Am I doing something wrong?

Am I doing something wrong?

CcHuntress​(sub female) • Jun 26, 2020

Trust is a given, and I understand that. But I give what is needed and only needed for my play partner and i to have fun. But the moment they want to try and collar me and I dont fully give them my trust, respect and submission, they have to make me feel like it's my fault it didnt work out? I know I'm new I know I won't get everything off the bat. But why do i have to feel less of myself for their validation? Is that normal? I'm so confused.

Mani • Jun 26, 2020

Beginners glitch ? Or you are not ready yet !! Everything happen at the right time with the right people smoooothly

Kara​(sub female){Dark Roast} • Jun 26, 2020

You’re absolutely doing something wrong: choosing people who don’t understand that trust and submission need to be earned. A collar should be a symbol of a mutual commitment between two people that is to be taken quite seriously.

It seems to me like you chose people who don’t know that and then blame you in a state of immaturity. It’s probably best to communicate about your goals and what a collar means to you before entering into a play partner relationship.

On to your question: is it normal to feel like less of yourself for the validation of a partner ? Actually, for some it is, but because they need and enjoy that. Others of us need to be lifted up and made to feel like more than we ever could be on our own. A better question would be to ask if it’s right for you and only you can answer that.

Mr E​(dom male) • Jun 26, 2020

They need to earn those things. Something given too freely lacks true value.

It is their problem and not at all yours - other than having to be dealing with them, unfortunately.

Lady Y​(dom female) • Jun 26, 2020

Before collaring, what more important is COMMUNICATION and CONSENT.

I totally agreed with what Kara said. Collar means the relationship has been taken to a new level, and it should be taken seriously. I don't think that's a good idea(or good time?) to put on the collar if any party is not yet ready for it.

To solve the problems, you might want to think about these few questions for your relationship:
1) Have you had detailed communication before starting, and during your d/s relationship?
2) When you're in doubt, have you tell your feelings? Does your dom(s) listen?
3) What makes you can't put on fully trust on you dom(s)? Do you think you can overcome it? Why and how?

Trust is a given, but trust is also an earn. You might need to rethink your relationship or find the right partner, if your trust is ramshackle, and both of you can't perform effective communication, and consensual.

CcHuntress​(sub female) • Jun 26, 2020

I like BDSM because of the the detail conversations, but no we didnt fully talk about it and I admit I was naive because I didnt fully understand what a collar entitled. Possibly still dont at this point. I really want to say thank you for the feedback. I'm still really new and dont fully understand how this all works. And I'm so confused right now.

Kara​(sub female){Dark Roast} • Jun 26, 2020

Mmmm....you’re new and confused, but you play with people anyway ? That dangerous and could get you into some major trouble. I suggest you start reading books and utilizing internet resources or (better still) get involved with your local BDSM community for education and a chance to explore around people who can keep an eye on you.

sir james ladies​(sub female){oh yes ple} • Jun 26, 2020

within the community the collar has many Representative faces but for our sir it meant the same as a wedding ring. but sir was very old-school in his ways. for us the collar was there for us to ask for not demanded that we wear. like the others our advice is that you take the others advice and get to your know partner beyond the sexual side remember this is a lifestyle not a fetish.

Thinking Naughty​(dom male) • Jun 26, 2020

Only the wrong people make you feel wrong.

Only bad people try to make you feel bad.

Fuck 'em.

Wait, not literally.

Let's look at it this way, they could have tried to understand you but instead all they did was underscore how little they get you. That's on them.

They showed their true colors when they didn't get what they wanted, that's their gift to you. Be grateful for the opportunity to see what lies beneath the surface.

And be patient. That confusion you feel is actually a sign that you are listening to you and still finding the things outside of you that fit with what's inside.

Re: Am I doing something wrong?

skyrich​(dom male){rottenbrat} • Jun 26, 2020

No. it is not GIVEN, it is EARNED , otherwise, it's worthless.



Then that is not a dom. A dom would take responsibility, rather than blame you for his failure.



Don't be confused. You did nothing wrong. If you're not ready for a collar, you're not ready for a collar. It's not your fault. If he hasn't earned that trust, it's his responsibility to earn it, not yours to blindly give it up.

Please read my blog "Responsibility" for more information. I'm always open to questions, publicly or privately if you wish.