It's gone.

It's gone.

enigmatic • Feb 10, 2021

Hi.
One of the first things my fiancee and I talked about after we met on match was Dom sub. This was not something either of us had put on our description so it was a pleasant surprise. I'd never been with anyone interested in it and resigned myself to just fantasies.

We were both very much on the same page and talked for 3 weeks before meeting. We were both very satisfied with how it went and the dynamic continued for 3 or 4 months. He collared me and we made vows to one another.
Now for the last 4 or 5 months he does anything dominant less and less until that part of him just disappeared all together. Sex is regular but vanilla.

Now I am a submissive, that he let me show for the first time, without a Dom. I am frustrated and disappointed.

I asked about it a couple of times. He said his Dom side would come back.
Now he asks if there is an issue with my libido. I explained how I feel about the loss of a Dom and the hot sex and we talked about it. He said since he fell deeper in love with me, he just doesn't want any of what we used to do.

I feel abandoned, cheated, kind of misled. I am depressed and don't see that anything is going to improve.

Any thoughts or words of wisdom are appreciated.

BTW, we are both in our 50s. He has had a semi Dom sub relationship in the past.

SunshineLover • Feb 10, 2021

Wow. I would be so disappointed... I'm trying to get back into this lifestyle after four years of nothing, but vanilla men... I had who tried to please, but at the end of the day it was just vanilla. I hope things work out with you and your Dominant... Good luck to you...

OraclePollon​(sub female){NotYours} • Feb 10, 2021

Relationships can both evolve sand devolve.

This is an example of him presenting and you being honest. That, as it is obvious now, doesn't work. I mean, it could work, if you get married and resign to being unhappy. What is love? "I love you so I don't want to treat you like a sub anymore?" is that love? What was he doing before? Humiliating you? I am not saying it is not understandable, everyone evolves, or devolves. You two have seemed to do it in opposite directions. But then what did he do? (Not that I know the full story) he asks (or projects as it seems) that YOUR LIBIDO is in question? My defense was going to be, that maybe he and you could be past the physical stage, many people fall in love and don't need/have sex very often. But he took that off the table too, trying to blame YOUR libido for not being there... hmmm. I am not making accusations, but love is grown, you can grow it again... maybe with someone who doesn't pretend to be something they are not out of the gate, then blame you when they are not that anymore. Just a thought. Good Luck.

enigmatic • Feb 10, 2021

OraclePollan,

Thanks for your response.
Not sure if your question was rhetorical or not.
No, he was not into humiliation and I am not either.

OraclePollon​(sub female){NotYours} • Feb 10, 2021

Ah, sorry. I guess that came off a little ignorant. What I meant was, if he is in "love" now and not doing those "things" (Whatever they were) what did he think he was doing then when he didn't yet "love" you? I used humiliation... because that is a limit for me, I don't like it.. but some do, so that was my bad.

What I meant was he has said he loves you so will no longer do those things to you, so what he was doing to you before was not love. Makes no sense to me.

But thank you for calling me on my crappy analogy!

Tthomas • Feb 10, 2021

That was my story several years ago.
Very frustrating and a lot of time trying
to figure out how best to live our lives.

Keep working on it. Above anything
else you have to be open and honest
about your feelings.

Kelpi • Feb 10, 2021

If the heart is there then there is a way. Talk to him and make it clear you love him but he started a fire you do not can't put out. Maybe it is time to try a dungeon and see how it goes. If there is love enough to stay maybe you can have a Dom outside but sex with only him?

MissBonnie​(dom female){oz} • Feb 10, 2021

I know this is a male Dom and sub questions and maybe I shouldn't reply but I'm hoping you don't mind a Dom Female suggestion

Where could you both met in the middle?
Obviously he wasn't/isn't adverse to BDSM as he has gone there with you. He hasn't tucked his tail and ran from the room screaming. So he is capable and did want to once for YOU.
I'm going to guess the interested has faded rather than list why it might of faded, I think the parenthesis needs to be on "repair" ***IF*** you want to go there. As Pollen said, your not happy without it and hes not happy with it. The situation isn't going to repair itself. A balance will need to be found or one of you will be unhappy (for life?)

I think you maybe need to re talk with him and stress your not happy without it. I'm not suggest you guilt him into playing as that isn't t right and its against everything GOOD about BDSM. Guilting him to playing for peace only creates a situation of resentment that will build and fester over time (and possibly only delay the possible demise?) . I'm also not saying to settle but **IF**your capable of living on less and him of giving more, you could perhaps find a workable middle ground. While love can conquer all, love and kink is often better. Only YOU can decide just how much you could give up...or if you even should.

**IF** he would met you in the middle and could go with some.....
Could it be a weekly thing, or monthly thing where he could help you met your needs.
Special arranged dates or occasions?
How does feel about a poly set up so your needs could be met?
What about a pay to play situation with a Prodom/me (please solicitation is not allowed on this site)
Could you even possibly RE negotiate the arrangement you had.
If hes not feeling "it" what activity wasn't doing it for him? what was? something made him change his mind (I'm guessing BDSM is how he though he would attract you and figured it was worth a try)
How else could you feel submissive or create a submissive mind set that doesn't require "as much" Dominance from him? Such as clothing choices, sitting on the floor, protocols for day to day life. Serving him etc. there is loads you can do that doesn't require his guidance or over seeing!
Could "sex" and "BDSM" be separated to create a dividing line for the BOTH of you. Often the combination of the two, when one is "less" hard wired (or introduced to) can take the shine off the other. If he is only enjoying "sex" without BDSM, then separation might be worth a try. Many vanillas or introduced partners are often up to "topping"

enigmatic • Feb 11, 2021

[quote="OraclePollon"]

Oh no! What you've said is perfect. I stopped abruptly before because he came in.
I agree, what he's saying makes no sense.
Yeah, he is blaming my supposed lack of libido. In fact I am still having, er.. release, just using fantasy or, on occasion, porn.
He was so pleased before, saying I am a natural submissive,band that his previous partner tried but it wasn't for her.
Because I am sexually submissive, even bringing this up, after months of frustration is hard.

Thank you for your insight!

enigmatic • Feb 11, 2021

There are some great suggestions here.
I just need to separate my emotional feelings and resentment from the sex and kink part so I can address it with him.
He initiated the first convo about BDSM, sent me some things to read when he saw I was interested, and he made it clear this was important to him. I am an INFJ personality type. I need the sexual mental intensity.
I did find over time that Dominance was more something he liked to play at than who he really is. I was not pleased about that but accepted it.
It has just slipped away.

Agreed, more conversation is needed.