How long is too long to wait?

How long is too long to wait?

Bambi Vibes​(sub female) • May 8, 2020

Ever since forever, I wanted to do the whole D/s thing. I told my now husband at 18 that I wanted him to "be mean to me" in bed. He looked at me like I had two heads.

About three years ago, I figured out what the name for it was. I dove in and researched, all in preparation to tell my husband. We'd been in a pretty much sexless marriage up until that point, so I assumed he'd do anything to get some. Turns out this was what I needed.

I told him about it a few months later (so it's over two years now at least). I was very specific and showed/presented material to watch/read. I was very shy about it, but explicit.

The point is, it's so much later and I don't feel any closer to what I want. I talk to him about something specific just to bring up the topic and that night he will do whatever I asked for and then he never does it again and it's completely forgotten. I always tell him how much I loved it after, even if it was awkward and not at all perfect.

We've been together since we were teenagers. Married for ten years this fall. We are still at a point where he wants to have silent sex missionary style, cum, roll off me and go to bed. He does what I want without complaint right after I ask for it, but never again. He does not care (or at least it seems that way to me) whether I even cum or not. I could try to keep my submissive self somewhat happy knowing he wanted boring vanilla sex and I was giving it to him, but I am so sexually frustrated that I ended up coming here.

I talked to someone I shouldn't have for a while and I don't want to do that. It's eating me with guilt. How long is too long to wait for my husband to understand? What more can I do?

skyrich​(dom male){rottenbrat} • May 8, 2020

Wow,

That's a tough one. Seems to me that despite nearly 10 years of marriage, he's basically inexperienced.

You very eloquently state your plight here in this message. Maybe have him read it? Get him to ask questions? Maybe make an account here, and get some advice?

One thing is clear: WAITING for him to understand will be a long, long, wait.

It's possible that your husband just isn't a Dom.

I'm going to shamelessly self--promote and point you to my blog entries, which describe the characteristics of a Dom and a Sub. See the following posts:

* Some Definitions - Helpful definitions of terms I use in the following blogs
* Responsibility -- Describes the characteristics of a Dom
* Commitment -- Describes the characteristics of a sub
* The Journey -- Describes a healthy 20 year D/s relationship

If possible, get him to read them too.

Good luck

annabellestasia​(sub female) • May 8, 2020

Have you talked with your husband about how he feels about your desires?

You seem to be really good at describing what you need but you’ve not mentioned what his thoughts are? Is he struggling for inspiration? Or perhaps confidence? Does he himself have submissive tendencies that prevent him from being a Dom? Are there things you can work through together? I don’t know the extent to which you’re seeking to be dominated but I’ve come to the conclusion that it’s super tough to learn together but it can be done with two people willing to adopt a growth mindset.

Beyond that and if he says this isn’t for him, you have to decide what’s more important to you, your wants or his, or whether it sits comfortably with you to seek what you need outside of your relationship. (Which it sounds like you’ve explored).

It’s a really tough one but you're young and life is short - way too short to feel unfulfilled.

Digital hugs & I hope you get what you’re looking for.

No Body​(dom male) • May 8, 2020

Well from the start we are taught sex is for making baies and nothing more. I got lucky and found that sex was more than fun. It was not till much later I found out the female body is ,ore than a fuck toy. (thanks to all the ladies who taught me). The problem is that someguys do not want to know more than their own desires. It maybe time to tell him "please me or I will find someone who will!" even if it is a bluff it may open his eyes.

House Talion​(dom male) • May 8, 2020

Well ya married the vanilla bastard for a reason so divorce is out of the question and since you hadn't mentioned poly then that might not even be an option. Talk to him. Dont tell him whatbyou want, explain to him what you need. Make sure he understands that not only is this a part of you, but he knew about it and accepted it before marriage. Cause if not then he was just deceiving you and might want to rethink my first sentence.

tallslenderguy​(other male) • May 8, 2020

Ditto.

i don't believe in a right or wrong answer here, so i only offer my perspective (this may be long, i try to be careful and that often translates into more words for me).

i don't think this is a question of time or waiting. It seems to me that you are a kinky sub and your husband seems by your description neither kinky or dom, let alone Dom. : " We'd been in a pretty much sexless marriage up until that point, so I assumed he'd do anything to get some...he wants to have silent sex missionary style, cum, roll off me and go to bed, etc.." i can't help thinking there is something hidden, something you don't know about him? That's just pure speculation on my part because i find it hard to imagine a guy who doesn't think of sex all the time lol.

i married young too. Even though i am "gay," i was part of a religious culture that taught me there was no such thing, so i figured i was broken like i was raised to think and feel and married a woman, who btw knew about my attraction to guys before we married. She was even more religious than me and affirmed i was not gay, just broken lol, sigh. We had sex, lots of it, but it was always about Her since i couldn't get what i needed/wanted from her. i don't blame her, i blame our beliefs, but the reality was about 7 years into the marriage i started cheating on her with Men. Ironically, the first time i was seduced by a missionary lol. Long story shorter, that started a cheating cycle i could not stop. i hated myself for lying and hated myself for failing to change and not be gay.

It took me a long time to see through my cultural upbringing/conditioning, but once i did, we divorced. Retrospectively i can see we both have sub natures, which really made things more of a challenge for us. We were young and both virgins when we married... i actually totally missed her vagina the first time on our honeymoon, i guess that was proof of my virginity haha. But i found it (with her help) the second time. After a couple of weeks of marriage, she broke down crying saying i didn't care about her because she had stopped having orgasms after the excitement of the honeymoon. What neither of us understood was it wasn't that i didn't care, i was ignorant. i'd heard of a "clitoris" before, but didn't know what it looked like or what to do with it...but i found out. And that became my sex life, learning how to give her multiple, mind-blowing orgasms. But it was one sided, again, it's just the way she was wired, a Dom straight Guy would probably had a great time of it. She never actually tried to pleasure me, her idea of sex was to arouse me and then it was my job to pleasure us both . After a few years of never having sex without orgasm (i trained myself early on NEVER to cum without her coming first), she became dissatisfied explaining she wanted me to "just take [her] without regard for her pleasure." Full circle, eh? And pretty damned sub too.

She wanted me to be something i was/am not, i.e. a Dom who needs a sub, oh... and a straight or at least Bi guy. i am saying all this because i believe chemistry is vital for an intimate relationship. i do not believe in the traditional notion of quid pro quo when it comes to sex. For me, it just feels wrong when someone does something sexual for me because i want or need it, if they do not want and/or need it too. Sadly, we are not taught to discover if we have a foundation of sexual compatibility before we commit to a relationship, so many find themselves making.

Again, this is just my perspective, i have no idea if it applies to you. But i would suggest that you need to go deeper than asking him to do Dom stuff for you and find out if he has a dom nature that can be tapped into. If he does, it may be a matter of finding mutual, complimentary kinks between you. If he doesn't have any dom in him, i do not believe any 'dom like' antivities will sustain you.

Dickmac​(dom male) • May 11, 2020

...you've got to arch your back and let him hit g-spots he has never hiylt. Remember to be a she-animal with sex excruding from all of your parts. Wear crop-tops so your sweater sticks out with your tits and wear hip huger jeans low. Need him.

LaceCorset​(sub female){Not lookin} • May 11, 2020

Wow this is difficult. Being in a sexually unsatisfactory marriage is unpleasant—I too have been there.

Would you feel comfortable being a switch to set the pace, show, teach? Perhaps if he experienced what you are seeking it might open his senses to the exhilaration, the pleasure, the escape.

You’ve navigated a lot just being married for so many years. Top from the bottom, create a new experience together and see if that can ignite his interest, bring out what is maybe repressed.

~L

SunsetCoveringthesea • May 11, 2020

I don't think this is complicated or even hard. The only thing hard is swallowing your pride and saying what's on your mind/heart.

As scary as this may be you can do this because you have the balls to ask him to do these things so you have the balls to really communicate about your frustrations. Researching and giving him the information about what you like and want is great but now you need to go a step further and be honest with hi about why you need it. Explain how you feel when you don't get to cum. Explain how you feel when he just rolls over. Explain how you feel as his wife that you feel like you have to go outside the marriage to feel fulfilled because even after telling him what you want he isn't pulling his weight in the relationship in this department. Then ASK how this can become a thing even if it is baby steps (once a month, once a week). Why does he not take the initiative? Does he feel weird? Does he feel like an abuser? Have a really honest conversation with him on all of this and your answers will come. However be prepared if they're not what you want to hear.

MasterBear​(other butch) • May 11, 2020

If you have done everything that you can do to make your needs known, and your husband is simply not in to be a BDSM, then you need to look at what it is you're going to do to continue your growth without him.

BDSM isn't about having the information. It's about having the feel.

Someone could know all about it and still have absolutely no desire to do it.


I look at BDSM as if it is a sexuality. Would you ask somebody who is gay to be straight to stay with you?

or visa versa?

Sometimes as we are growing into our most best and honest selves we realize that who we were cannot continue to be who we are.

Sit down and take a hard eval On what BDSM that means to you. And what it would mean for you to live a life without it.