The insta-dom approach?

Miki • Feb 3, 2021

I haven't had to deal with this in quite a while, but when I was new in here I got a few of those. It didn't bother me much per se, but I didn't dive right into such situations, either. They always go away once they figure out that I'm "not looking".

Conversely, one or two guys who didn't do the "insta dom" approach remain in contact as friends and that's just plain kewl!

Now in order to properly contribute to the thread I'll venture my opinion even though it's not a hell of a lot different from what I have read so far. It simple seemed to me that the "insta-dom" types are inexperienced at this and think it's what is expected, or are out looking for a quick hook-up rather than an ongoing D/s dynamic. They may be going with the "Nothing ventured nothing gained" maxim without realizing that doing that might be fine for advancing in the workplace, it doesn't hold a lot of water in personal relationships, be they "BDSM" or "Vanilla".

I find it kind of similar to those very few who foist dick-pics on a woman in their Message folder or even on "Bond". So far all I did in response is try to say something nice and very brief, maybe with a touch of snark: "I've seen your face somewhere before. Another one-eyed Jack in the crowd." then I delete the photo of the appendage in question.

Taramafor​(sub male) • Feb 5, 2021

Yes. But it's going to work better in "instant chat" places. Discord or second life will have better results because it's simply easier to talk with each other instead of "at" each other. Seeing someone else typing is a good addition as well. Let's you know when someone is trying to speak even if they have yet to hit enter. Real life interactions will be pretty much the same.

The trick is to be confident. State what you want done when taking an interest in someone. The key is simply confidence. Along with reassurance.

Depending on who you interact with, it can either go down very well and things happen very quickly, or someone might have doubts and trust issues. Which slows things down and requires more communication as a result. With the former, you can get things to happen "instantly" with the right approach. The later needs more "prep work". If someone shows they have "issues", then that has to be focused on. I can get even people like that to engage with me in a quick and timely manner (though it may require a day of talking first. But THEN things happen). This is because I make sure they always know what they're getting into and it's their choice. But if they make excuses and bullshit me (to be very blunt and very frank) then I call out excuses when they are made and point out someone is worrying when they didn't make an effort. It might sound harsh, and maybe it is, but after that effort is made they have fun and say as such. And we become happier overall as a result.

It also helps to watch movies/shows and focus on the best of things even in the worst. From there, things happen quicker. Provided you make sure you point out it's the response to a situation that matters. Easier said then done for some people. But if I "Toss a bone" and it's brushed aside, I'm sure to remind people that I presented the option to not fixate on the negatives. The simple reminder in and of itself can then lead to moving on to more positive things. You have a choice. You can either remain hooked on the negatives, or try to enjoy the here and now. Grudges simply don't help. If a talk needs to be had, it's hard. But the moment it's had, enjoy the here and now.

The most difficult of people that even I will struggle with are those that refuse to listen. When you're facing someone that isn't shy, you can get fast results with the right approach. Someone that deal with secrets and struggles can take a bit longer, but if you know what you're doing, you can get results in a week or two at most, provided you're pointing out awareness and focus on straight answers.

Someone that refuses to ever hear about what they did though... Those people can cause that conflict to linger for potentially years. At least when someone complains and argues they're focusing on finding the truth with you. Now, the above can say they avoid conflict. Yet then face it when you challenge them. But if someone clearly refuses to listen whenever you want to talk, that's more then a red flag. It's perhaps the number one reason for insanity. Nothing good has ever come from deaf ears and turned backs. And personally, I'm too stubborn to let people get away with things. So I'll keep fighting for the truth until we get to the honesty of the situation. At which point things get better. Could have been on the first day when you let me talk the FIRST time. Which leads to instant results. At least I get those results when finally talking and getting to show them.

Moral of the story? Well, you basically get three main personality types (which also have their own sub types). People that "go with the flow" easily (they'll aim to please you right away), people that struggle because they have more issues (they'll need to be talked into it) and people that don't want to hear about their own assumptions and flaws (Being hurt you can recover from quickly with the others. Except here if they cut off a line of communication).

How fast you get results depends on two factors. 1: Your own ability (you have to follow certain patterns). 2: THEIR own ability. But above all else, 3: Talking your ass off and being upfront right away, no matter the topic. Stalling is simply wasting time. It's actually for peoples safety that I get answers from them quickly. And if I want something "weird" I state it in a way like "I want you to do this with me" or "Up for doing that with" while inserting X weird kink here. Even if I just met them. I do it confidently, without shame, fear or judgement. Probably after already having done something with them. The example I set is always the example they follow. Later if not sooner. Reassurance (like telling people they're fine and that you'd speak up if they were interrupting) is a big factor here. Let them know they're not "in the way" as it were.

You could for example go "I know a nice place I'd like to show you". Provided they already took an interest in you. Then take things from there. Otherwise you have to get them interested somehow. Which comes down to the "first talk". Simply letting someone know you want to do things or/and get to know them can do the trick. If you observed things they like, then play to that. Even talking about a show can led to suddenly enjoying it yourself then one thing leads to another and suddenly you're treating them like a sub or vice versa. Or even back and forth together both ways.

I only talk about the D/s topics (among other things. Like control and choice) if someone uses the "labels". Long story short, context is key and generalising doesn't help. If I can do things right away, great. Otherwise they clearly have concerns or are ignorant about something (they might not know how to make good things happen quicker for example). It's all going to depend on the person. But you do get a lot of people that "engage back easily" even if there's people that struggle too. I know this because I engage with a lot of people myself and had to learn how to get others to have good times with me. It' perfectly possible, and can become easy. But only once you know how. If it's always hard all the time, then it might be your own issues/flaws/mistakes leading to the lack of interaction. Which is something worth reflecting on either way.

@Mika: I been told "Not looking for". Then I said it's about what they don't know and showed them what I'm like. They're still here and we're happy. Basically, "Not looking" doesn't work with me. Because who looks for someone that isn't even known/understood yet?

MountaintopMaster • Feb 5, 2021

Not proud to say that I have let a few "insta subs" get my cyber pants off in one night.

Ya know what, it's the internet, it's a pandemic, people need some sanity or comfort or whatever it is they find. You can have a fling but also still look for something real, the two are not mutually exclusive nor does one automatically dilute or invalidate the other.

Go into it with a healthy amount of awareness and self respect, and you'll be fine no matter what you do. BDSM is about not feeling ashamed about our primal needs, even if it's just for a night, or a week...

/Unpopular opinion

Quirkyrebel​(sub female) • Feb 7, 2021

1) These fast- to -declare-I'm-your-Dom people do not know the true trick to Dominating a sub through careful messaging

And that's good... because they've already screwed themselves for a movie script contracting!

2) Only a highly trusting woman who is easily lured out for that could possibly fall for that trick! She'd put her ideals before her happiness!

A gold digger to a rich looking Dom for example could fit that movie scenario! Or an extreme slave escaping horribly alcoholic and threatening parents!

3) Avoid saying you're their Dom before two weeks of chatting has passed!

Because a normal girl living an okay and considerably beneficial life would block or reject such an aggressive approach. Almost like they're a dictator! I know for a fact their fast catcalls could be the sign of an abuser!

With all this in mind... I barely have any experience as a sub! But have seen enough the insta-dom approach would cause shivering and a quick escape!

Rivermxl • Feb 7, 2021

I personally find it off putting but not that odd as an ocurrence. I would absolutely never do it but can think of reasons people might, also; I can consider the approach possible in established relationships, like just arriving home, seeing your partner and just taking them on the spot... And I'm even cautions about that scenario, trust is a must.

Witchie​(sub female) • Feb 7, 2021

Well and then there are those that just say "hi" or "hey" or some such and it's like.... You have to put in the effort, dude!

master disaster​(dom male) • Feb 7, 2021

Very true. You need to find that good middle ground. Gotta try to be interesting and at least a little naughty. Without being overbearing and presumptive

TheDankLord​(switch male) • Feb 8, 2021

Its off putting to me. Takes time to get to know someone. There was this one dominatrix who was like that with me a couple years ago. Demanded that I be her slave right away. Needless to say we never met in person. I was not comfortable and she got offended when I said I wanted to get to know her first.

At an absolute minimum I want to go on a date or two before establishing a D/s dynamic, and more often it takes longer than that. It may be a fun fantasy to imagine some sort of love at first sight scenario where I'm someone's slave no sooner than I meet her, the reality is that getting to know and trust people takes time.

Same goes for both potential doms and potential subs. Want to make sure we both comfortable before doing anything, even if I'm not the one tied up.

Kelpi • Feb 8, 2021

I have seen this in doms and subs it makes my head hurt at times to think all it takes is a "hi" and your in love. I must say yea it has happened to me but we lasted years before it wore off. Still the point is get to know someone first.

clevelandkitten​(sub female) • Feb 8, 2021

I just find it extremely irritating.