Overly Clingy Sub

Overly Clingy Sub

Mallorei​(sub female) • Aug 18, 2021

I was wondering how people deal with being an overly clingy submissive. I tend to want to spend all my time with my dom. He is the only person I talk to daily as I don’t have a lot of friends and he is almost like my best friend. The only issue is he is the opposite of me, he has tons of friends, he talks to many people daily, and to him, I am not his best friend. He goes out and does things and I am more of a homebody. When he goes I often feel sad and lonely. I find myself waiting for him to text me or call me. It makes things really hard. My clinginess has caused a few issues in the past, which I never wanted. Sometimes deep inside I wonder if we are not cut out for each other because of this. I don’t want to spend my life feeling like this. I’ve tried making other friends or doing things to distract myself but in the end I feel frustrated and even worse. I’m not sure what to do.

Sasa​(dom female) • Aug 18, 2021

It is ok to be a homebody. Some are some not. I can't tell you what to do, but you could check one thing, please. Is what you feel a constant up and down? Is your partner making you feel seen and loved and then unheard and left alone? Sometimes an unstable connection creates an intensity that we think is love. When the brain switches continuously from releasing the bonding hormone (oxytocin) to the stress hormone (cortisol), a high is created. Intensity isn’t love, even when we see that in movies.

When you feel anxious or lonely and they reconnect with you and calm the pain it gives you a powerful high. As crazy as this may seem, it is very common. This is an addiction, not love.

Sometimes we pick the wrong people, but the right person knows how to reassure you all is ok and will make you feel safe with them. In this case, you could try to be happy for them and hear their stories later. Go out with him, meet his friends. If you are together you are part of his extended family. If he is your best friend it is enough. Don't try to be as important ... you are when he is the right one and please don't believe all you think. Check the facts first before you start to have a meltdown.

Cressida Clytie​(masochist female){Taken} • Aug 18, 2021

I couldn't agree more with Sasa.

Miki​(masochist female) • Aug 18, 2021

Sometimes people are just inclined to be "clingy". They're affectionate, caring, loving yet needy. It's not a bad character flaw, but to try and mitigate some of that try being out and about. I know you said you have tried this to no avail, all I can think of is you might not have tried the right thing. Best you can do is just keep trying. There has to be something you can find really interesting.

Yeah, easier said than done but that's my input. I can't help too much because I'm the opposite extreme.

I seldom want anyone around for too long. I'm a loner and do my own thing.

Somewhere there's a happy medium

ButterfliesAndCuffs​(sub female) • Aug 18, 2021

This sounds like codependency to me. I think you need to work on loving yourself and enjoying your own company. Find a hobby you’re passionate about. I wish I could tell you there’s a quick fix. When I was going through a period of loneliness, I would date myself. I treated myself so well it’s going to take quite a man to replace me. 😆

House Talion​(dom male) • Aug 18, 2021

My wife/sub and I have a similar situation which is clearly defined. Shes an introvert and I'm an extrovert. She spends most of her time online with her political groups. Maybe you could find groups online for your interests

Bunnie • Aug 18, 2021

If you’re receiving the intimacy (connection) you crave when you’re both together, then that is enough to sustain you when you’re not.
If you’re not receiving the intimacy (connection) you crave when you’re both together, then the gap between you feels even greater when you’re not.

My experience with this in my marriage was twofold. Yes, my (ex)husband was unable to meet the level of intimacy (connection) I craved, however… (this is where it gets tricky to explain, because this is all hindsight)… on some level, I chose our relationship because it was emotionally “safe” for me. Our inability to connect on a deep level… or our lack of desire to initially, meant that I could be in a relationship that was comfortable for the level of which I was willing to be vulnerable.

When I ended things, it was easy for me to say that he wasn’t giving me what I needed. What took me a long time, however, was to own the fact that I hadn’t particularly made myself very open to the connection I was craving. I eventually came to realise I wanted it (therefore changing our original unspoken “agreement” in regards to level of intimacy), but didn’t in a million years (at that time) realise the *self-work* I would need to do in order to be able to receive (and give) the level of intimacy I began craving.

The difficult part about all of this is the old chicken vs egg question… would I have been able to learn how to form that connection with him whilst being in that relationship, or was it necessary to leave in order to be able to actually experience what was needed to learn those things? Of course, I’ll never know… this is what we have to determine for ourselves. The main point being in all of this though, is that it will require a much bigger amount of work from *both* of you to dig deep enough to find the truth of what’s going on under the surface, and to face it and address the things there, than perhaps it seems, looking at the surface level of “clinginess.”

RedKat{Not now } • Aug 18, 2021

Very well said Bunnie and I understand...

Purple Freesia • Aug 19, 2021

I find myself at times clingy; in those times I keep a journal with notes titled - 'the things I would say, want to hear and do if we were together'. Sometimes I send the words, sometimes I don't - all in all it helps keep the anxiousness of feeling alone to a quiet murmur....

M

ThisIsTheWay​(dom male) • Aug 19, 2021

I find myself a bit clingy too, I dont have a lot of friends, actually I dont really have any, so I notice I resort to spending all my time and energy with my significant other or alone with my dogs, (currently single and working on myself)
writing helps, also being alone sometimes helps but not always,,
being a introvert is hard, and finding an introvert that I connect with for a relationship / Bdsm / life partner makes everything so much harder.