What is it really...

What is it really...

Bunnie • Oct 28, 2020

that defines a Dominant from a submissive?

Would love to hear respectful thoughts around this...

DrWakko • Oct 28, 2020

Heart and mind. Dom or sub it’s in your heart and mind. It is your being. If you have one or the other you can be a dominant or be submissive but you can’t be a Dom or a sub.

You can be a submissive and always try to anticipate someone’s needs but your heart needs to be filled with that submissive love to be a sub. Same goes for a Dom.

DrWakko • Oct 28, 2020

I guess to really answer the question and not answer my own question.

I don’t think this is as simple as one gives order and one takes orders. It’s not about yes sir or no sir.

A dominant is a cave. There to shelter someone from the storm. There to protect. Yes it might crumble but it always remains sturdy.

A submissive finds shelter in that cave. It knows it’s safe and protected. When the cave crumbles a little the submissive is there to pick up those pieces and reassure the cave is going to be ok.

Bunnie • Oct 28, 2020

I like that analogy, Drrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr, thank you.

Taramafor​(sub male) • Oct 28, 2020

The analogy doesn't really work. Not across the board at least. A sub can even be a "cave" while a dom can be the one picking up the pieces. I would say it's best when both are caves. And pick up pieces. eg: Both are supporting each other in both ways. While a sub may often be "weaker" due to issues such as being shy and not being able to take action/initiate, they can also be strong and have more of a spine then most others. Perhaps even more so then the dom. That can actually make it harder for the dom, since they'd the weaker one. But with support they can get stronger. And thus the dom maintains control of the sub.

Being a good dom or sub or even person doesn't come from "Everything is ok". That's what people want to believe. That's just saying it for the sake of it. It doesn't work that way. It comes from MAKING things ok. By taking action. You take action. They take action. The difference between a dom and a sub is that a sub needs guidance and direction. To have something to react/respond too. They might initiate with an action, but a dom can use persuasion, intimidation, threats, rewards, fear and force. As can the sub. A sub might let it happen. Because of the right combination. They want it. Perhaps crave it.

A dom can have the same desires. But they'll still control you. Otherwise they wouldn't be "domming you". Both the dom and the sub provide ideas and take action. Making the first move. A dom might go with the flow. As well as the sub. But a dom is more likely to change a situation. They make it happen. A sub may also be a good leader and lead people effectively. Including the dom. Yet the sub may follow any order the dom gives unless otherwise threatening either of their safety. And even then it may be allowed if the danger and risk is known.

You know the saying of "leaders lead by example"? It means "That private in the army lead better then anyone else". Whoever does it "more effectively" is the dom. It has to be proven through action. Not just calling yourself one. Which too many seem too.

Bunnie • Oct 28, 2020

“The difference between a dom and a sub is that a sub needs guidance and direction.”

@ Taramafor,

So this is what you feel defines a submissive from a Dominant?

NoOneofConsequence​(dom male){Taken} • Oct 28, 2020

I reserve the right to be just as wrong as anyone else crawling across the face of this ball of rock hurling through lonely, empty space.

But,...

I've always had the sense that Dominance and submission revolved very much around control and the decisions that lead to said control.

It has always been my craving in my own personal journey to be in control of what is happening to me, to make my own decisions. Right, wrong, good, bad, I wanted to be the one steering the boat. (Of course, I've also been arrogant enough to believe that I knew best how to steer this fuckin' course... so that may be a part of it too.)

Whereas submissiveness has always seemed to me to... well, to not want to be the one steering. For something. Just what... or how much... has seemed to vary from person to person that I interacted with. But, there was always a sense of relief from them that I was stepping in to navigate the rocks and shoals. And relief on my part when they didn't try to yank the wheel back.

I readily admit that I don't know just how accurate that might be, but in decades of study and experience, that seems to be the commonality. The capitalized side of the slash thinking they know best how to steer this junket, and lower cased side being not only open to having the junket steered by hands other than their own but welcoming that... mmm... lack of necessitated responsibility. Being able to relax and enjoy the ride.

Maybe just in bed, not having to decide what position... or even that things should maybe start at some point soon.

Maybe just in beginning a conversation that moves past inanities to something meaningful without having to be the one to decide the next step.

Maybe being reminded to take meds, drink water, eat healthy, and exercise.

Maybe being motivated to get up and get to work on a degree and a career that they just can't seem to find the motivations from within themselves to make it happen although they "really do want to."

Or, maybe... just maybe... stepping in and stopping them from making a decision that seems right to them in the moment but would be taking them down a high risk/low return future path that they can't see the forbidden forest for the beautiful trees...

***shrug***

As I say, I don't pretend to know all the answers (yet), but that's just how it has seemed to me from my own experiences and observing others from the outside.

Bunnie • Oct 28, 2020

@ NoOneofConsequence,

Thank you for sharing your thoughts. If I have understood correctly, it seems yourself and Taramafor have said similar things in regards to what you perhaps define as the difference. It makes sense.

So is it the desire that is the driving factor that creates the defining aspects, or characteristics, I wonder?

WetWhenWhipped88​(sub female) • Oct 28, 2020

I think that it varies, depending on the individual needs of each partner. Everyone has different requirements and desires, so what defines as D/s relationship for me person isn't always applicable to the next.

tallslenderguy​(other male) • Oct 28, 2020

For me, i look at D/s from a natural physics standpoint. That at our most basic level, we are like positively and negatively charged ions that naturally attract and have the potential to bond (bondage is natural?). As far as we know, as humans, we're a whole lot more complex than ions. We have thoughts and feelings, needs and desires that further define and affect our 'charge' and complicate bonding.

For me, D/s finds it's core, primary expression in my sexuality. It can overflow into other areas, but i could spend a lifetime just exploring and experiencing the D/s dynamic sexually. Personally, i do not need to do the dishes or be told how to make a sandwich, but i do need to be bred and have my whole being needed and possessed in that way.