Should I ask for rules?

Quirkyrebel​(sub female) • Jan 9, 2021

Being a brat the rules need to find their own country to torment!

DukeOfPayne​(dom male){Training C} • Jan 10, 2021

Any successful D/s relationship should be based on an agreed set of rules that shall be discussed, explained and from then on followed and adhered to

No honourable Dominant or Domme should fantasise that they can begin spanking or punishing their new submissive without first having explained why

For example : Dominant is spelt with a Capital D. A submissive may be deemed to have been disrespectful if they have been too lazy to correctly use Caps. Disrespect or petty laziness should be regarded as a punishable offence.


Respectfully yours


DukeOfPayne

tulsafun • Jan 11, 2021

Don't top from the bottom. Communicate with your partner. If he is a Dom he will see you are topping. This will only annoy or piss him off. There is no reason why you two shouldn't be able to talk about scenes and activities you two enjoy. Being a submissive is about being obedient and pleasing.

eager qt • Jan 11, 2021

An update for those who are curious:

Definitely was reeling in sub frenzy (SO glad to know this term and how common of a phenomenon it is) when I wrote this (and maybe had some wine). I wish The Cage would allow forum posts to be deleted.
Some of the input here has been helpful regardless, but I feel like I need to pump the breaks a little bit and just be patient, let things build more before rules potentially get factored in. “Eager”-ness needs to be checked sometimes.

alawey​(sub female){(OWNED BY } • Jan 11, 2021

1 COMMUNICATION!!!!!!!!!

2. COMMUNICATION !!!!!!

3. COMMUNICATION !!!!!!

meaning = as in being new . You NEED (imho) not to worry so much about etiquette. But in what is being wanted and need by both parties. And the only way to do this is to communicate.

Kitzer​(sub female) • Jan 12, 2021

I would say rules would come into play organically or methologically depending on his style of dominance but as those before me have said, there's nothing wrong with mentioning what you'd like to have happen!

Like if I wanted to be flogged, I might just go grab it, give it to him and see what happened next! Dommies should like pleasing their subs and so you should show him what you like and see what he does with it.

MrFulmen • Jan 12, 2021

Taking things slow and letting the dynamic build gradually sounds like great wisdom to me.

As for asking for things you want, I'm the opposite of the folks suggesting that you frame your desires as things you're doing for your partner. I love it when my submissive partners share their open and raw desires with me. That feels like them giving me their vulnerability, and telling me how to push the buttons that will make them excited to submit.

Conversely, I strongly disapprove of a partner trying to dress up their desires as services they're offering to me. Don't try and get me to give you a treat while pretending that you're focused on my desire.

So for me the ideal way to start that conversation would be something like "I love the idea of you giving me rules to follow when we're out at the dungeon. Here's an example of what kind of rule I'm imagining... Here's what it would mean to me, and how I think it would make me feel..."

Where to begin ......

Aquarius Dom​(dom male) • Jan 12, 2021

I fear this is a newer problem created by the instadom society that this is changing to

A lot of people bypass the consideration stage which is where rules limits and boundaries are agreed, note agreed, not forced on you by coercion against your wishes, it’s also where the discovery chats happen explore each other’s previous relationships what worked well and what didn’t !
No one should commit to being a sub until all of the above has happened!
Amongst the Questions that need answering are :-

* What would a proposed dynamic look like for us?
* What are your wants/needs within any dynamic you may propose ?
* Are you monogamous, or looking for a poly relationship
* Do you continue to talk with multiple people until such time as you are in a committed relationship/dynamic?
* Am I the only one you're taking with, if not, what do those other conversations look like?

Any true Dom worth your respect and submission should be happy to answer them !

Instead of topping from the bottom ask your master if you may have a discussion about improving his experience with you !!

Just my opinion others may well differ !!

LordofPain56 • Jan 14, 2021

Rules? It is not rules you are speaking of rather, preferred kinks.
Although, years ago I had a profile (on a different BDSM website) that included "house rules" and "relationship rules", but also listed my kink preferences.
Here is a list of the relationship rules that were in my old profile for example:
Thou shalt not lie, omit the truth, keep secrets nor attempt to deceive thy Master. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbors spouse nor their goods and shall accept thy Master's provisions for thee. Thou shalt not commit adultery. Thou shalt always obey thy Master. Thou shalt be under the protection of thy Master, thus thou shalt not thwart his efforts in keeping thou safe and free from harm. Thou shall accept all the rules of traditional chivalry (wait for Master to open door, walk furthest from curbside while taking Master's hand, seating her at the table, allow Master to carry heavy goods, etc). Thou shalt not be unkind to neighbors, relatives nor strangers. Thou shalt be subject to consuming a healthy diet prepared by Master and thou shalt not cheat on this diet. Thou shalt be subject to keeping thyself clean and pretty. Thou shalt immediately inform Master of any health issues. Thou shalt not perpetrate drama in thy Master's household.

LongerJohnny​(dom male) • Jan 14, 2021

Speak up - before you find yourself in that situation.

The whole idea about how "topping from the bottom" is so taboo is horseshit - because there are established mechanisms to ensure that no dynamic ends up in that situation in the first place.

Oh, and dropping cute little hints disguised as groveling is an insult to the intelligence of both Dom and sub.
Looking down at my sub while she is begging me to do things to her is awesome, but it is quite a bit different from hearing "Sir, um, so do you think maybe you could, oh I dont know, kinda punish me over here a little bit sometime? A spank or 2 perhaps?"

Instead, how about trying the other, less touted but equally important CNC:
Consideration!!!
Negotiation!!!
Communication!!!

* Consideration - Are you even compatible? Are there things that you both like? Do you think you it's worth moving forward? (WhitKnight had some excellent examples of other questions.)

* Negotiation - "Ok, lets talk about this. Punishment? - check. Spanking? - check. Now each of us knows that it's a thing." And so on.

* Communication - About a year ago a Dom asked me for advice about how to keep his dynamic from falling apart. "She's just always unhappy. Sometimes she acts like obeying my every word doesn't make her happy. I tell her what to do, she does it, but isn't happy about doing it. What else could I possibly do?"
I told him that regardless of how much he wants it to not be true, a dynamic is made up of 2 or more parties, and all are involved. "Treat it the same way you would a relationship of any flavor. You've made your position known, now be quiet and listen to what she has to say. You can be a Dom or a dictator but only 1 is going to be respected by his sub."

So speak up. And even if it does get to the point where you are concerned about "topping from the bottom" remember this - a Dom listening to the needs of his sub is not an inconvenience - it is an obligation. It could also have the fortunate side effect of bringing you closer together.