doesn't for others.

Sunnie​(sub female) • Aug 24, 2019

I hope that it's ok that I responded to this.

Welcome and I hope you find what you're looking for.
That question has probably plagued each and everyone of us at one point. Just when we think we have it figured out, something changes because we constantly grow and learn as a person. Unfortunately there isn't an easy answer. It's something you'll have to learn yourself. You'll need to dig deep and learn who you are at your core. The right person can help you discover that. No rush though, take your time. That's part of the beauty of this journey.

Me personally, I'm a submissive in my heart, mind body and soul. But I discovered that I have other traits that go along with it. A brat(mild), middle and even showing dominance over some. All these things make up my submissive. Just depends who brings it out. She is a beautiful rainbow, a splash of everything.

Learn as much as you can. Do your research, ask questions and post like your doing now. Find like minded people.

MasterBear​(other butch) • Aug 24, 2019

The only way to figure this out is to do it. Do it until the answers become clearer to you. But you always have to keep in mind that what you are may not be defined yet by society as a whole.

InYourHead​(dom male) • Aug 25, 2019

Well said. You nailed this, dollMaker