Husband wont Dom anymore?

Husband wont Dom anymore?

Stulls​(sub female){Collared❤️} • Apr 16, 2021

My husband and I met on the cage in 2018
Had a good dom sub relationship and we also included our boyfriend girlfriend relationship into that.

Dated a year lived together for 10 months of that year

Moved got engaged and got pregnant all within the next 3 months

He immediately stopped any play with me due to his worry about hurting me and we couldnt have sex due to complications

A few months after the baby was born he said he needed time to get back in the mindset of doming.
I said we could start slow but he refused

A few months pass and I catch him on a role play chat with a girl role-playing a kink
He said it was a one time thing and he was sorry
Still won't dom me

Months of trying to talk about it work through it and help him pass
He always refuses and gives no explanation
It hurts me that he never explained cause it feels like its me

But now I dont trust him, he hides his phone. He always gets mad when i ask and I know hes on a chat group again but hes hidding it. So i logged on to his cage and found that in decmeber and January he was chatting a few subs trying to sext and start dom/sub relationships.

I'm so confused I always told him if he has any kinks we havnt done I would be willing to try them and he said he doesn't.
But those chats had other kinks

Is something wrong with me
Was I just not good enough
Why would he give up a willing devoted sub that he trained for years for someone else online
I feel like I somehow am the reason he doesnt want me anymore

I dont think I can forgive him for this , even if my sub side wants to submit and forgive anytime hes in the wrong

Hell if he just explained and helped me work through whatevers wrong with me I probably would forgive him

Rivermxl • Apr 16, 2021

There's a lot ot be said about your situation, which is more than unfortunate but I'll answer the questions I saw...

Nothing's wrong with you, related to you being cheated on and neglected.
There's no such thing as not good enough when measuring people, we are always good enough.
I can think of several reasons why he would do that, but none will help you.
The reason he doesn't seem to want you anymore is probably him, unless you changed dramatically somewhere along the way, chances are you're still the same you he started a relationship with.

This may seem cold but I really don't like writing too much on the forum topics, do know we care and that you are not alone.

Best regards,

- River

OraclePollon​(sub female){NotYours} • Apr 17, 2021

I am so sorry for your situation. Through it all, please remember:

No Woman (person) can make a man faithful
No Woman (person) can make a man try
No Woman (person) can make a man stay

The only person who can do those things is that Man. And until he realizes that, he will forever be (garbage) lost.

FullCanadian​(switch male){MissB} • Apr 17, 2021

I'm sorry to hear you're having these issues. It's not you. Marriage and pregnancy can be huge strains on a relationship. I hope your husband will make the effort to open up with you rather than hiding and deflecting. Please make sure that you take care of yourself and reach out to others often. You're still in the danger zone for postpartum depression as well. You need to find a way forward that keeps everyone safe and healthy. You're on the right path by sharing here. I hope some of the thoughts people help and support you in this tough time.

ElizaEmma​(sub female){NotLooking} • Apr 17, 2021

Please remember there is nothing wrong with you.

There could be some "Madonna and Whore" issue with your husband, that he does not fell like getting kinky with "the mother of his child".

I had a similar experience with my last Dom. We started out in a D/s relationship, as he got to know me better and saw my vulnerable side, he told me he could not "hurt" me anymore. The difference is he seems to have lost interest in being a Dom all together (at least for now) and we have sort of a vanilla FWB relationship.

I am so sorry for your pain.

House Talion​(dom male) • Apr 17, 2021

I didnt see anything there about marriage, just engaged. As we already know his apologies arent worth much, theres not much you can do with loose ends. If able, cut your loses.

Stulls​(sub female){Collared❤️} • Apr 17, 2021

I forgot to add we are married now and own a home . i pay most of our utilities and stuff for our toddler due to him needing to switch jobs so even if it gets worse I dont have money to leave him. His bipolar started back up and his therapist said he need a less stressful job. Im not able to get help im to busy with our kid and helping him with his mental health. I think I'm depressed again. I think I'm holding on cause he was the one who helped me with my depression the first time. But it feels like he doesnt care even tho he says he does

Miki​(masochist female) • Apr 17, 2021

First lines of posts are too easy to miss but she referred to him as "My Husband..."

Anyway as has been said already, multiple times, it's not you, it's him.

This won't make you feel too much better, except it's all on him-- that he is chatting and whatever kinky things with other women tells me that what you two had together wore out.

Such is the BDSM life for the most part from what I have seen IRL. 2 years tops before one or both decide it's time to add new spices to the recipe and chuck the old cake to make room for the new cake.

And it's not a whole lot different in the vanilla world. To wit, the divorce rate.. or more telling, the "Love-In-Love-In-Teddy" arrangements that codify the disposable nature of a relationship desired by both (or one with a particularly strong hold over the other, the saddest setup of this setup)

At this point there is no sage advice I can offer as I never did relationships. Oh I had a boyfriend in high school but after we graduated of course we went down different paths. My roomie was my lover for a time but she and I discovered we made better "surrogate sisters" than lovers, although we play once in a blue moon, when she is around. For the most part I live by myself. Fly solo, etc.

However, looks bleak as far as him returning to the dom role you want and that he's virtually screwing around behind your back (he thinks) the marriage looks like it shit the bed, too.

And there is a kid in the mix. Set everything aside and consider the child.

I think this guy, his phone, and his online floozies needs to be shown the door and next get with a splitsville lawyer and start by pegging a reasonable child support figure.

This was simply irresponsible and childish on his part, (screwing up the marriage that produced yours and his kid) but it happens all too often.


And, of course, the D/s shit is but secondary at this juncture.

And IMHO only, that's why I'd never recommend anyone gets too involved with Cage Animals without establishing a good, real life friendship..

You know, look what's under the hood. Too often you raise the hood and find a bag of snakes.

IowaDom​(dom male) • Apr 17, 2021

Looking in from the outside, it is a very hard thing to do to understand all that is going on between you, and no doubt a few paragraphs, while they certainly paint a picture, cannot tell others truly what has taken place. But that being said, you have asked for help, and I will do my best to try and help you.

The path from BDSM courting to serious to married to honeymoon to parents is a wild ride to say the least. And at each step we try to do our best to fill that new role. BUt as we take on each new role, we also undertake the burdens and responsibilities that accompany it. It is a helluva change to go through to see your lady in these lights ....

1. Potential new girlfriend / sub

Best foot forward (both people are doing this), see if there is any chemistry, common bonding, are we compatible? If we both feel the attraction, we go forward!

2. Dom / sub - is this the dynamic we want? So very much to learn about this new person! And its all VERY exciting!!! Will she submit to me? Will I submit to him?

3. Serious relationship - can I trust this person with my heart? my future? How do I prove to this person they can trust me with theirs?

4. Married - OMG! Forever! Gonna be so happy! Just like this FOREVER!!! Just him (her) and me!

5. Honeymoon - we are both so blissful and accommodating of each other! Nothing we won't do for each other!

6. Parents - whoops!! Giant ass responsibility just entered our lives. We ARE RESPONSIBLE for bringing a life into this world! Baby ,, why don't I get more attention? Honey - I have to take care of the baby too! we are now a relationship of 3 .....

And while I do not know your husband, I can tell you from experience, seeing the lady that turns on every light you have go from "Hottie I wanna know" to "she loves me and wants to give herself only to me!" to "Holy shit! She's a mommie! and that makes me a daddy!" can warp a mans perception of his lady. And you guys did it in a couple years!

See, the thing is, yes, you gotta be mommie, and he has to be daddy - but if you want your marriage to succeed, you still gotta WORK at it to keep each other turned on, to keep that honeymoon glimmer in each others eyes, you gotta be the hottie that turns his switches, and he has to be the studmuffin that rocks your world. And it's not gonna be as easy as when your met, it's gonna take effort and commitment from both of you. And you both have to remember that "us time" is whats gonna keep it there. When you can do that, the mommie role isn't taking away from you then, it makes you all the hotter!!

Now the cheating - yeah, gonna call it what it is. You are going to have to decide if you can trust em again or not. And he has to grow up ALOT. Jumping from bed to bed is fine and dandy when you are 15, but it's not what a Man does, and certainly isn;t what a Dad does. But without trust being rebuilt and EARNED again ... I fear the outcome is rather bleak. So it might be time for a heart to heart, and once a path is laid out, if it isn't followed, respected, and proven (an this mean OPEN HONESTY in all things, cell phone included.. you would not be out of line to include "I get to see your phone whenever I want until you earn my trust again). If he loves you, and wants you and his child in his life, he'll do it . he might scream yell and bitch about it, but in the end, he'll do what it takes to win you back if in your heart is where he wants to be. In the end, you have some new responsibilities though -- taking care of you and providing that child the best future you can, and a home that is their safe zone, emotionally and physically.

SubtleHush​(sub female) • Apr 17, 2021

Stulls​(sub female) You are more than good enough. This sounds more like a young couple issue than a Ds issue.

You should really consider marriage counseling with a Kink Aware Professional - KAP. Ds or Kink unto itself is not the end all be all. We are still humans with our own issues and frailties.

And while random strangers may have good ideas or advice, we are not living in this. You are. So sure I could fill a page of advice too but the bottom line is for you BOTH to figure out what this is. I will say I've heard it happening more often than people want to believe. I've heard this many times, that you don't see the real relationship until after the first two years. Here is one article but there are many on this topic.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/4669104.stm

Before you go any further or have more kids, please do consider counseling. And if he won't go, you go.

They say that the mistakes we won't learn from, we are doomed to repeat.

I know you hurt right now. That is totally understandable. But you must act, not just sit around blaming yourself.,

Hang in there.

H*