Who is in Charge? Surely it’s the Dom…but is it

Who is in Charge? Surely it’s the Dom…but is it

Samsea​(dom male) • Jul 30, 2021

Take this little piece of writing…
We were on the bed, but clearly not yet to make love, well not as I knew it. He positioned me carefully on my front and lay beside me. He kissed me and ran his hands through my hair, ruffling it, piling it up on my head and then, as he shoved his tongue very deep into my mouth pulling it, quite hard.

"Oooo," slipped from my mouth.

"Sorry my love, don't you like it?" He asked not in any way, though, lessening the tension as he added. "I am sure you will get to love it."

In all my active life I had never been confronted with the pain thing. I had never had full anal intercourse, been tied up or restrained. None of my motley gang of male lovers that for some reason I suddenly recalled had reached double figures, had suggested any form of spanking, BDSM or anything that most people might call kinky. And to be truthful I'd never really given that side of sex much thought, but now having my hair pulled in a way that hurt me I was forced to.

My thoughts:

It’s at moments like this that the sudden realisation that there is more to Love/Sex/Relationship’s than we were used to in the past and perhaps it’s a doorway to something more intense more fulfilling than we had known before. There is that butterfly moment when you get that first tingle in your stomach and it hits you… that mixture of emotions that at first seem confusing but then you relax and enjoy the newness of it all. But who instigated it, who allowed it to happen and what happens next. What I am trying to outline is unplanned unexpected first toe in the water into BDSM, which by definition takes on many forms. I am not going to go into what couple enjoy or don’t or set boundaries or none, that part of it is an agreement, not in the sense of a loving couple but a couple who have agreed to give each other pleasure, through their agreed consensual join actions.

My interest lies in where the power in this dynamic rests, is it with the Dom or is it, as I truly believe the Submissive. Looking at it as objectively as I can it has to be the Submissive as she/he can say yes… or no! Thinking about it from my experience she gives me her permission to treat her in a certain way, it’s the same for you as the Dom she agrees to submit to you. (forgive me guys I am writing this purely from my perspective but it’s the same for two men or two women in a D/S relationship) Therefore, by definition she (the submissive) is the one in charge without a doubt. As nothing happens, no meeting up nothing without her agreement, even if she defines herself as a slave, she has to give permission for you to use her as you wish, without her saying yes, even non verbally it turns into abuse, rape and everything that is total unacceptable between to adults.

What do you think… who has the Power!

SageFlame​(sub female) • Jul 30, 2021

Occam's Razor

What is being submitted by the submissive?

What is not being submitted by the submissive?

Power exchange right?
Who is giving the power?
Then who takes power away?

Control is an illusion.

It can be a harmony of passions when both seek to fulfill the others needs. A tamed wildfire.

It's not who has the power that is the crux but in the exchange friction ignites.

And that's my addage for today.

JHChrysler​(dom male) • Jul 30, 2021

The submissive ultimately holds the power in a D/s dynamic. In the end, I can't be Dominant without the consent of the submissive, and that consent can be revoked at any time.

MrFulmen • Jul 30, 2021

So you're saying the submissive has the power because they can withdraw their consent. Do you think dominants can't withdraw their own consent?

Short version: the person with more power in a consensual relationship is whichever person needs that relationship less.

Long version: https://www.consensualdominance.com/the-poisoned-gift/

RogueWolf​(dom male){Gaiawolf} • Aug 1, 2021

Neither side of the slash has the power, both do to an equal measure. Both have to consent to the dynamic or there is no dynamic. Both have to agree to their roles, responsibilities.

Taramafor​(sub male) • Aug 1, 2021

Nothing is stopping someone doing their own thing even if you don't like it and say no. Which can have various outcomes, depending on situation and context. This boils down to wherever the ends justify the means or not.

But at all times choice has to remain intact. Not because of "moral" reasons but because of "honesty". It's actually impossible to make the choices of another. Anyone even making the mistake of saying "should" or "shouldn't" can fall into the trap of denying the reality right in front of them. It's the situation. It is the situation. Accept it. Deny it. But it's the situation.

No one acts without self interest. This is where incentive factors in. Subs need it. Doms need it.

Awareness leads to honesty. Observations and corrections have to be done accurately. Not out of ignorance and fear. And if you complain about trust then you know you have trust issues and presume too much. Even if you might be in denail about it. Before control comes honesty. But above all else be honest with yourself. Let alone others. It's the only way to control your own life. The only way to know it.

For example, let's say someone is used. In this example I'm going to pick a quote from the first Dawn of War game. The person that is used (representing a sub for example) says "You can't just leave me here". The person that used him (representing the dom) says "Oh, but I can. And I do." Which is an accurate statement. Of which can not be faulted. One person spoke false. The other spoke true. And only in truth can their be any kind of trust. At least in regards to taking each other at your word.

It's also about what isn't known. Don't assume. First try to understand. Otherwise you don't know what you don't know. And if you don't know then you can't have an opinion one way or the other. It's ignorance. If you never asked, if you never bothered to try and find out, then that's on you. Not me. Once someone bothers to find out/ask then they know.

You can put someone on a leash and give it a yank while keeping them in line. But you can also outplay a dom and trap them in a cage when they're not careful. And some will even say "well played". Keeping their SELF control. Notice the part where I said SELF.

It's like chaos theory. You can't control chaos itself directly. It's impossible. But what you can control is how you react and respond. Think of it as going with the flow. Just be sure to do it accurately and honestly if you want to mantain that control. Things like whining, sighing and complaining will only serve to lead to losing that control. Can counter argue/debate though. Just be willing to be corrected/proven wrong.

If both peoples judgement can be trusted then it boils down to making it a point to make each other happy (that's a factor beforehand of course. But one thing at a time). Which is leading by example? Just last night I got someone to engage with me as I assured them I'll play along with what they do. And in turn my needs get met. Assurance goes a long way. Thing is one person or the other has to make things aware. It often comes down to who's more observant. Which brings corrections into play. Then we have action and reaction. You CAN do something someone doesn't like (and anyone saying otherwise is a liar). But are you willing to endure the consequences after? And if that isn't known do you fear the unknown or are you willing to face it?

Personally I quite enjoy finding out. Come what may. The trick is in making the best of whatever situation you're in. Which is a good life lesson, let alone a BDSM one. It's choosing to be as positive as possible instead of negative. It's nice when others play along. And I in turn am more then happy to play back in turn. There's no secret trick to it. It's just exactly that. "Play with me and play with you". I mean sure, technical details. But if you don't do things, if you don't take action and make moves, then you're just sitting there telling yourself "Oh, trust issues this. And not feeling it that". Actions make feelings is what I'm saying. Do good, feel good. Muck up? Feedback.

Let's be honest here. A lot of people muck up things like not generalizing and doing feedback. Circles back to corrections.

In a world full of mistrust and fear, with so many people projecting their pasts onto those around them, they forget to play. As they live in fear instead. Sometimes I teach people to overcome their fears (which benifits me). Others flee and never find out what things are really about. But all that have stayed and endured would say the same. That I observe accurately and always speak true. Unless I need correcting of course. I refer more to my observation talent when I sense things like how in control someone is of their anger. I know when people can control or not. That's why you have to do things people don't like at times. Even if they say no. Because if you don't then they remain as the person that lashes out at others. Or lies to themselves. And no one really wants to be that person. Block button is there to be used at any time online. Why haven't you used it yet? Can walk away in real life. Why haven't you done so yet? You have a choice. Something compels you to stay. Or me. And before anyone dares to judge I remind you of choice. Not yours. I don't decide what others do either. All we can do is use incentive. Getting people wanting to stay. Or consider something then what they already know.

And in those answers lies stability. In truth lies honesty. In honesty lies trust.

This brings us to the sticking point for a lot of people. Those that confront, and cowards. Some people don't even try to be understanding. People that make a snap judgement and then never even want to hear anything else to actually know. And people like that dare lecture about trust? Someone can assume they're in control when they don't know enough to even know. Some might call certain doms "fake". Instead I call it all too real, for I know their misplaced fear. And whenever something like that happen, be they dom or sub, I know their ignorance causes them to not be in control. Maybe they think they are. But not really. Not if things are unknown. In finding out and understanding each other things can be resolved. Which in turn leads to fun more easily. Personally speaking I'm often the one having to being up "What don't you know" (winning argument. Leads to understanding). You're wiser when you admit that. That you DON'T know it all. Strangely enough it's a good way to control others. That said, if you know for certain that a situation affects someone, prove it. Think twice before you judge a book by its cover. Many things make more sense in hindsight.

To be more specfic it's about stating the situation as it is. And letting it speak for itself. Without generalizing or assuming. If a situation can't be faulted then it can't be faulted (provided there is no room for doubt). Wherever you like it or not is another matter. What to do about it is another matter. But making things clear keeps choice intact. Or the possability of that even if you don't know what to do yet (again, hindsight). Maybe a person doesn't know what to do at first. Yet learns to adapt better later. Some people might do so quicker. And in this you know you have control. Not of the other person. Not trying to take it or give it. But control of the self. And how to influence events around you. That's all chaos theory is. Chaos theory is an interdisciplinary theory stating that, within the apparent randomness of chaotic complex systems, there are underlying patterns, interconnectedness, constant feedback loops, repetition, self-similarity, fractals, and self-organization. It can seem like it makes no sense.

But if there's one thing I learned it's this. I don't fear chaos. I don't fear the unknown. For in reality it's just misunderstood. I don't need to control chaos or another person. I just need to control my response to the situation. But so too do others control their reactions with what I do (more likely automatic response. Can be easy to confuse the two).

As for who's "better" at it, some people consider the possability and are open minded, and some people are close minded fools not even willing to think outside the box. If complaints and childish bickering is all someone has to offer then they're making excuses to not consider your viewpoint. While I counter argue and state my case I do it in the interest of honesty. So F anyone that complains about it. And those that ask me find out things aren't as they appear to be. I'm basically saying I have an intense loathing for people that speak of trust yet clearly can't handle the truth. It's hypocritical. Nothing boils my blood more then a hypocrite. At least up until the point they can admit that then things go better. I'll be quite in control of myself as I tear down the lies and expose the truth to people like that. If grudges aren't held then it may even quickly move on to fun ASAP.

So the answer to the question of the topic enterly depends on how much bullshit people tell themselves. If a dom has been lying to themselves and making assumptions while a sub is honest and doesn't make that mistake then of course the sub is more in control. If it's the reverse then the dom is more in control.

If both are honest and don't assume inaccurately then I'd consider that a "tie" so to speak. But that's the best part. As the saying goes sometimes stalemate is victory. Keeps the games going if nothing else. It's not about "winning" or "losing". It's about giving it your all. And having a worthy contender.

House Talion​(dom male) • Aug 1, 2021

Essentially the Dom is in charge, but the sub has as much control. Its suposed to be that everything done is done with complete consent. Its suposed to be that the Dom is careful not to go beyond the subs limits. Its suposed to be a symbiotic experience of mutual enjoyment. It's not always whatbits suposed to be.

Sasa​(dom female) • Aug 1, 2021

You are creating a hen egg problem, you know that? Lol

Crow​(dom male) • Aug 1, 2021

Once offered, then accepted, the power lies with the one who accepts.

Withdrawal of consent is a right extended to both parties and can be exercised at any time. That is not how one judges where the power lies.

A Dominant doesn't require a submissive to be a Dominant neither does a submissive require a Dominant to be submissive.

To be submissive to another is different than being a submissive. Similarly to be a Dominant to someone is different than being a Dominant.

These subtle distinctions are often overlooked but if observed closely, clear the confusion.

Patterns/ associations

SageFlame​(sub female) • Aug 1, 2021

No doubt!

So here are my random thoughts this morning around this subject:

We all would like to think that the way we see the world is weighted in truth;
That our perception and belief should be correct.

If someone argues that we have a skewed concept of the matter that they are simply wrong. They haven't taken the time to see *my point of view.

What if. . . there is truth in *all* opinions?

What if . . . there is no way of dissecting the issue so everyone sees the same truth?

I don't know about you but I don't like to be bored. This world would be incredibly boring if it not for differences of opinion.

So I think what I'm getting at is this-

Meeting the challenge of new experiences is what allows us to grow, right? How awesome is that!? Challenging our brains to open up to new ideas and concepts can be an opportunity to make life richer.

I like to take down fences and have fireside chats about stuff like this. Honestly, I wish those reading and never posting would share their thoughts. It would make it more fun.


Sasa - " the hen came before the rooster because the hen lays eggs"