What it's like for Dommes

What it's like for Dommes

event horizon{NotLooking} • Mar 18, 2022

I find myself repeatedly frustrated by what I've had to deal with as a Dominant woman seeking a submissive, or even just existing as a Domme. I am routinely sent messages (not just on thecage, other platforms as well) that either consist of sexual harassment, indecent exposure, subs (and occasionally other Dominants wanting to submit) vomiting their kinks at me without preface (sometimes in really disgusting detail), breaking my rules for contact (clearly laid out in my profile), or some other method of disrespecting me. Some even assume that disrespect is a compliment, like a Dom who recently thought I'd be flattered by his fetishization of my bisexuality and his assumption that I'd bring another woman into the bedroom with us.

It would seem that merely existing as the powerful women (or femme-presenting NBs) that we are, or especially existing *and* looking for a sub/slave, means that we should expect routine sexual or otherwise classified harassment. My perception so far is that we are all supposed to just laugh it off, not talk about it, and act like it's no big deal.

I EMPHATICALLY disagree, and I think 2 things should be happening. 1: we should be talking about it more, and 2: subs/slaves seeking Dominants need to do better, and ESPECIALLY the cis men since they're the ones I've witnessed being especially gross. I've rarely had any issues with women who've contacted me.

SO... let's talk about it, Dommes. What frustrates you about being pursued as a Domme? If you're open to more than one gender, do you also have more problems with cis men than others? How can the s-types who contact you do better?

Steellover​(sub male) • Mar 19, 2022

I think, sadly, this is a common flaw from newbie submissive males who are new to the lifestyle, and who are overwhelmed with these new-found powerful feelings and want an outlet for them, but at the same time, fail to realize that first and foremost it's all about the connection to the individual person, Just like on any vanilla dating site. They simply lose sight of that fact and throw basic manners, common sense, and decency to the wind.

event horizon{NotLooking} • Mar 19, 2022

I agree that it is often noob male subs who do this, and you're right about why, but maybe a smaller percentage of noobs than you might think. I've had this happen with subs and Dominants who've been around long enough to know better. Not even just kink sites/apps either, I get similarly gross/stupid/aggressive/etc messages from dudes on vanilla dating apps too lol.

It is my working theory that this is largely a societal problem. I kinda feel bad for the good/decent guys who do exist, because soooooooooooo many dudes are out there just decimating the reputation for their gender. The whole 'boys will be boys' mentality has been used for so long that these guys grew up thinking they were just entitled to do whatever they want, including being gross to women, and if anyone attempts to call them on their behavior, that person is clearly wrong and will be removed from the shitty guy's social circle. So he'll then be surrounded only by women/nb people who begrudgingly put up with his shit or laugh it off uncomfortably, and men who are just like him and affirm his confidence in his own shitty behavior. I believe this kinda stuff is at the root of this problem, and it will not be rectified until these guys start to see real consequences and understand why their behavior is so horrible. I'd say noob male subs also need to be better educated, but I don't really know how to facilitate such a thing without overly burdening someone else with training them. I don't believe the shitty noob subs will be seeking out any proper information in the beginning. They're just going to act entitled and horny like they always have, but as you said, now they're excited about this new thing so they're AGGRESSIVELY horny and entitled.

I, for one, will continue to call them on their bullshit.

Miss T{Makto} • Mar 19, 2022

This is a great topic.
What frustrates me....
A) being treated as a kink dispenser, contacted with a list of "I want"
Well surprise! Wants never gets!

B) sheer disrespect of me as a person. By having no interest as me as a person, but a personal idea of a Domme

C) all of the facts Ocean so kindly listed.
It gets frustrating, seeking anything online, and has made me give up on that venue and focus on the local scene and munches, now that they are finally restarting again.
Forming a dynamic isn't easy. And finding someone who fits well.
Pure spam received online, made me stop reading and responding messages. Possibly missing some really good people.

T

Miki​(masochist female) • Mar 19, 2022

***** Not a dominant (nor a sub) but I'll chip in anyway*****

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It sounds like it's the same for me as it is for dommes as I'm one of the few women on here who is unattached.

Abundant dick-pics, suggestive talk or commentary-- the whole bit--

I've become immune to dick pics and worse. Seen one, seen 'em all. But beyond those, I routinely tell all that I'm not looking and some guy or other invariably tries to "fix" me.

Same on other platforms, including "vanilla" ones.

I'm not going to fault these dudes for trying... It seems to be how guys are wired-- but those who can't take "no" for an answer soon get a "Thanks, but no thanks: Take care, see ya round" from me and that's it. (I loathe ghosting and ghosters, so I'll always communcicate "bye-bye" before not responding further. )

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So, my "chipping in" is: (although likely not very helpful) "I feel ya" -- and I acknowledge it must be more difficult for dommes not only because you all seem to be stereotyped by too many, but also, since there are far more sub-males and sub females than dommes - there are so many more "opportunities" to be hit-on, and if it helps, you're not alone.

Best of luck you you girls!

event horizon{NotLooking} • Mar 19, 2022

I'm nearing that conclusion myself. Already took down my personal ad and put NotLooking as my tag again to try to cut back on some of that bullshit lol. Problem for me is that the only things happening here are munches and play parties, and I don't really care for either one. I like structured discussions with topics and such, but nobody here does those, and I don't like hosting lol. I may have to just suck it up and go be bored at a munch some time, just to meet people.

I feel you though, it's sad that we can't even exist in these spaces without being harassed in some way or another, and that such things force us to exclude anything on the interwebs as a potential medium for meeting other kinky people. You'd think being exposed to more people in more places would increase your odds of success, but really it only increases the frequency of disappointment lol. Why be bored by one person at a munch when you can be shocked, disgusted, and appalled by 1,000 of them online?

event horizon{NotLooking} • Mar 19, 2022

I appreciate your sympathy, lol. I don't think any of us should have to become immune to harassment and indecent exposure just because we exist and have tits, though. In my mind, the men who send unsolicited dick pics should be in jail for indecent exposure. I don't see how it's any different than a guy pulling his dick out in a restaurant or whatever at the beginning of a real life date. Or like, anywhere/any situation where it is unwanted. It's the same thing, to me. They should be shamed by their peers and thrown in jail for what should be considered a crime. If I can prove someone forced their genitalia on me without my permission in any way, I should be able to press charges against that person.

Sasa​(dom female) • Mar 20, 2022

I'm tired of being objectivated as a domme. I'm a woman and have tons of needs. If all the Vanilla parts of a relationship don't work, the D/s layer can't help it... It is senseless.

I am tired of older married men, who are all suddenly into submission cause they need a little spice for their leaving libido. None of them want dommes for more than being the little dirty secret.

I laugh getting long kink wish lists and letters of no-limit Newbies who think they are into extremes make me sadly shake my head. I don't even answer anymore. I did until I understood that some are into rejection and use others as a kink dispenser.

I am tired of opinionated doms who explain the world to me after only having one online relationship as an experience and telling us we sit on a high horse. They can tell everyone that they are masters since the beginning of the time, for me, they are just little humans like anybody else.

Respect is a problem but usually, we all earn it. It is simply difficult to find a person. Vanilla ponds are as overcrowded with married cheaters as this world here.

Amen

Miss T{Makto} • Mar 20, 2022

Seems that most Lifestyle Dommes are having the same experience.
And yes.
Married , committed, in a relationship men are definitely a group that prevails.

It's sad, because sometimes in all that pile of behavior that is absolutely opposite from what BDSM should be, we end up generalizing, and the good ones get labeled the same as others, pass unnoticed and get disappointed.
There are still some (rare) true submissives out there. But finding a needle in a haystack isn't easy.

event horizon{NotLooking} • Mar 20, 2022

I feel that. I had a thing with *a* married sub once because he promised his wife was informed and okay with it, but it turned out to be a complete lie. I was never interested in married men before him, but I certainly won't be breaking that rule again.

I have had a similar thought about the rejection kink. A lot of them probably do have that and just want to force their kink on a Domme by being as disgusting and offensive as they can. I guess the best we can do is block & report them.