the sound of silence

the sound of silence

Bunnie • Jun 4, 2017

I'm new to the experience of being someone's submissive so it's really difficult to gauge what is part of the dynamic and what isn't. I guess my main question is how does a sub tell the difference between silence as punishment or just being ditched? Is it length of time? How long should you wait to see which it is? I'm really struggling with this because I have a very strong loyalty but it really hurts not knowing.

Branoic​(dom male) • Jun 4, 2017

The difference, even when it is something like silence, is communication.

I use silence as a severe punishment, something that should only be used when time and thought is needed because a great wrong occured. Hiowever, I never use it unless the submissive knows exactly why I am being silent. In fact, I want them to know why. This is something where either I have brought it up in the past ("If you do this, expect to be alone for a few days") or I tell them right before it happens.

Now I do not know your situation, but I would say that if you dont feel you did anything wrong and your dom has dropped off the face of the earth, then that would be a sign of at the very least an uncommunicative dominant. And that, to me, is not okay (unless its part of the power exchange).

Even if you are being punished, you should still be able to ask a question and have it read. Perhaps not responded to, but at the very least seen and digested. And if you are not being punished and your dom is just being negligent, it may be enough to get them to start speaking to you again.

I hope some of this helped in some way. Take care

DrWakko • Jun 5, 2017

If this is a cyber / online relationship then it's probably over and he's ghosting you. If this is a real life situation and you don't live together he might be ghosting you. If you live together and he isn't telling you why he's doing it then you might be bordering on abuse.

Keep the communication open for a few days and don't be afraid to walk if you aren't getting what you need.

Villanelle​(staff) • Jun 5, 2017

I bet many of us had parents or partners who have used the "silent treatment" to punish or control us in manipulative and non-consensual ways outside of a negotiated D/s relationship. It's pretty shitty and a no go zone for me in my adult relationships because of this. Almost every sub I know has told me that cutting off communication is the worst form of punishment they can receive so I suppose I'd ask myself if you think it is a punishment and if so, if you did anything that warranted it. If it goes on for days and days I'd personally check out of that relationship. I can't imagine any dynamic can be sustained in a healthy way with prolonged periods of no communication.

_Floss_ • Jun 5, 2017

I think if you haven't previously discussed this as a punishment in a way similar to what @Branoic described, then it is extremely unfair if this is being issued as a punishment, because how on earth are you meant to know. You shouldn't have to wait to see if it is or isn't a punishment, a good Dom, in fact a decent human being would not leave you wondering about this. What is and isn't part of you dynamic should also not be a mystery.

Personally if I were you I'd be having a long hard think about whether or not you are happy to be given the silent treatment for prolonged periods of time without knowing why. If you are not then you need to communicate this. For me personally, the silent treatment/being ignored is absolutely a hard limit, and it has been the reason I have ended things with someone, after they did it when I had communicated my feelings on it, not cool.

You don't owe someone loyalty especially if they are being dismissive of you and your feelings. How long have you guys been out of contact? and How long have you been involved? And as someone said above whether this is online or in real life, will possibly have a bearing on the reasoning behind the actions.

Floss

Bunnie • Jun 7, 2017

I would like to say a big THANK YOU to those of you who responded to this post. Your feedback has been invaluable and very much appreciated. It has encouraged me to sit back and take stock. I've taken a good look at my behaviour and thought about the things that are important to me in a D/s relationship. Stupid as it sounds you've helped me realise that I have a say in it too.

Pazyfae​(sub female){Not collar} • Sep 9, 2017

The most important thing is not to confuse punishment with simple emotional blackmail. It's not easy to recognise that at times, unfortunately.