Vetting.

Vetting.

Mia Lynn • Sep 1, 2021

I am an admin for a bdsm group and I’m curious what is a important question you ask when vetting someone. I’d like to hear from different people what that is and see how the answers vary. Thanks.

SubtleHush​(sub female) • Sep 1, 2021

Questions are good and unavoidable. However, the one sidestepping your vet process will probably lie. Just as some people are good at interviews even with fake resumes, troublesome people who bounce from group to group when thrown out of many can also be good at this.

Some of the private groups I've been in have common approaches:

-The organizer meets the person or persons privately. Hopefully, this person has a good instinct and can spot the too good to be true variety.

- Then the person must attend 3 events in a row or close together.

- Once they ask to join, a private email goes out to the members asking for feedback or firsthand knowledge of this person that might prevent membership. Those responses must be specific. There is no second-hand or third-hand information unless you are well-known to the organizer. Not a friend or pal, but someone with a lot of knowledge about different social groups. Then your feedback might matter.

- If the applicant doesn't ask to join, they cannot keep coming back.

- Also, a good idea for the organizer to have real info on its members, real names, and id. Large weekend events in the states do this. You check in with your driver's license and they run your name through a criminal database.

- Rules of the group including public behavior are issued to every member, so places make you sign off on them. Then if someone breaks a rule, it is incumbent on the organizer to enforce the rules and have them removed from the munch, event, whatever.

- There are also private organizer email lists in the states where the organizers of events share information with each other. So if someone creates a big problem within one group the organizers might share that name to protect other groups from the same issues. This isn't the one mistake variety. This is about big issues that the person might cause. Liker illegal behavior or accosting vanillas at the event hotel or other attendees.

- you could also reach out to other like-type events for advice from those organizers.

Hope it helps.

H*

Miki • Sep 1, 2021

Ask away, gauge the answers but more importantly if this is some high end exclusive group, "interview" them in a video chat.

Then do more than just ask questions and weigh answers, watch how they act.. Listen to the tone of voice, etc. If it's an ordinary group, then just ask something general... and even off the wall, unrelated to BDSM..

That's the best I can do for suggestions. Personally either online or in real life I don't do clubs or selective groups at all....

Why? As the famous line goes from long, long ago, I think it was a character from a very early TV comedy production.

"I would never join a club that would have me as a member."


Rock on!

SubtleHush​(sub female) • Sep 1, 2021

Miki Grouch Marx said that in response to an anti-Semitic country club near him who invited him to join based on his celebrity not his faith.

Unfortunately the way the social scene is going and the increasing amount of issues groups are having pretty much demands some level of vetting.

In my opinion if you value your membership and attendees it’s your job to make sure you run your group properly by keeping your people safe.

but your mileage may vary

House Talion​(dom male) • Sep 1, 2021

Depends on the reason for the vetting. As an admin for a bdsm group if vetting for new members it's good to question their knowledge, understanding, and experience based within the group criteria.

MissBonnie​(dom female){oz} • Sep 2, 2021

IMO and "adding" to good ideas above, Vetting doesn't keep people safe, it makes things a little safe'r'
We all need to keep that in our heads!
Safer is better, than nothing at all.
Nothing is dangerous for ALL concerned.

Although you (generalizing here) vet, people will still be hurt in one way or another as we all desire and place differing levels of trust into individuals.
I always worry how many leave common sense at the door in, when trusting in Admin staffing, when they say "this group is well vetted" it creates a false level of safety for newbies. NOTHING we do is safe, we can only make things SAFE(R)

Also, Often personality can trump (to quote Talion) knowledge, understanding, and experience based within the group criteria (sad but true).
I've attended a lot of events etc where so very large life personalities are cited as "experienced/knowledgeable and vetted" to have it later explode.
I just hope as well as selling/advertising a well vetted group that its also promoted, that people need to do their own due diligence
(Wow that reads like a whine no matter how I phase it, not my intention. I am all for vetting for a safer community as a whole)

SubtleHush​(sub female) • Sep 2, 2021

MissBonnie​(dom female){oz}

"IMO and "adding" to good ideas above, Vetting doesn't keep people safe, it makes things a little safe'r'
We all need to keep that in our heads!"

...........................

So very true and well said.

You reminded me of this new person I encountered at a meeting. we were talking about an upcoming large event and she said she couldn't go because the organizers wouldn't assure her of an emergency contingency. In other words, she said, if she took a stranger to her room and that stranger hurt her the organizers of the event wouldn't step in to punish them.

So I looked at her and asked, "So if you took a stranger to your room and he raped, beat, or murdered you, would you be less raped, beaten, or murdered if some event organizer threw them out of the event?"

While such a scenario is more serious than throwing the person out of the event, it's the prevailing attitude that shook me. I deal with over 600 tenants at work and now and then someone rolls up with this attitude of "I'm months behind in my rent because YOU didn't babysit me."

My response is always the same. "I believe in fully functioning adults. If you don't know what you should and should not be doing, then don't engage in that activity or commitment."

I believe in organizers being prudent in order to provide as safe an event as possible. But I don't believe in babysitting adults. Vetting is as much, if not more, about keeping that event credible and respectable as it is aiding your attendees in staying safe.

And you will meet people who always make bad choices, thus getting themselves hurt. So consider that in your vetting formula. They are usually people who will blame you for their mistakes.

Taramafor​(sub male) • Sep 3, 2021

It's very simple. No matter what anyone says to me when they stick to their guns and act like they know I ask only one simple question. And it's always gotten results.

"What don't you know?"

Seriously, if someone is going "This is my preference" I will challenge it with "But it was never with my/our context". In other words I do things very differently then others.

All that worrying was nothing more then past projections from past expreinces. But others aren't me. And you're not others either. So I won't assume what's going to be fun or not one way or the other until I see you in action.

It's a matter of context. "How" things are done. Add some "Give and give".

Talked somoene into seeing to all of my needs doing that. And they're happy too. Despite having every concern under the sun beforehand. People that worry/assume are doing exactly that (this is also how I know anyone saying they can only trust themselves is full of it). I for one refuse to live in fear. And I don't think you'd want too either. So I will challenge every opinion I find flawed. This person did not complain about conflict or being challenged. They simply sought to understand me.

I don't let assumptions and lies stand. Honesty factor. It's a nice break when someone logical can work with me. Anyone using "should" logic is doing it wrong. Reality is reality.