Am I cut out for this?

SAXMANIAC​(sub female) • Oct 25, 2020

Vanilla or kink, you should never do anything that makes you uncomfortable. I think it is incredibly unfair for him to ask you to do something you don't want to do and he can't even articulate what it is he wants. It sounds as if neither of you is ready for a D/s lifestyle just yet.

Taramafor​(sub male) • Oct 26, 2020

Going to add to this. The strong emotional bond might be why they want their partner as a "dom". So seeking someone out with that bound might not be an option.

Additionally, what about being close to someone that is dom like as well? If you can control your jealousy and feelings of inadequacy. And yes, I am saying if you see someone "doing it better" it might make you feel inadequate.

Regardless of either/both of these options you still wouldn't be doing it yourself. In my mind in situations like this I ask myself one simple question. "Do you care enough to do it yourself".

More then that, what are they doing for/with you? But if you don't give direction/control they might not be doing enough for/with you. So that has to be taken into account as well. But it could be your lack of action as much as theirs.


That actually depends. Something new can often start as uncomfortable. Discomfort can turn to comfort through exposure/experience. People often fear that things can be uncomfortable/go bad. Yet through experience/exposure find out it's the reverse. This is all dependent on how X situation goes. And wherever Y people focus on the positives and what they can do instead of being pessimistic/negative. Sometimes it's best to wait for now, other times someone is going out of their way to be evasive. Which leads to MORE discomfort for both involved. You see the dilemma. When faced with two uncomfortable situations which is the less uncomfortable? Start with that. Then make the best of whatever situation you're in and try to have fun and games. "Make it comfortable."

Either way it's THEIR choice. Not yours or mine. You're making the mistake of speaking for others and deciding for them. Wherever it's "worth it" is for them to decide.

SAXMANIAC​(sub female) • Oct 26, 2020

That actually depends. Something new can often start as uncomfortable. Discomfort can turn to comfort through exposure/experience. People often fear that things can be uncomfortable/go bad. Yet through experience/exposure find out it's the reverse. This is all dependent on how X situation goes. And wherever Y people focus on the positives and what they can do instead of being pessimistic/negative. Sometimes it's best to wait for now, other times someone is going out of their way to be evasive. Which leads to MORE discomfort for both involved. You see the dilemma. When faced with two uncomfortable situations which is the less uncomfortable? Start with that. Then make the best of whatever situation you're in and try to have fun and games. "Make it comfortable."

Then it's no longer uncomfortable.

IowaDom​(dom male) • Oct 26, 2020

There’s an old parable about a frog and a scorpion that provides a valuable lesson. As the story goes, the scorpion wanted to get across a lake. Because scorpions can’t swim, it asked a frog to transport it. The frog refused, saying, “You’re a scorpion; if I allow you on my back, surely you’ll sting me and I’ll die.”

The scorpion replied, “Why would I sting you? I can’t swim, so I’d be foolish to sting you. It would mean my death too.” The frog saw the logic of the argument and agreed to ferry the scorpion across the lake. When they were near the middle of the lake, the scorpion stung the frog. The frog cried out, “Why did you sting me? Now we’ll both die.”

The scorpion replied, “Because I am a scorpion. It is my nature to sting.”

The lesson is very clear and often overlooked: people rarely change their basic nature. Yet too often, we make the mistake of ignoring this truth

I know where you are coming from.

Redamancy • Oct 27, 2020

It seems that you naturally fall into the belief of the traditionally ordained male vs female roles. You are attracted to men who are emotionally strong and seem to take the lead in certain areas of life, sex being one. This is not to say that you are into the D/S dynamic, or would want that. Personally, I could never be with a male sub because I would not find pleasure or fulfillment in dominating the other. Do not feel bad for thinking your opinions, they are valid and you have a right to speak up for yourself.

Edit: maybe you should approach the topic in a "switch" dynamic. Some days you dominate others, he does. Alot of this also depends on what kind of dominance he is craving... is he wanting to be told what to do as in pleasuring you, or is he wanting to be tied up, flogged, whipped, pegged etc....

Taramafor​(sub male) • Oct 30, 2020

Provided the experience goes well. On the flipside it can go bad. And then people need to adapt. But failure is something to learn from too.


Not true. People often THINK they can't. But life often forces us to change. This can happen through simple experience. But OFTEN people also MAKE change happen. With their own two hands. It's more down to "habits" then "nature". it "Feels natural" when you're stuck in a rut. It takes effort to get out of it. Do that enough times and you change that habit. That nature. Same logic applies to various other situations. A vet trained to kill can live in fear of harming people they care about because they been in conflict enough times and are "that twitchy". Someone that has lived peacefully and quietly will be the reverse of this. That is nature. "Prolonged exposure". You can change it. But you have to repeat the "new nature" often enough to have it become "instinctive". It takes time normally. Though can also happen quickly if you really want to pursue it. Depending on what it is. Anxiety won't change overnight. But make the CHOICE to change and you can "refuse" to allow a situation to happen. Such as "never fleeing. Always stand your ground no matter how scared". Easier said then done.

HOW to change that nature is another matter. First of all you have to want too. People that go "I'm just human." Allow themselves to be destructive. People that go "Let's change the situation" make change happen. Often by changing themselves. Some choose too. Some don't. Some actually never give up on that and make it happen. Others stop trying. It's also hypocritical when someone says "It works when I put my mind to it, but because of X it doesn't work that way"... Despite the fact they said it works when they put their minds to it. What they're actually saying is "I'm used to what I know, I avoid what I don't." But if they weren't so evasive they might go with what they don't know instead of what they're used too.

Either way I know people that have changed and become doms/owners. That alone disprove the statement. They didn't want too at first either. And now they enjoy it. It has its own context of the situation though. It's own reasons for that to happen. If you're speaking truth, I'm speaking proof.

The Zoodles • Dec 3, 2020

I would say find a Dom for both of you or at least just for him, but it sounds like he doesn’t know what he wants if he just says “Dom me sometimes” that is the most unhelpful answer ever as you can’t even help him find a good match for his needs. He needs to do some serious research and not except you to Dom if you have told him it makes you uncomfortable.

Miki • Dec 3, 2020

Necessary echo in the room.

If that turns you off, don't do it. You'll never be happy. If he cannot accept that, then whether you want to be with him or not is not relevant. It won't work.

It never works if either half of a relationship has to force it.

SubtleHush​(sub female) • Dec 3, 2020

IdontknowwhereIstand

I want to do this in small answers but it is a huge concept and lifestyle so bear with me.

Yes you can learn the technical aspects. You can sound stern and tell a person to do this thing or that thing. But that isn't dominance.

However, If you are oriented to be authentic and it sounds like you are, it will always feel false and you are 100% right in not wanting to fake it or pretend this is your desire when it isn't. After all we all want to be accepted for who we are. So thinking you are not enough for someone when before you thought you were is a tough thing.

It sounds like he is no more knowledgeable about this than you are. He senses that he needs a certain type of relationship but has not done any research into the mechanics of that.

No one can help a person who just repeats "help me, help me" but is not specific as to how.

You can read the book "When someone you love is kinky" together. It might help you both at least understand a little more.

Now to the guts of it.

1) Not everyone is kinky. Not everyone is submissive or Dominant.
Not all Dominance and submission is all about sex. It's a power exchange relationship and what power and how much is individual.

2) No one is static. We all grow and evolve and seek more. When we hit a behavior or activity that really works for us we DO NOT stay at one level. We go deeper, we seek more, we invest more. He may not know that yet, but you need to be aware that whatever he thinks he wants now is an uniformed desire. Once he gets to experience it, he might want a great deal more. Which means your discomfort now will only increase.

3) Even in people who do want this path things change. Humans grow with every experience. Sometimes we change in good ways or not so good ways. Sometimes we feel closer to others and sometimes we feel isolated in our desires. And sometimes we come at this on the same page and then break apart when our interests change.

4) It is a big risk and scary to approach this with vanilla (non-kinky) people. And now that it is out it won't change.

5) Bottom line is you are each different than the other needs or wants. It doesn't mean either is at fault and it doesn't mean you aren't enough. It's about differences, not failings.

6) You both deserve to be happy and accepted for who you really are. I don't see this bringing you happiness. However, many have tried. Totally up to you if you wish to. I would suggest you get on fetlife.com and seek out discussion forums on this type of situation. They are there.

If you wish to discuss more, you are welcome to message me.

Hang in there.

H*

SubtleHush​(sub female) • Dec 3, 2020

I just read IowaDom's parable.

It's an old one with a few variations and one of my favorites.

But I'll add another. In most religions there is a concept similar to being "evenly yoked" with your partner. When oxen are yoked to pull a plow they must be well matched (even) so they can pull together. Pulling together is so much easier and if they pull against each other because one is stronger or bigger than the other, then they are opposed and getting nowhere, just pulling against each other.

Apply that to our relationships.

One heavily into physical activity will not do well with a devoted couch potato
Educated minded person will not do well with a high school drop-out who thinks school is a joke.
etc

So look at your relationship as it is right now, not what it could be, and as ask yourself if you see you and your boyfriend pulling "together" or pulling against each other in a tug of war.