I Kinda Need Help... (I had no clue where to put this so its in generally speaking)

I Kinda Need Help... (I had no clue where to put this so its

LunarisDraconis​(sub female) • Dec 19, 2019

So like I'm generally lost a confused about myself in the kink community period. I mean I know what I like and am into but I don't know how to go about it with myself let alone my partner. I mean I talked to him about it but he doesn't seem to get what I'm saying or just doesn't understand he's totally cool with vanilla I've literally told him I would be down to try just about anything and he said he doesn't really have anything he's specifically into. I don't even know if I'm like into it "enough" to ever really fit in the community properly. Sorry, have no clue where to go and vent and ask questions about this besides here really. (This took a lot of courage for me to type I've procrastinated doing this for about 2 weeks.) anyone wanna talk or have any opinions etc?

MissBonnie​(dom female){oz} • Dec 19, 2019

Hi LunarisDraconis, take a deep breath. You've done the hard thing. You've asked for help, the people here at good at help and support. Good on you for talking to your partner. what your going to find is often that conversation can take a few attempts for you BOTH to be 100% honest or understanding with each other. We all want acceptance from partners. Often that first convo can go a little awry. He might be scared too of sharing just what he wants..if he wants anything at all. He might be happy with how things are. If your confuzzled..he will be too! its new to you both, your BOTH not sure on how to answer to what the other wants.

Dont have that conversation again, straight way. Wait awhile. Read the boards here. Look at what interests you. Take some time to formulate just what you want to say to your partner. Get to know you first, then what your offering to your partner might make more sense to you and him. Slow down, BDSM is not a sprint, its a marathon that will take the rest of your life...

Whats your biggest turnon? Not asking for you to share or answer me. Just giving you a place to start. what do you know about it? do you know why you like it? the safety of it? what side of the perverbal whip you want to be ? How would your partner fit into this?
Done with that..move on to the next part that interests you. In no time at all you'll have a better picture of yourself and just how you want your partner to fit into all this. Think of this like a jigsaw. Your one piece, how does the rest look to YOU.

You can do this. You've reached out once.
Best of luck.

LunarisDraconis​(sub female) • Dec 19, 2019

thanks, I appreciate it I Will sit and reflect for a bit on it.

Azzabackam​(switch male){PawPawGirl} • Dec 19, 2019

Bonnie's given you the best advice possible, which is wait and think about it.

You aporoached your partner and said you were open to anything, and it sounds like you expected them to leap at the chance, and say "Yes! This is my kink, and I'd like to share it with you!" And there's nothing wrong with that. Hell, that's honestly the ideal scenario for a fledgling kinkster.

But kink, for the most part, isn't the kind of think someone else can drop you into. It's something you need to figure out for yourself. The questions you're asking, only you can answer them. Observing and interacting with the community will help give you context and familiarity with the specific ins and outs of different practices, but that's as far as other people can take you.

ADIDAS • Dec 19, 2019

Hello Ms. LD,
I was just like you when I first came to this site, I knew what felt good to me, what I liked, or at least some of it anyway, but I had no knowledge of the language of BDSM, terminology, manners, protocol, just..... well, everything!
What I didn't want was to just jump in with the first Dom that came along because of trust issues , and be led down the wrong path. ( which I later come to learn is called sub frenzy when a newbie or a sub jumps from one Dom to another)
I read tons of profiles and blogs and tried my best to determine the most respected, experienced, wisest members/Doms , read their profiles, then contact them asking for guidance, help. I would tell them exactly the situation I was in. I learned alot that way!!! Just absorbing what's happening around you in the site will help you learn. As far as terminology goes, ask someone. Anyone here would be happy to help you learn what terminology they know.

If you give this site and the wonderfully, perfectly imperfect members the opportunity, they'll be more than happy to help you, more than you know. You just have to be honest, with them and yourself.

The first step is to really think about what it is that you really do like and don't like. Maybe you're not a switch, maybe you're a top, or a bottom, or submissive, Domme..... lots of sub categories that branch off those too. I'd say just read, read, and then more reading. Then ask questions, politely! Ask if you may ask questions.

This worked for me. I hope I've managed to regurgitate something that resembles help for you , lol..... Good luck in your journey Ms. LD, wherever the path may take you.

Peace, love and light
Ms. A.

Daddy Time​(dom male) • Dec 19, 2019

In your private time google what you think your into. Select the video section and watch. You will find a lot of vids xxx for everything imaginable in bdsm. If you find a couple kinks that give you that special feeling try and roll with it. Bring your partner into the mix and some night watch some of the vids you personally enjoy. See what his reaction his, men enjoy this or at least most. Its a nice private way to decide what you may be into, just one kink can last a life time with all the options it can have, enjoy

MasterBear​(other butch) • Dec 21, 2019

If I am reading this correctly your partner has both said and demonstrated his disinterest in BDSM.

What you are doing through is pretty common anong people that are first finding themselves desiring BDSM.

They want it - their partner doesnt.

So here is the tough part are you

1) willing to fore go your own desire for the relationship
2) become poly so you can both get your needs met by other people
3) leave to find a partner in bdsm


You are not alone.
The question is --- what do you want for your future?

Miki • Dec 21, 2019

In addition to the post above me, simply stated but it's the bare-ass truth: As they say, "It's No Good if you Gotta Force It."

Either do the vanilla or move on before the emotions get too deep. But remember, "settling" may seem sensible and usually is, for a short time.. but eventually resentments developed "What am I missing" and a relationship can go South kind of quickly once resentment rears its ugly head.

There is no rush

Ilmare​(sub female){Not Lookin} • Dec 22, 2019

@MissBonnie has a really good point. In my research off-site, I read a really nice article that was like summary notes from a Munch. They discussed the dynamic from a beginner's perspective. The point was stressed that there may be a lot of things you are into. They do not all have to be done in one sitting. Take your time. Figure out what you are into (biggest turn-on). Exploring this in detail. Explore (introspection and reflection) yourself. Once you are confident, revisit the conversation.

You will be able to speak with confidence which may put your partner at ease enough to feel comfortable exploring with you.

- ill

Hypnotist​(dom male) • Dec 23, 2019

Take the survey at BDSMTest.org and see where your interests really lie.

Then follow your interests and deisres to where they lead you.

Please don't let your current partner hold you back. You will only regret it in the future.

I also suggest you retake the survey every so often and see how your interests have developed and changed over time.

This is what my results looked like the last time I took the survey, about 6 months ago:

== Results from bdsmtest.org ==
100% Dominant
100% Rigger
100% Master/Mistress
97% Owner
96% Sadist
75% Daddy/Mommy
66% Experimentalist
64% Voyeur
62% Primal (Hunter)
59% Degrader
55% Non-monogamist
51% Brat tamer
47% Exhibitionist
46% Ageplayer
18% Vanilla
1% Brat
1% Primal (Prey)
0% Rope bunny
0% Slave
0% Degradee
0% Boy/Girl
0% Submissive
0% Masochist
0% Pet
0% Switch