how to approach to a sub, as an inexperienced dom?

how to approach to a sub, as an inexperienced dom?

jackuac​(dom male){new to thi} • May 14, 2021

hello everyone,

So this girl approached me on Instagram, asking me to humiliate her through DM's/over the phone. I've always been the dominant one in my relationships but relevantly new to dom/sub thing. I've always been tempted to try it and she also offered some money so here we are. I really want to dominate her, and I know I can be exceptionally good at this.

How should I approach her? should I dive straight into humiliation, or should I be more kind at first. Precisely when do we stop knowing each other, and I start humiliating her? Answers are very appreciated.

redpoll​(dom male) • May 14, 2021

"How should I approach her? should I dive straight into humiliation, or should I be more kind at first."

So, first, the scenario seems a little odd to me, and maybe I'm just a little clueless, but there are plenty of rather-anonymous internet Doms who would humiliate rather-anonymous Instagram sub for free, so why exactly she's propositioning you and offering you money out of the blue seems strange to me, but I don't know what the end game is, nor can I really caution you against it with confidence, so let's just push all of that to the side.

I have two answers for you:

1) Why are you assuming you have to be a damn mind reader about this? Even more than that, I guess it's flattering you believe Thecage.co to be full of mind-readers, but I promise, we're just as much of a mind reader as you are. The only person who knows how a submissive would like to be humiliated is the submissive herself. Talk to her. Ask her questions. Learn about her. Negotiate. Communicate. That's the secret to Domination, knowing your sub, being present with her, learning about her. The primary reason you're not feeling confident about this is likely because you haven't made a serious effort to do that.

2) And speaking of confidence - being a Dom is not roleplaying as Christian Grey or as any other erotic ubermensch out there is fantasyland. One you know her, have confidence in being yourself. Have confidence in knowing what turns you on and what turns her on (since you've *ahem* talked to her). Be present. Have fun. And if you fuck up, and you will, probably, who cares, give her the means to communicate with you in real-time so you can course-correct together and keep having fun. That's all this is, being fun and being present, working together to create something meaningful, scandalous and fulfilling. Be confident in who you are, give her the freedom to truly engage, and you'll do great.

Serendipity1900s • May 14, 2021

I’m no expert but I agree with Redpoll. I’d also like to add that anyone seeking instant gratification and offering money is not only odd but may be a warning sign about their mental well-being.

There are plenty of platforms and sites that you can practice your Dom instincts on. A gentler and non aggressive approach is safest to begin with.

I’ve also learnt that this lifestyle is far more intense (and hence more gratifying) only once trust and understanding is established. That takes time. And patience. Ask a lot of questions, and don’t be afraid to tell them you’re new to this. Transparency is the first step to making a true and safe connection.

Good luck!

SubtleHush​(sub female) • May 16, 2021

So a random person approaches you to humiliate them. Based on what exactly? No one in a vanilla platform approaches me out of the blue to do things like this? And I've been on a lot of vanilla platforms, and kink platforms

Be care of the money. Especially if she needs your pay pal info to drop the money in there. That would be a scam.

If you have never done this and think you want to dominate you should learn about it first. Phone and online may seem safe but if it is a real person on the other side of the game you could hurt someone mentally and emotionally.

"I didn't know what I was doing." isn't usually a welcome defense.

If you had an amazing car and a random person wanted to drive it but they never drove before would you toss them the keys?

Ds 101, respect yourself and respect the other person. In this case, you have no idea what we do nor how we do it.

Aquilla{ • • •. [} • May 16, 2021

Not complicated. Run away.
Don't look back

lifedomhere​(dom male) • May 16, 2021

All great comments... take the advice you read here.

Sammy45​(sub female) • May 16, 2021

My advice is educate yourself in the ways of the lifestyle before engaging in any activity

Decide who you are
What you are and what values sit with you

Jumping into anything withhout proper consideration in my opinion is unsafe and you have no idea where it will go or who you are dealing with