How long does it take you to fully trust a partner?

tallslenderguy​(other male) • Nov 9, 2020

Wow, i'm sorry. Violated trust is a rotten blow and i think the caution that results from it is perfectly natural and normal.

Yet, despite that, i purposely practice vulnerability. i don't advocate for wearing ones heart on their sleeve, so it's selective vulnerability.

To me, risk is intrinsic to being open, exposed, naked, "vulnerable.' But when i consider the alternative, i still do it, i open up and become vulnerable. For me, relationship is about connecting and bonding and that cannot happen if i we are behind a wall. Being hidden, unseen, also means being unknown and unloved (cannot love what we do not see or know about).

One thing i have learned to do is meter my openness. For me, practicing openness is not a one sided gesture, it is a door, and example. i have found many people want to open up for the same reasons i do, they want to find connection and bonding with someone, but fear often stops us (understandably i think). But i find sometimes if i go first, a person may respond in kind, walk through that door and open up too. Not everyone, some just let you stand there naked lol, but i know the risk when i take it and it's worth it to me.

Taramafor​(sub male) • Nov 10, 2020

Exactly. You can not even know how to have fun with someone if you don't even know them. Let alone love them. Sure, maybe "a spontaneous moment". But true fun and happiness comes from knowing how to make each other happy. Put up a brick wall and you're basically going "Don't get to know me because I fear the worst and I'm stopping you knowing how to have fun with me". And even if there's a good reason that wall is up, it STILL gets in the way of fun and happiness. I can speak from experience on that account. Do people want to "do nothing and worry" or "Make good things happen together and have fun?" Trust or not, make good things happen. So Kinkykink is PARTLY right (that said, making good things happen CREATES trust and proof). However, they're still lying and contradicting themselves.


It is. And that's the DANGER. You say it's normal as if that's an excuse. At least that is often the implication when people go on about what's normal. As if it's "just fine". Is that what you're doing here? There is no excuse for lying and saying things that aren't true. Nothing hurts more then being seen as something you're not. And that is often why the brick wall is there. That is why I am so offended by Kinkykinks reaction. They MIStrust (and are AFRAID. Admit it already) when they claim trust is overrated and they project from bad past experiences. And can't. Even. Admit it. It contradicts.

SubtleHush​(sub female) • Nov 15, 2020

ursa: "So, in the nature of that slumber party, do you guys "kiss on the first date?" What's the BDSM version of that?"

(Kissing is extremely important to me and I can tell a great deal about someone from that kiss. I consider it the first penetration. If the kiss is bad, I might not continue. Honestly, I can usually tell if it will be good or not beforehand and the BDSM version of that... is well, kissing. Not all aspects of behavior between you and a potential partner will be different from vanilla. Good intimacy is good intimacy. Your relational foundation - in my opinion - should be natural, intimate, personal, and based on those boring vanilla things some fear so much that they want everything to be KINK lol)

"I'm not going to let someone I just met completely restrict my every movement,"

(Nor should you. Ever. For any reason.)

"but if we've been talking for a while and there's no red flags, maybe light rope play is okay?"

(Maybe. So what do YOU know about rope play? I would say be careful of thinking any one activity is safer than the others. This is your body we're talking about. I would say do not allow yourself to be restricted after a few chats. If Its going to be just a play arrangement, watch him play with someone else first. Pay attention to how much he is focusing on the bottom of if he (or she) is more interested in who is watching. Some people just like to put on a show. And please do not go forward until you know how to negotiate the scene - and to do that you need to know yourself very well.)

"Even outside of bondage, I'm not going to let someone I've known for two days suddenly decide everything I eat, drink or wear."

(Again, Nor should you. Ever. For any reason.)

"But how long has it taken each of you before you feel comfortable giving up those kind of controls over your life? Or maybe I'm not asking the right question, and it's not about time but more about certain indications that a potential dom gives you that let you know you can "let your guard down" about certain controls, so to speak?"

(At this point I've kissed enough frogs and have enough experience that I have a solid gut reaction to a potential Dom -so I usually know right away. But it is never a total take over. I'm not just getting to know the Dom side, I'm getting to know the man. There should be no rush to building that long term foundation. While the urge to rush is strong in a lot of us, we must value ourselves (both of you) to take it slow and discover if we want to go further. THEN you discuss at length all those wants and needs. Neither of you has total command of how this dynamic forms or what happens within it. You co-create it.)

(You co-create the power exchange because once you enter into that dynamic it is very hard to reverse it to make corrections.)

(Imagine you're buying a car. You might want to know the important stuff. The salesman might want to distract you with all the chrome and shiny. But you're smarter than that. Same principle here. You would never let the salesman tell you what car to buy. You'd need to know a little about what you want and what you need. Then go kiss that car if you want. Kiss the hell out of it.

(So you have to figure out somethings on your own. What are your deal breakers? Don't have deal breakers? Go make some to determine if you go further with this guy or even want him to touch you in any particular way. My deal breakers are no drugs, no smoking (I have asthma) NO verbal abuse, No verbal humiliation. NO history of cheating, no marrieds, I don't date novice Doms. etc. When in chat we hit a deal breaker that is it. Chat stops. We are not chat buddies, online friends, play buddies. We part because that is what a deal breaker is.)

(What are your core values? Do they match his? How do you define yourself? Don't let others define you. Too often what they decide about you is good for them, and could have nothing to do with what is good for you.)

(Too often new subs/slaves/bottom think a Dom will roll up and make it easy for them. Help them figure it all out, but even if you are new to this realm you are not new to being an adult. Hold onto that. And if a Dom starts talking to you, keep it vanilla, even clinical if you can. Avoid the fantasy. Don't do the erotic chat. Focus on him as a person and see if you like him without the options of BDSM and power exchange. They guy inside the Dom is the person who will drive the dominance. If that guy sucks, then the dom will too. If that guy is bitter, then the Dom will be as well. )

Pardon the typos, my cat was helping me type.

Nana{uncollared} • Nov 15, 2020

BDSM relationships are the relationships first of all, IMHO.
For me, it is comfortable to share dreams, desires and fears only when you know your Dom's story, when you understand one's emotional world. For me system of trust coming in 1, 2 or 6 months would be a nonsense. It is more like in Hegel philosophy, the quantaty turns to a quality. You just talk to a person, watch one's reactions, share thoughts and one day you feel, that he or she became so much close to your heart, soul and body, that you can entrust yourself that person with no doubts.

SubtleHush​(sub female) • Nov 15, 2020

kinkykink wrote:
I learned the hard way being a sub can be real shitty because some Doms play you and play on your insecurities. Trust is overrated. Build walls thick as steel. Blockade your heart in even thicker ice. Care for no one and make it very clear we are here to just have fun! But TRUST NO ONE!
...........

What you SHOULD have learned the hard way is to own your shit. You clearly need therapy. This is not the place to find free fixes. Bottom line, healthy people do NOT take on projects. So all those bad experiences YOU had YOU took on. No one held a gun to your head and forced you to believe in the wrong people. You made the wrong choices.

Whatever lies they told and whatever you wanted to believe that was easier that you working on yourself bit you on the ass.

So now you are angry and distrusting because if feels strong. It feels safe. But it isn't.

At this point you are making yourself unhappy. Which will be followed closely by chronic illness (if it hasn't already) because your body is listening. And you will try to recruit others, as you are doing here, so that you don't feel so damn alone.

Even while you embrace being alone, you secretly hope someone will come along that is strong enough to wrestle you out of this anger and prove your distrust wrong.

But again, healthy people do NOT take on projects.

And besides, THIS project is yours. So either go on being a broken person trying to sell brokenness to others, or face your project and put in the same effort you're putting into being angry into getting professional help and growing a little.

Ignore it and it will still be true in a year, 5 years, 10 years etc. And it only gets harder.