I went to a therapist and got confused

KittyisWatching​(sub female){Protected} • Oct 8, 2020

I agree with many previously said words. Whether she is certified or not, she shouldn't be. A good therapist is not so closeminded as BDSM is perfectly valid, especially in the field of mental health as it has proven to be helpful in so many cases.

My current therapist is not kink-aware and is very against it. I go knowing this because I am moving soon so what he says does not truly matter to me.

Masochism, whether you are or not (and you can be even with a low pain tolerance) is not something you can simply "get rid of". It doesn't work that way. You can try to deny it, but it will always be there.

Zerospace​(dom male){Amalthea} • Oct 8, 2020

Licensed therapists are not supposed to label (or officially diagnose) a patient that early in the therapeutic relationship. And they definitely aren't supposed to share those labels with clients like that. Sounds to me like they jumped the gun a bit.

Personally, I'd say find a new therapist. Wipe the slate clean and start over.

That being said, if you cannot find any good therapists locally (bc sometimes that happens), this is the age of Covid and online therapy is huge. There are many companies that operate globally and offer tele-health services. I'm a bit proponent of these forms of therapy since it gives you the chance to do all the therapeutic work you'd do in the provider's office, but you get to snuggle with your own furniture. That adds a level of comfort you might not find in a stranger's clinical office.

Good luck and keep reaching out as needed!

And besides, even if you are a masochist, this is a space that allows you to explore that safely. Maybe you have a low threshold for pain and pain isn't your thing but some other form of masochism is. That style of kink is huge and worth exploring. If you explore and find you genuinely don't like it, then you can rest easy knowing that, for sure, you aren't a masochist. No need to spend hundreds of dollars on therapy bills to do that!

Master Xoobs​(dom male) • Oct 8, 2020

One of the problems is that psychotherapy has largely not moved since the 1970s in relation to BDSM (with a very few exceptions). My ex did a psychotherapy degree and became a counsellor and I was amazed at the negativity that was fostered within the community about BDSM as well as the complete ignorance about it. I did meet one of the UK's very distinguished psychology authors at a drinks party - without giving away my interest in BDSM - someone who writes numerous papers, has consulted on numerous psychology issues with HM Government and writes textbooks for Universities as well as teaches - and I asked her towards the end of the evening about her research into BDSM and her conclusions - saying that my research was significantly different and with SANE processing and so forth I could not see how she reached her conclusions about BDSM. She'd had a few glasses of plonk by then and she let it slip that most of her BDSM research consisted of reading other prior research by psychogists and also that she'd based a lot on work done in prisons with rape offenders .....i asked her if she'd ever considered looking up local munches and going to these to see what they had to say and ......you've guessed it, she hadn't and also had the impression that BDSM behaviour occurred at munches, telling me that she didn't think it would be appropriate in case she was photographed and professionally compromised.......sigh!

The Thinker​(sadist male){NotLooking} • Oct 8, 2020

Guys, Giving her advice sitting in the USA and not knowing the situation in India is useless. India is a SUPER consertvative country. Think of USA 50 years back. I know, as I was born and brought up there, and maintain close connections.

To anyone in India reading this, if you fall under any alternative sexuality bucket, get the hell out of that country. I did.

Zerospace​(dom male){Amalthea} • Oct 8, 2020

Actually, Thinker, it is perfect that you are able to provide a first-hand, empathetic account of what GloryA is going through. Perhaps you can offer her advice about how to navigate her time in India, in case she cannot leave the country at this time. Perhaps you know of sympathetic/open-minded chats for Indian citizens or online venues that allow her to speak more freely (besides here, of course). We Americans, as you note, can only empathize so much. That is not to reduce our ability to offer sound advice to a woman seeking it.

Also, I don't think we need to go back 50 years in America to find a huge conservative vein. Master Xoobs is correct about how academics generally treat this community. As a former professor who taught sexualities, I know my classes were in the minority when it came to open exploration of sexual subcultures. Of course, academics are always at least 10 years behind the times (transformative research takes forever to catch on or even get noticed) so let's not use them as the litmus test here.

The Thinker​(sadist male){NotLooking} • Oct 8, 2020

"Actually, Thinker, it is perfect that you are able to provide a first-hand, empathetic account of what GloryA is going through. Perhaps you can offer her advice about how to navigate her time in India, in case she cannot leave the country at this time. Perhaps you know of sympathetic/open-minded chats for Indian citizens or online venues that allow her to speak more freely (besides here, of course). We Americans, as you note, can only empathize so much. That is not to reduce our ability to offer sound advice to a woman seeking it."

The only way to navigate her time in India is to suppress her feelings. The nail that sticks out gets hammered in Eastern cultures. I do not know what underground dark web sites are there for Indians. I just up and left, and that was 30 years back.

"Also, I don't think we need to go back 50 years in America to find a huge conservative vein. Master Xoobs is correct about how academics generally treat this community. As a former professor who taught sexualities, I know my classes were in the minority when it came to open exploration of sexual subcultures. Of course, academics are always at least 10 years behind the times (transformative research takes forever to catch on or even get noticed) so let's not use them as the litmus test here."

USA is a fairly conservative country compared to some parts of Europe. Some parts of USA are more conservative than others. My advice is to always move to a place where you are comfortable. I don't live in a red state, I live in the bluest of blue states.

Which, incidentally, doesn't even allow dungeons. So go figure.

Zerospace​(dom male){Amalthea} • Oct 8, 2020

Sometimes you just can't win. My state is blue as balls and munches are few and far between.

I would ask that you not encourage a vulnerable young woman to suppress her feelings. I fully understand what you are saying about how Indian culture treats feelings like hers (you are most definitely not the first Indian who escaped the homeland to say these things to me). But suppression will only lead to mental trauma, more so than she is already experiencing. We must get creative, helping her find outlets that allow her freedom to explore. She just doesn't have to talk about those freedoms with her family (which is perhaps what you meant). Your unique perspective might help her find some outlets, even a couple you maybe didn't realize existed. I fully believe that helping a person grow promotes growth in ones self!

Ah, I love a community coming together to help its own.

The Thinker​(sadist male){NotLooking} • Oct 8, 2020

I do not think anyone should suppress their feelings long term. So, I will say what I say to all young Indians.

1) Study hard
2) Don't get involved with an Indian partner whose worldview is limited by what (s)he has seen only in India
3) Do NOT get married early
4) Get a good job with international demand
5) Get the hell out

If that means you have to suppress feelings in the short term, well, since you lost the birth lottery it's the price to pay.

I am sorry if this doesn't come across as helpful, but I really don't see much other options.

Taramafor​(sub male) • Oct 9, 2020

You can't just get rid of pain. It doesn't work that way. Before that you first have to accept it. There's even an order of how things work (normally). Step 1: Acceptance. Accept the situation. That's always the first step. Wherever it's something to change is YOUR choice. No one else's.

If anyone ever tells you what to do as if it's their choice and not yours then they are not letting you make your own decision on the matter. That's violation of choice. Period. Regardless of the situation.

As for pain it's possible you might find certain specific types of pain more appealing then others. And we all do. People tend to get put off by the unpleasant pain (specifically anything that leads to depression). There's "flavors" for context. Along with "making the best of the worst". Why do some bad things happen? But why do people hurt you because they care? etc, etc. It can get rather technical. There's more to pain then just "physical oucies". That low pain threshold might be something to tap into even. Could tie in with an appeal to being put in line (or vice versa). Give situations like that some thought. There's also "putting in line" (or vice versa) with intimacy where a bit of pain is used yet the focus is on affection. Intimidation and fearplay can tie in. It's about the "combination". How things all merge together.

It might be something to embrace instead of get rid of. And in the end we all have parts of ourselves we have to keep. Even if we don't like it. Especially when it hurts. Because if you can't accept the situation there is no moving on. "This situation hurt in a bad way. It had a negative result." How can you adapt and change that situation? "This situation hurt but it lead to something good." Is that a situation that needs to be changed? Again, only you will decide this. And when you do decide either way the question is "why". People want to flee from pain, escape pain, but do they? Really? Or does it finally catch up? Different person perhaps, but similar enough situation. Where you don't know what to do. Because you "moved on" and "forgot". Instead of being prepared and remembering.

This is why going "safe label here, keep it or get rid of it" doesn't work. Because it's not specific. It's not delving into context. There will always be good and bad events depending on approach. Consider what hurt you the most and consider how you've made the best from the worst. If you have yet to make the best from the worst consider how that might be possible. It might be a situation from the past but if you consider a different approach to a similar situation it can prepare you for the future. "Most painful moment here. Crack a morbid joke and laugh instead." As an example. Countering a negative situation with some kind of positivity. Regardless of how much a situation hurts always keep in mind the honesty. And keep the honesty in mind even when things seem too comfortable, for even happiness can be a danger if pain is overlooked altogether. It's not something to be gotten "rid" of in my experience. It's something to be "faced". Can hurt, yes, but it's like fear. can you overcome it? Is it worth enduring it? Case by case bases. Treat each situation as it comes.

What your therapist likely was trying (and failing) to state is that the past is the past. Learn from it. But don't live in it. I find people often don't reflect enough though. Just try to do it without getting caught up in feeling guilty or otherwise playing the blame game. Examine the situation. Analyse the situation. Consider alternatives. Reflect on any additional new insight. Then keep living life. But maybe some peoples lives is devoting it to foresight and reflection. Just don't forget about experience and activity.

I got a basic formula. "X pain, Y gain, Z net result". Balance pain with gain, focus on net result. Note that pain may not necessarily be a bad thing thing and can contribute to gain, depending. That's going to depend on a number of factors. If it leads to intimacy/affection then it's a net gain for me. Also keep in mind it heavily depends on wherever such pain is controlled or not. Be it physical, emotional or verbal. Pain is simply a part of life. And through pain we sometimes gain. And sometimes it's just lashing out bullshit. Use your own judgement.