Hi! I would like to know more about how to do BDSM safely

Hi! I would like to know more about how to do BDSM safely

DevilMayUse • Apr 1, 2021

As in the subject i would like to know more on a physical aspect of a dom and not abusive. I am a 25 year old male and i want to be safe, and not anywhere near abusive when i comes to being more physical in my Dominatrix style!

House Talion​(dom male) • Apr 1, 2021

Use a condom-inium lol.

No. Consider every tool you would use on a sub. Practice on your fore arm so you can better understand the force and weight

DevilMayUse • Apr 1, 2021

Okay, gaging pressure on certain other things as well. Gotcha!

ElizaEmma​(sub female){NotLooking} • Apr 1, 2021

Do remember there is more than just physical safety. Sound like a broken record here, but communicate, communicate, and communicate more and learn the sub's non-physical boundaries and limits and triggers, such as being called certain names. For example, calling someone with body dysmorphia a fat pig may cause just as much damage as a mishandled single tail.

MissBonnie​(dom female){oz} • Apr 1, 2021

What you are asking for would require a novel length post to reply. In short no one is going to write that long a post. They would actually being you a disservice if they did. As safety id more than a few lines. But saying that, we can help you if single out just what you want.
An idea for you to try is get hold of kink negotiation list (can find one? I can email you one if you like)
discuss and negotiate EVERYTHING on that list, clearly.
Talk, talk and talk some more.
Be 100% honest and open with eachother.
Take notes and start building an idea of what you want and what she wants.
where does it cross over?
the areas you BOTH marked an interest in, is then a good place for you to start learning the safety aspect on. That list of things to know will then be a lot shorter and less daunting to dive into.
Your 25 so I'm going to guess your GF is too. BDSM is a marathon, not a sprint! You don't need to know it all right now. You have the rest of your lives together to build your skill set. its simple don't go there, till you know what your doing.
Start at the top of the list and work down! Before you know it, you'll have the basic skill set you know.
If you get stuck, post like you just did with a more focused topic ..like how do I do X,Y,Z and do it safely.

Taramafor​(sub male) • Apr 1, 2021

Simple really. Awareness first and foremost.

Some people will take offence to being asked why they do what they do. The real danger is when people can't handle the pursuit of honesty.

Add in some full and fair warning. Stress safety first. But let people make their own choices and accept their own dangers. If they ignore your warnings, you can at least go "I did warn you". And they will have to admit you were observant. If you observed accurately/correctly. If you assumed though then that might backfire.

As for what yu might THINK is abuse, what if it's the REVERSE? Depending on who you ask of course. This isn't about your own opinion alone here. I'm basically saying it can be a good thing to hurt someone if they want/enjoy it. Or otherwise have it leading to the "softer" things. It can get technical. But as long as things are controlled and you make sure people want/enjoy the attention then it works out.

That said if you stall with someones needs/happiness then they might end up hesitating with you. It likely won't be intended. Simpy put, focus on making each other happy. And make sure the other person aims to please back. It's that simple. even if there's technical details. But start with that simple thing. "Don't hesitate with making each other happy". Unless danger is sensed and needs to be discussed of course.

Choking comes to mind. Timing, very important. As is starting with shorter times and working up. Covering that possibility in case you happen to get close to someone that has it as a need.

Then we have things like degradation. Which could be misinterpreted as verbal abuse. But if someone needs to know what they are then it can "heal" them. Toss in being caring and affectionate after reminding them.

Perhaps most importantly of all, wording. State situations as they are for what they are. With corrections. In a short and clear way as possible. can make for fun online RP too. An example would be "This is the situation you're in. It is happening. I can an am doing this even if you said I can't." If they admit you have a point, well and good. If they're silent then they can't counter argue. Move on to fun activities (right away potentially). If they#re in denial and saying things that aren't true that could go either way, depending. Remind them with actions if not words perhaps. This might seem like just playing around. But it's actually VERY important that people are reminded of the situation they're actually in. In the interest of mental stability. even if someone doesn't like a current situation they're in they can still enjoy themselves moments after. It's the awareness factor. Both eyes open.

Aquarius Dom​(dom male) • Apr 1, 2021

If you wouldn’t allow something to be done to you do not expect someone else to allow you to do it to them !!

Red or safe word is stop instantly, not when you choose ! Instantly no matter what it is you are doing move immediately into care/aftercare mode, talk about what happened!

Taramafor​(sub male) • Apr 2, 2021

Different people. Different needs. What "hurts" you might "heal" another.

Some things apply to everyone though. Like "Assuming incorrectly". And "Deaf ears and turned backs". But other things are case by case, even if you might THINK it would be an "everyone" thing.

As for what people "allow", my actions are my own. Theirs are theirs. Wherever people "like" it or not is another matter. That can either be a good or bad thing depending on the situation.



BLACK flag. I realise this is likely a mistake and poor wording, but that's making it worse and can cause others (and yourself) severe mental trauma. And perhaps worse. Since you brought choice itself up though then I may as well get into it. Because this is actually very important.

It's up to me if I want to stop or continue. That's my choice. Not yours. No statement will ever change that simple fact. Regardless of what another person wants. Reverse logic also applies. It's also your choice to stop or continue whatever you do. No one else's. Your choices are yours. Your own. At ALL times. I must stress this. I am reinforcing the fact that ones own choices are always theirs. At all times.

Sometimes some situations needs a judgement call of which will of course need to be justified. In regards to continuing a situation. It's not always black and white. That gets technical. Let's move on to the main concern.

You might want a situation to stop. But if someone stops or continues then It is their choice. And you saying otherwise doesn't change that fact. Pretending otherwise violates choice itself. Which only means you put someone in a situation where you set that example (trying to decide for others. Which is actually impossible). That they might then follow. I'm pretty sure that would only lead to bad things. I also state violating choice and putting people in a situation where they feel like they have no choice leads to mental instability, self destructive tendencies. And if pushed too far lashing out. Suicide also a possibility. So I'm not speaking lightly about this. It's simply up to them and no one else. The best anyone else can do is try to convince.

If I'm making a big deal out of this it's because I've seen first hand what happens when people feel like they don't have a choice. It's one of the worst things you can do. Especially when it's because of good intentions. To try and decide for others. It's honestly one of the most harmful things that can be done.

I think what you're actually trying to say is that when someone feels overwhelmed due to a situation that it's normally best to stop that situation when someone says they're overwhelmed. Which can be done with actually stating as such us otherwise using a safe word. Please note that I refrained from speaking for others as if it's up to me what they do. Under no circumstances does anyone else make your choices. At all times it is up to you, regardless of what others want.

Actions have consequences of course. But it's always your choice. And no one else's. Lose sight of that for even one moment and you set yourself up to be hurt. Or hurt others. And all because of the good intentions.

Aquarius Dom​(dom male) • Apr 2, 2021

Hello Taramafor,
I appreciate what you are saying however the OP is a Dom not a submissive so I naturally replied from a Doms perspective

Quote: If you wouldn’t allow something to be done to you do not expect someone else to allow you to do it to them !!

A Dom should for example know how a crop feels or the feelings during sensory deprivation or indeed any other of the many actions that happen within the lifestyle

WARNING TRIGGER BELOW
Too often I’ve seen or heard of wannabe doms physically and mentally hurting a sub by not totally understanding what they were doing I’m not talking here about agreed limits and boundaries I’m talking about the reckless stupidity that occurs occasionally when people don’t understand cause and effect ! !
Let me tell you about Sarah
Once upon a time I had a submissive called Sarah
she was an amazing sub in every sense of the word, however there was one area that required my total control. Unfortunately a long time before I met her she had been gang throat raped after her Dom left her at an agreed gang bang scene, she has no idea how many times but there were around a dozen guys there !
Ended up at A&E with injuries from the attack and years of therapy !
Of course as agreed during our discussions on limits and boundaries with me anything other than just sucking the tip (which she enjoyed) was a complete boundary!
We were together for a while and over time Sarah developed the ability to drop into subspace as soon as I slipped a blind fold on her !
And that’s where a naive or clueless lesser Dom wouldn’t have had a clue !
She would go wild to swallow my cock, almost feral I used to have to pull her off by her hair with all the strength I had with my other hand clamped around my cock to stop her taking it any further into her mouth let alone deep throat!
As I knew the effects of it would be horrendous when she came out of subspace both physically and mentally. There was no way on this planet that I could allow her to continue even though she would beg and plead !! I would in the early days have to pull the blindfold off to stop the scene
As always during aftercare we would talk about it and eventually agreed a distraction technique with another physical interaction which she adored, which allowed the scene to continue

Quote: not when you choose !

Respectfully I believe you read this from the wrong side of the slash !
If I or any other Dom worthy of the name hears the Safeword, or sees the agreed signal if vocalisation is not possible or heard Red if using traffic light system, then the ceasing of the action by the Dom has to be immediate and total that’s the reason it’s there , by saying “not when you choose” I was referring to the Dom he doesn’t get to choose when to stop he stops before another heartbeat occurs !

I do hope that’s cleared up any confusion

WK