Is submission really a gift?

Tthomas • Oct 5, 2020

....

The Thinker​(sadist male){NotLooking} • Oct 5, 2020

I have seen enough subs give love and get asbused.

slavebilly​(sub male) • Oct 5, 2020

I have seen enough subs give love and get asbused.

What does that have to do with the question?

ElizaEmma​(sub female){NotLooking} • Oct 5, 2020

Why is it selfish when both sides have their needs met? Meeting needs includes love, as Maslow considered love one of the many human needs. Just be aware that a "love" when one party constantly gives and gets nothing in return is not sustainable.

What we have is not a mutually dependent relationship. "Dependent" has the connotation that I cannot live without my Dom when in fact I have a very interesting and productive life of my own. It is a mutually beneficial relationship because we enhance each other's life.

slavebilly​(sub male) • Oct 5, 2020

I disagree...I'm done. I agree to disagree.

Kara​(sub female){Dark Roast} • Oct 5, 2020

Gifts don’t have to be earned. You don’t take away gifts if they are misused or you no longer want the person that you gave them to enjoying them. Submission, to me, and dominance is a privilege and reciprocal with each other unless one party decides to nullify the exchange of privileges.

Taramafor​(sub male) • Oct 5, 2020

Let's nutshell this.

Is it a gift if someone makes you happy?

On the other hand if someone wants to make you happy it's either because you make them happy or they're hoping/waiting for you to do so back.

In order to get that you have to give it as well. But you might not realise you're giving it when someone just plays with you in all the ways you like.

TrilliumRising​(sub female){Owned} • Oct 6, 2020

To me, just like in the vanilla world with sex, there are so many levels and nuances to these exchanges because humans are layered, complicated, and everyone is different. Submission (and, conversely, dominance) can be casual, a no-strings attached, mutually agreed upon transaction contracted to fulfill the need(s) or scratch an itch of one or both parties (much like a casual hook-up or one night stand in the vanilla dating world- you want it, I want it, now let's go and get it!) However, it would be my hope that both (or all) parties would benefit in some way and have their needs met, however temporarily, just like I would hope for a mutually satisfying experience with a brief vanilla dalliance. In this situation, I fully agree that the word 'bestow' might be more accurate than gift.

However, I also feel that submission can go a lot deeper (just as it can similarly in vanilla relationships), where you can forge consciousness-altering, soul-deep, and sometimes life-long connections. I realize everyone is different, though. For me personally, in order to really sink into my submission, I have to fully trust the person I'm with 1,000% and know them deeper than just surface-level stuff (for this reason, lots of casual play with brand new or multiple partners isn't really for me). I think the crux of the issue is about whom the gift of submission is really for or who it truly benefits.

To me, a Dom allowing me to submit to him, (and in return, me enthusiastically choosing and consenting to submit to him) is a gift to ME. In my day to day life, I have to make tons of decisions, organize and manage things that can have serious consequences if not handled correctly, and a have sometimes almost soul-crushing amount of responsibility. So in sex or play, the ability to let all those things go with a trusted partner, have someone 'force' me out of my head where I always live, let someone else take on the responsibility of my safety, or my tasks, or my sexual release (or all of the above) is a freakin' gift TO ME. It's almost euphoric the sense of relief I feel upon handing the lead (both physically and metaphorically speaking) to someone else so that I can just sink into submission and feel, experience, SOAR. I might be trussed up and bound helpless at my Dom's feet, but (when I fully trust that person), for those few minutes or hours or days, I am completely and utterly FREE of the emotional tethers and daily responsibilities and overwhelming pressures that come from living in this crazy world. That, to me, is the meaning behind "submission is a gift." And it would be my hope that the person I'm with gets a similar rush from our interactions or relationship.

tallslenderguy​(other male) • Oct 6, 2020

i use the word "symbiosis" all the time to try and describe what i look for in a relationship. For me the goal is compatibility of kinks, which i further define as needs/wants born out of who we are. For instance, you self define as a "submissive," so you are not likely to enter into a romantic type of relationship with another sub. i'm gay, i know that a romantic tangle with a woman is not in the cards. my sexual needs/desires present as "bottom," so i wouldn't try to have a romance with another bottom.

The symbiosis is a matter of looking for opposites that attract. It's just learning from and, working with, nature. Opposites attract and bond and form new compounds.

Symbiosis does not preclude love. Nor is it ever 100%, it's just a practical factor to consider and include when looking for a mate. It's not a question of symbiosis instead of love, it's possible to have both.

forgedbyfire • Oct 6, 2020

I personally think that the idea that submission is a "gift" is a romanticized notion of D/s that is meant to sell a ton of erotic novels to vanillas -- just ask E.L. James and authors like her. The words "gift" and "bestow" are inadequate to capture the myriad of deeply personal, emotional and physical experiences exchanged between a Dominant and their submissive(s). Some of us aren't packaging up our submission into nice neat, perfectly comprehendible boxes for people outside of our relationships to understand. For some of us submission is a "release," or "healing" or "service" or "respect/trust" or "love" or "something contractually agreed upon." The list will go on. I think trying to define submission in terms of gift giving commoditizes some of the intangible aspects of a D/s relationship.