Non BDSM moral dilemma....HELP!?

IowaDom​(dom male) • Oct 22, 2020

No problemo, as my Great Uncle used to say " it is hard to see the rainbow from inside the storm"

TDKinky​(sub female){Owned} • Oct 22, 2020

My opinion changed through the time it took to read the responses lol

At first I thought you should tell the wife because I would want to know...or so I thought. Then I remembered there is this whole dynamic you aren't involved in. I think at the most, you should tell your friend that it makes you uncomfortable to be included in it at all and that she should be honest with her future relationships. Other than that, it's unfortunate, but there's not much you can do but sit back and watch for the fireworks that will inevitably develop for that married couple one day. Once trust is broken...it's damn near impossible to repair.

IowaDom​(dom male) • Oct 22, 2020

Once trust is lost, you are just trying to bail the water out of the boat. Because no trust means no trust with your well being, emotional state, or as the caretaker of the heart. Without that, the future is doomed as a dynamic

Bunnie • Oct 22, 2020

Aren’t you curious as to why after 6 years, she’s told you?

Maybe she needs someone to talk about it with. Maybe she’s trying to find some kind of closure in some form or another, and perhaps needs an outside point of view?

I wouldn’t go to the wife just yet. First I’d be curious as hell as to why after all this time she’s telling someone, and why specifically you... and I’d be asking her just that. From there, I’d explain to her the dilemma you find yourself in and why.

Depending on how that goes, I would consider approaching the husband and informing him that you’re aware of the details, and give him an opportunity to come clean.

If it’s something you feel you need to do, that’s up to you, however I would make them both aware of your position in the situation and why you feel the way you do.

This is the absolute age-old dilemma, because as much as everyone loves to be all moralistic and says that they would want to be told, when push comes to shove, so rarely is it the case that it doesn’t end up backfiring for the messenger. Just remember that you’re dealing with people who’s values are different than yours... and potentially with someone who is turning a blind eye. Perhaps none of them are ready yet to face any truths.

Sasa​(dom female) • Oct 22, 2020

Is the affair over? If the answer is yes, what is so important about it. It is simply over and the "truth", if this is the truth, will hurt your friends and you. It wouldn't change anything, wouldn't make anything better for them. I think some kind of truth shouldn't be delivered. They are together for a reason and your friend knows he is a cheater and accepted it. What will happen if you let your burden go on their shoulders? Difficult... You don't want to be an accomplice and on the other hand don't want to destroy anything. Sounds like a Kobayashi-Maru-test

Taramafor​(sub male) • Oct 22, 2020

Honesty above all else. Only then can someone control the situation and decide what to do. Or would you deny them that? Whatever the outcome "both eyes open".

To allow deception to continue would be the betrayal. Denial, lies and secrets never ends well. The truth can hurt and be ugly at times but at least when something is known you have the full story.

But much easier to not get involved, right? You don't have to get involved. But what if you was in that situation?

They probably already suspect and just don't want to say it. But that could be why someone needs to say it out loud. It's what happens AFTER that that determines things. Being with someone else doesn't have to be a bad thing. Just not when it's "behind backs". The silence of course stems from fear. This leads to deceit and mistrust. Which leads to "peeping". It doesn't have to be the end of the world even in that situation. But the "fear" has to be addressed. More importantly, the dishonesty. How can you bring up the topic addressing that while then leaving it up to them to sort out?

Beansprout{》7《} • Oct 22, 2020

This actually hurts my heart so much! I don’t like cheating ...it’s such a breach of trust and if it doesn’t destroy a relationship outright, it will definitely break it down over time.

it’s clear that something is missing in this mans relationship to continuously cheat on his wife. The wife also seems to be very insecure holding on to someone who keeps making the same mistake. But I cannot understand how another woman can be happy with a 6 year affair. She says they “were in love”. This suggests past tense so why is she still continuing? And if they are still in love then how come he hasn’t left his wife for her? Seems like such a mess..

It’s also such an awkward position to be in for you and I understand not wanting to be involved with the drama. Personally, I’d maybe suggest a girls night out with the wife and encourage her to open up a dialogue about it. Encourage her that she deserves better. But I don’t think I would come right out and say it. No one truly knows what goes on behind closed doors and unfortunately the messenger is always blamed. Perhaps she knows and just wants to burry her head in the sand. Good luck and I hope it gets better for you all soon.

Taramafor​(sub male) • Oct 22, 2020

Ever seen someone cry so hard they have cry snot coming out of their nose? Basically, that's why.

It doesn't have to be a choice. Loving one person (or whatever comes close to affection at least) does NOT mean you have to ditch who you're already with. Are you implying he "should" leave her? That you believe it would magically make things "easier"? or "less painful"?

To leave one person or the other would be to put one as "superior" and the other "inferior". Even if you're all pushing each other away you still know each other. Why you're hurting each other. Why you're distant. Why you suffer. Or heal. "Not being around" is often "Not wanting to see the pain". Not having the balls to face it to be frank. Think about it. Only when people SEE the harm they caused do they often tend to work things out properly.

People get confused and think "cuckholding" has to be the answer. Behind backs. This is secrets, deception. Which risks leading to lies. But if it's not "that person" it's probably going to be something else where something is "temporally taking your partners attention from you". There is an "attraction" but people lose sight of the whole "But it's behind backs" part. Is it really "behind backs" that's the kink, or is it knowing you can be with someone else as well while still being loyal to who you're already with? I seriously don't think people doing the whole cuckholding thing give that enough thought. Dunno if cuckholding specifically factors in here, but I do wonder about it in general. There are times people aren't getting attention/intimacy from their current partner and so seek it out in others. That is a factor of course. But by no means the only situation where others are sought out. Or perhaps not even sought out at all and simply "happened to get closer" through interactions. One is more healthy then the other.

Simply let your partner know if you're attracted to someone else. Or are you afraid they'll turn their back on you and ditch you if you're honest with them? But if that happens they're not there through hard times anyway. Be honest right away and you can figure out how to work them in WITH you from the START. Otherwise it causes complications down the line. As proven in this thread. There's still the whole "time/effort" thing to balance out, but when it's "blind" it's like a bull stumbling into a china shop. If one/both of you don't know then you risk stretching yourselves too thin. Not knowing how to manage the "where and when". The "time". You can still be in a "none relationship" and have to worry about that. But eh, safe labels. Boil it down to what it really is. Caring about two people for whatever reason and figuring out how to keep everyone involved happy. Which only honesty is going to establish. A situation has to at least be "known enough". Which it is here at this point. I just wonder if it's DISCUSSED enough. Communication.

The reason people don't be honest about that kind of thing with their partner, whom they claim to love, is fear. A fear of being "left" or that their partner might feel "replaced" (mistrust/irrational fear. etc). Which are topics I get into ASAP right away regardless of current relationship/none relationship stance. Most people simply have that fear consume them and fall into silence. SUFFER in silence. Or otherwise make assumptions about how things can't work out but then have to say otherwise after being challenged/asked enough. It's so EXPECTED to just be with one person. But rarely is it STATED. So even though the situation might be a bit of a mess I strongly suspect it was never "disallowed". Even if it was people can discover "new feelings" thinking they knew better beforehand when they really didn't. But that doesn't mean you're being "replaced". Why should that person leave who they're already with just because they care about someone else too? To "replace" them? Because it's assumed "the other person matters more" when that is likely not the case?

I don't want to say "poly" because that's a misnomer. It's more like Batman saving both Robin and the girl when joker sends them both falling to their doom. eg: He cares for BOTH of them on the same "max level". Same concept likely applies here. I've pulled a Batman at times too. Others have as well. May as well imply we should just leave too. Fuck no. No one gets ditched or replaced. Everyone gets the attention and affection. The complication of course is that there can be times people have concerns and don't LET you do that. eg: They're being negative even when you try to focus on having a good time. Which is getting rather into it. But long story short, "Worry less, enjoy the time you spend together more." I mean if it's not "other person" then it's going to be "X flaw here". Or some other concern. But in the end you either wallow in despair or you choose to have a good time together. Which fits a variety of situations. For context I was in a situation where I was talking to someone myself. Lot of past pain and such. Things will have to be discussed at some point. But in that moment I CHOSE to be more playful and flirty. And they did too. Despite my current feelings at the time causing me to think of the negatives. Because I chose to pursue having a good time they rolled with it. We enjoyed ourselves. And things are working out. The past pain involves them having been "closed" previously. Which made it impossible for us to enjoy doing things together (seriously, why should OUR interactions of which affects happiness be decided by OTHERS? And without my input at that). We became distant for a while. But now it's like "Let's focus on the good times". This is of course with their partner knowing they're open now.

Consider how "limiting interactions with others" decides FOR them. Very often without even having discussed anything with those people (because chances are you was assuming things would "just be fine"). I think that bothers me the most. This is what lack of communication does.

Hollylolly​(switch female) • Oct 22, 2020

Thank you all so much for your thoughtful, insightful responses. That's why I love this community
After digesting this for 24 hours and reaching out for advice from you fine folks, I have decided to keep my lips zipped and my head in the proverbial sand.
I do not have a dog in this fight and I'm staying out of it. This couple has been married for 27 years and while my heart aches for the wife, she is aware of her husband's infidelities and chooses to remain with him. Her reasons are hers and I've no right to second guess her or stick my nose where it doesn't belong.
*Side note: My friend is also married and her husband knows nothing. I have never met him and he's from another country. She claims their marriage is one of those 'green card situations'.
Why did she entrust me with this information? She simply needed to unburden herself. She claims she's not breathed a word of this to anyone else and just needed to get it off her chest. While we are not close per se, I am a feminist and I'm vocal about it. Don't misunderstand that, I'm not a man hater, I just aggressively and non-judgementally support other women so she knew she could come to me and I'd listen. I did let her know during our conversation that my empathies lie with the wife. She says she understands that and feels horrible but I suppose she's so blinded by love/lust that she can only see her own perspective.
Part, of and probably one of the biggest reasons I'm choosing to stay quiet is the workplace I'm in. It's my dream job and I adore it (most days) so I don't want to do or say anything to jeopardize it. All 3 of the above people have been in this business for 10+ years. I have been there for 5. They are far higher on the food chain than me, and on any given day can and have been my direct supervisor. Also, when it comes to opportunities and promotions things can be quite cut-throat so there's that.
If and when the hits the fan I will be honest with all parties involved if I am asked because well, that's the best policy, right?
I FEEL SO MUCH BETTER NOW! THANKS GUYS!

Taramafor​(sub male) • Oct 22, 2020

Question. Have you offered her any other perspective? If not then hers will be limited.

You also stated "fight". You fear conflict. But my thoughts turn to "Why" (about why they're with that person I mean. Not the conflict). You don't have to "fight" to know that. I will state that when someone keeps secrets they have something to feel bad about, but it's more "secrets" themselves (thin "fear itself"). WHAT that secret is factors in of course, but when something is "always there" it's "hanging" over your head. Does anyone really "choose" this? Or do they "let it happen"? There's a difference.

That's about all I can think of contributing on the matter. How people adapt with each other is their affair. But it's very common for people to "let" bad things happen even knowing they're doing something "wrong". It's more the secret keeping itself then anything. Always better when it's "from the horses mouth".