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Narcissist ex-domme

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subspace eater​(sub male)
2 weeks ago • 06/22/2020 3:20 pm

Narcissist ex-domme

subspace eater​(sub male) • 06/22/2020 3:20 pm
Well, I'm writing this more because I need to take it out than anything.
I had a relationship with a domme which ended just a month before lockdown.
She was beautiful and playing with her was great, but she had a Narcissist personality disorder (I started reading about this just after the relationship ended and I begun to understand what I had been through).
In the beginning she was like muy soul mate. The dominatrix out of my dreams. She was arrogant, egoistic, used me for her advantage, humilliated and degraded me, but well... That's what a domme does, right?
Out of the blues, she stopped talking to me because I didn't match her expectations (cold shoulder, as it seems very common in them)
Problem is, now lockdown is over I can go back to BDSM parties and munches again, but I would prefer not seeing her again anytime soon.
She has LOTS of subs, and seeing her playing with others is gonna hurt more than any lash. Plus I don't know if she's talking shit about me to other members of the community. And being a male sub, I know whose part everyone will be in, in case of conflict.
Mr E​(dom male)
2 weeks ago • 06/22/2020 3:43 pm
Mr E​(dom male) • 06/22/2020 3:43 pm
Avoiding her only deals with it in the shortest of terms. It seems the easiest thing to do but all it does is drawn out her hold on you.

Better to think of the person you cared for as someone that has passed on; this person is different and not to be gifted the feelings you have for the other. Transform your anger as best yo can into compassion for the other subs that are right now feeling as you used to but will soon understand your position all too well. They will need your support in time.

Understand and accept your value. It will not be long until someone worthy of your gift will cross your path.
    The most loved post in topic
Stevevo​(dom male)
2 weeks ago • 06/22/2020 9:54 pm
Stevevo​(dom male) • 06/22/2020 9:54 pm
Here is the deal in my eyes;

You’re a sub and she sees you as disposable, therefore she is not a domme.

She enjoys the chase and destruction not the power dynamic of a true domme/sub relationship.

Show her you’re better than thay and stronger. Do your thing, and be better than her.

Go meet others and show them you’re better as well.
Taramafor​(sub male)
2 weeks ago • 06/22/2020 11:34 pm
Taramafor​(sub male) • 06/22/2020 11:34 pm
Sigh. Let's get one thing clear here. A dom IS STILL A DOM even if they dispose of you. A dom isn't just "I claim you". It's "Control". Someone that is IN control. And you know what, they are. The person is much more in control of the situation then YOU are. A sub tends to think "I should just give control". But it's SAFER and more likely to lead to entertainment when the sub ALSO has control. That is however on the sub. Not the dom.

You're a person with thoughts and feelings. Yes. It hurts when someone tosses you aside like trash. Yes. I go through that allllll the time.

You made the CHOICE to engage with them. Or maybe you let it happen. Either way that's on you.

THEY have expectations. Who doesn't? They need TRUST and INCENTIVE to CONTINUE to engage with you. You might have the incentive, they might be blind to it. It's in "their point of view". Are you showing you have good communication skills? My answer: No. "That's what a dom does, right" is a blank carpet statement without context. Safe labels also lack context. A dom CAN and does do that. But they can also look after you properly. But with all due respect, stop assuming, stop hiding behind labels, start being more clear of specific situations and show you have a brain. It will make THEM feel safe and get YOU to be more in control of a situation as well.

If I mess up and get tossed out of the house in a relationship, which HAS happened, that's on BOTH of us. THEY have expectations. I have them. We all do. If we don't prove that we are able and capable and have something to offer you WILL be tossed aside. If you are garbage then you're garbage. If they have trust issues and assume incorrectly, they need to be CHALLENGED. YOU need to APPROACH them to CHANGE THEIR MIND. Seems impossible I bet.

You're NOT entitled to continue playing with a dom. They're not entitled to continue playing with you. Get that into your head right now. No one is ever entitled to jack shit.

That's the bad news.

Now, pay very close attention to what I say next. Consider this when I say I worked out every bad and volatile situation I ever been in. Consider what I say next when people ditch me, toss me aside and treat me like garbage. Consider that I always, and I do mean always, end up working things out and make them and myself feel safer, more secure and happier.

I never give up.

And yes, it's a struggle to find a balance between giving space and struggling to talk for peace of mind. I think what's needed here more then anything are answers. Perhaps approach them once with that topic in mind. Ask why. But when you do try to maintain an interest in them. Challenge their logic and way of doing things.

Because if you can't or are unwilling to do that, then ask yourself. Are you the trash you're treated as?

This actually touches in a personal topic for me thinking about it. What subspace eater needs more then anything is stability. Trust needs to be earned. I'm currently having to consider how to approach someone in that position and have a plan. Unfortunately I have no plan for the sub approaching the dom in a situation like this. Beyond trying to reach out to them and do your best to be as understanding as possible.

Might help to consider what you have to offer as well. Practice it. Try stating it here perhaps. Prove you're worth the hassle. Or are you so useless that you can't even be capable of doing that? If so, trash pile you go too. Lack of communication is dangerous. Lack of being clear threatens safety.
Redamancy
2 weeks ago • 06/24/2020 3:00 am
Redamancy • 06/24/2020 3:00 am
@taramafor i tend to disagree with your statements. I personally view those as incredibly toxic and hurtful words that truly can damage how special the D/S community and connection is. Dommes are in control but that does not give them the freedom to treat submissives like trash. We are equal and should be treated with decency. The only thing she would've had to do was say, this isn't working between us no hard feelings, goodbye. When you start looking at subs as "less than" doms, thats when you get into the toxic side of d/s relationships. D/S relationships aren't something to exploit just to keep and validate naturally abusive, manipulative and narcissistic tendencies. As subs, our doms have to earn our trust in order for us to submit, she was given that trust and she used it. Thats not okay.
lil'slut​(sub male){Collared}
2 weeks ago • 06/24/2020 3:15 am

Yeah, No, like solid No.

lil'slut​(sub male){Collared} • 06/24/2020 3:15 am
Taramafor wrote:
Sigh. Let's get one thing clear here. A dom IS STILL A DOM even if they dispose of you. A dom isn't just "I claim you". It's "Control". Someone that is IN control. And you know what, they are. The person is much more in control of the situation then YOU are. A sub tends to think "I should just give control". But it's SAFER and more likely to lead to entertainment when the sub ALSO has control. That is however on the sub. Not the dom.

You're a person with thoughts and feelings. Yes. It hurts when someone tosses you aside like trash. Yes. I go through that allllll the time.

You made the CHOICE to engage with them. Or maybe you let it happen. Either way that's on you.

THEY have expectations. Who doesn't? They need TRUST and INCENTIVE to CONTINUE to engage with you. You might have the incentive, they might be blind to it. It's in "their point of view". Are you showing you have good communication skills? My answer: No. "That's what a dom does, right" is a blank carpet statement without context. Safe labels also lack context. A dom CAN and does do that. But they can also look after you properly. But with all due respect, stop assuming, stop hiding behind labels, start being more clear of specific situations and show you have a brain. It will make THEM feel safe and get YOU to be more in control of a situation as well.

If I mess up and get tossed out of the house in a relationship, which HAS happened, that's on BOTH of us. THEY have expectations. I have them. We all do. If we don't prove that we are able and capable and have something to offer you WILL be tossed aside. If you are garbage then you're garbage. If they have trust issues and assume incorrectly, they need to be CHALLENGED. YOU need to APPROACH them to CHANGE THEIR MIND. Seems impossible I bet.

You're NOT entitled to continue playing with a dom. They're not entitled to continue playing with you. Get that into your head right now. No one is ever entitled to jack shit.

That's the bad news.

Now, pay very close attention to what I say next. Consider this when I say I worked out every bad and volatile situation I ever been in. Consider what I say next when people ditch me, toss me aside and treat me like garbage. Consider that I always, and I do mean always, end up working things out and make them and myself feel safer, more secure and happier.

I never give up.

And yes, it's a struggle to find a balance between giving space and struggling to talk for peace of mind. I think what's needed here more then anything are answers. Perhaps approach them once with that topic in mind. Ask why. But when you do try to maintain an interest in them. Challenge their logic and way of doing things.

Because if you can't or are unwilling to do that, then ask yourself. Are you the trash you're treated as?

This actually touches in a personal topic for me thinking about it. What subspace eater needs more then anything is stability. Trust needs to be earned. I'm currently having to consider how to approach someone in that position and have a plan. Unfortunately I have no plan for the sub approaching the dom in a situation like this. Beyond trying to reach out to them and do your best to be as understanding as possible.

Might help to consider what you have to offer as well. Practice it. Try stating it here perhaps. Prove you're worth the hassle. Or are you so useless that you can't even be capable of doing that? If so, trash pile you go too. Lack of communication is dangerous. Lack of being clear threatens safety.
Taramafor​(sub male)
2 weeks ago • 06/24/2020 9:12 am
Taramafor​(sub male) • 06/24/2020 9:12 am
No to WHAT exactly? Be specific.

fault the logic of what I stated. every word I said is true.

No one is entitled. Fact.

We all have to show we have something to offer. Fact.

You'll likely stop seeing someone if they didn't. Probably a fact for most people with exceptions.

If you don't show you have a brain then it's on you. Fact.

If, in another persons perceptions, they see you as "an idiot" they will toss you aside. Fact.

Seeing someone doesn't mean you're entitled to keep engaging with them. Fact.

Now, if someone can PROVE ME WRONG with any of those statements, then do so. I invite and welcome that. But PROVE it.
Knightsundere​(sub male)
2 weeks ago • 06/24/2020 11:18 am
Knightsundere​(sub male) • 06/24/2020 11:18 am
@Taramafor

My guy, what are you talking about? OP posted about how to deal with awkward parties around an ex. Don't think he needed a psycho-evaluation.

@subscape eater

Mr. E's response was really solid. Just try not to focus on them. It's highly unlikely any of the other sub males at a party like that are going to give a flying fuck about the domme talking about you. Even if she does, that's not what they're there for.
Sasa​(sub female){not now}
2 weeks ago • 06/24/2020 7:12 pm
Sasa​(sub female){not now} • 06/24/2020 7:12 pm
I disagree with some answers here .... having experienced a narc is something completely different than a relationship thats just not working. Narcissist are highly manipulative, draw people back easy. So if someone suffers make sure we avoid victim bashing. I really wondered about some answers from sub males, but so what. I wrote in private and wish you all the best. Take care and know it takes time to walk away. Your anger is completely understandable. It’s the first step to heal and it’s ok. The only way I know is no contact at all, completely ignore the person, if you have to talk to her be like a grey stone. Be prepared the person will try to get in contact again and possibly in a very seductive or friendly way, be prepared you’ll loose some people you liked, be prepared to be disliked. It’s always the same pattern in case the person really is a narc. We can’t change them, don’t try it, you’ll fale.