What hurts the most ....

Hi you all beautiful souls

I have a small question....

What hurts the most ?

The ilusión that you found the one person who gets you and realising the TRUTH , that actually is not just yours , or the ilusión that you are ready to enter the lifestyle and be ready to embrace the shades , but deeply inside yourself you are monogamous and you know that this train is not the right one , but you enjoy too much the ride to be able to let go ?


And here I would like to share one beautiful song :

What hurts the most ... being so close ...





And on the end ... you just let go and step out of the train .... you respect the person and appreciate all , but walk away , knowing that if you continue, will break you , but letting go and walk away would heal you ?


Thinking and drinking lol, not the perfect combination, but just trying to clear my head and see the positive .... am I Selfish ?

You are not selfish in the least.

The only thing you should consider is exactly what you just said, and be sure to say that to any potential partner. So that they know going into something (I imagine something poly) that you will or may eventually leave for something monogamous.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with knowing this about yourself but not being ready to commit or look for it yet. The only selfish thing you could do is lead the other person (or people) on and letting them be with you on your journey where they don't know you don't want this forever. But for now, it is you, and you are allowed to revel in it and enjoy every moment.

Thank you for your kind post ..... I am hurt and disappointed, mostly for the loss of a person that I really respect and trust ... but I know , that I can’t do it .... me walking away , regardless of the pain would be better than lying to myself ..... and expecting something , from someone that is unable to give ....

Feeling that way just means you were in it for the right reasons. Everything worth respecting or having, even for a moment, should have a mourning period.

That is not your selfishness of leaving, that is your being truly in the moment when you were.

Thank you ? it’s mean a lot for me

You’re not selfish you can’t help your feelings, if you don’t love/like them anymore breaking up is the best solution (unless ur a couple and want to go to couple’s therapy) cause staying will only cause you to be more unhappy. Being with someone you love is the best feeling in the world you both deserve to feel it so go find the right people before they get snatched up lol.

What hurts the most is loving and losing, everyone deserves happiness. Letting go and healing doesn’t help everyone there’s different coping mechanisms some do rebounds, others smoke, others try to feel loved by friends and family, and some people can’t handle it

Drinking during a breakup is the best and worst idea so many things can happen

Gosh so much to say. Short answer...

It all hurts and it takes time to unpack how you find yourself in those situations. In the end, you are either protecting your feelings in a healthy and positive way by confidently declining the wrong opportunities or adding to the pain you end up with. Sucks I know.

The longer answer. So you don't have to read if you don't want to.

Hurt is your friend.

It took me many years to work that out but it goes like this. You make choices that put you in situations that ultimately cause you emotional pain. Hopefully, at some point, you realize that the pain isn't worth the choice and you learn to choose better. And you don't choose again until you are clear on that. After a lot of my own pain, I developed deal-breakers and must-haves, and anything, anything, that didn't fall into the right group was declined. So no drugs is a deal-breaker of mine, if I am talking to someone who is drug friendly, I shut it down. We aren't friends, chat buddies, or anything else. You don't get into my world because you represent a deal-breaker. No excuses, exceptions, or lying to myself. (I should say no judgment either. But the reality is we are not compatible.)

Stop filling in the blanks.

If someone makes a promise you already know is very unlikely for them, or out of bounds for you, don't rewrite it in your mind. If you know that most guys who cheat offer to leave their wives and most don't, don't decide you are so special that this one time they will leave. Men can be obtuse and imply a lot. Women fill in the blanks to what that means. Instead, in the face of an obtuse statement tell yourself he is being deliberately vague and if you can't get a straight answer, walk away.

Look at the history.

If a poly guy is promising you that he can go mono but his entire history has always been poly. Be careful. this isn't a Rock Hudson, Doris Day movie where the confirmed womanizer falls for the confirmed virgin. (If you're young you can look that up.) Think instead if it walks like a duck, and quacks like a duck it is most likely a duck. Think Occam's razor. Which is, the most likely truth is the one you consider.

Don't advertise what you aren't selling.

I'm not poly. I've considered it but I know me. I would instinctively take a back seat to subs that were in place before me. That would leave me unfulfilled because I am best in one on one dynamics. When I've explained this to poly Doms they argue the point and try to define me in ways that are NOT me. That is wanting and wishful thinking on their part. I know what won't work for me, so I don't let those communications take me too close where my feelings are involved. That result is a lot more pain when I have to walk away, which I knew would happen at the start.

Think of it this way. When you find a puppy or kitten you know you can't keep, DON'T name it. That makes it hurt more because you made a connection even when you knew you couldn't keep it.

Work on yourself, work on yourself, work on yourself.

Only with a personal stronghold of self-knowledge and development, can you safely navigate this realm where so many try to get out of you want they want and too often ignore your authenticity. There aren't real matches around every corner. It takes time and a fair bit of loneliness if you want more than casual. That is the price of waiting for the right person. When you find that person you end up with an enviable and sustainable long relationship. Think about the difference between MacDonalds and fine dining. Now don't get me wrong, I will always love MacDonalds, but there is much more nourishment in fine dining and healthy eating.

So decide what you are hungry for and shop for that.

If for some reason you find you can't help but choose the sure-fire painful outcome, I suggest more is going on. You might want to work on that since the unhappy truth for many of us is that we tend to choose the same type of person over and over again until we learn how to fix what is an unresolved issue in us and be healthier. It usually takes professional help, but we are worth it. Being in constant pain is not.

I don't think the question is which type of emotional pain hurts more. It all hurts. And even in the best scenarios, you may get hurt. So make your takeaway which is less often hurtful and which is worth the risk of hurt. That is the ultimate target I think. Your mileage may vary.

H*

Spme will way letting go is hard but staying and knowing is harder than cutting ties. No one wants to walk the lonely road but there are those who it is the only path they know and prefer it to the one more traveled. It is to each of us to find our place in life and hope we can find someone to share it with. For some it is just a dream others it is a nightmare.

Thank you ?

I loved the short and the long answer , and there are truths that ( it took me some time ) I faced and realised . Deal breakers are definitely something I looked at , but mostly I just gave myself a break and time to analyse and reflect.

Maybe because it was my first connection and my first experience I had my pink glasses on lol , or maybe I expected more than I should , but regardless of that , I enjoyed it while it last , was hurting when it ended , but learned from it and now I know what I would not accept

Z

Watching someone you love and care for wrap their hands around your throat as they yell "I wish you were dead, I'm going to kill you"