I was a professional dominatrix- an AMA

I was a professional dominatrix- an AMA

evergrey​(sub female){Ashigeru} • Dec 18, 2017

Hey there!
Just for fun, if people are curious about anything, long ago I worked as a pro domme. I worked in two different Houses.
Is there anything you've ever wanted to know about professional dominatrixes?
Ask me anything, and I'll try to answer as best I can. I have some stories I can tell, too.

Jacqueline​(sub male){love to be} • Dec 18, 2017

cool , been to a couple my self. did you ever have clients who saw you on a regular basis to get whipped ?

Why did you quit ?

sugarella • Dec 18, 2017

What were your responsibilities towards the clients regarding emotional/physical aftercare?

What was your favorite thing about being a professional domme? Least favorite?

evergrey​(sub female){Ashigeru} • Dec 18, 2017

1. "Did you ever have clients who saw you on a regular basis to get whipped?"

Not single-tail whipped. I never did master that particular toy- it has a steep learning curve, and most clients of pro dommes in the Houses around here didn't want something so hardcore. I did have some who came in for flogging, however!

2. "Why did you quit?"

It was a variety of things.

At the first house, I had to drive for an hour and a half just to get there, wasn't getting enough clients to pay for all the time I was there, but MOST of all, the owner of that house was skeevy and unprofessional, and one of the other pro dommes was on drugs, was seeing CLIENTS on drugs, bit me in the face, tried to sell me to her drug dealer, and they wouldn't fire her because she brought in a lot of money. Classy, eh?

At the last House, I fell down the stairs leading to the ladie's lounge and was injured, and I already had a chronic back injury. The biggest reason, however, was that I just wasn't making enough money. I had more skills than most of the other women working there, but I was older, and what people politely call a "BBW." Most of the local clients wanted very slender, very young women to fuck them with a strapon. I didn't do strapon (it is legally prostitution, and not a line I was willing to cross for myself, though I have no problem with people who do because they want to,) and I was not the body type and age that brought in clients in that particular house. I ended up doing a lot of secretarial work and cleaning chores and either getting nothing for being there all day, or, if I was lucky, a $20 tip-out from one of the ladies who did get a bunch of clients.

The prices on the Houses around here are lower than pro dommes who go solo, but the House also takes half of that money, as well. I loved the ladies I worked with, but some months I was lucky to make $180 total.

3. "What were your responsibilities towards the clients regarding emotional/physical aftercare?"

Formally, pretty much none, though aftercare was encouraged.
Personally, however, I always offered aftercare. Quite a few sessions involved play for the first half, and then cuddling/talking for the second. I always checked limbs during any sort of bondage or restraint scene, and rubbed extremities after. Except their cocks, hah. They were on their own for that! A lot of men needed to talk about their kink, how they discovered it, and ask for reassurance, because a lot of them had a lot of shame around being kinky. Sometimes some pretty heavy shit would come up for them during play, and we'd talk through that together, also. For the men who were in deep distress over their kink or something that came up, I always recommended a kink-friendly mental health professional, but often they didn't feel comfortable even going to one, so I would play the role of therapist as best I could. If they were diabetic or the like, I'd make sure they had something to stabilize their blood sugar. There was no contact after they left the scene, which I always found to be unfortunate, since in my private life I feel it's important to check in a day or two after a scene to see how the sub is doing.
Aftercare is important in D/s, and while a lot of the ladies working there who weren't in the lifestyle maybe didn't understand that, we all knew that happy clients could be return clients, so it was good business, too.

4. My favorite thing about being a pro domme probably ties back to me being something of a service sub, really, haha! I came to each client with the philosophy that everyone has something in them worthy of love. My favorite thing was feeling that I helped make someone's life better. Gave them some peace and joy, some catharsis and balance. I always low-grade felt like maybe sex workers could save the world someday. I didn't offer sex, but pro domming is a part of the sex industry. Seeing someone walk in stressed as hell and anxious, and walk out happy, relaxed, and ready to face the world again was deeply satisfying.

After that, doing a really fun, creative scene or giving a really nasty sadistic beating. I have a sadistic hell-beast streak in me that I didn't get to indulge a whole lot as a pro domme, but when I DID, it was... delicious.

Least favorite- boundary-pushing men, trying to manipulate and pressure me into sex or subbing to them. That, or all the times I was playing the role of "secretary" on the phone and suggesting myself because I was the only one on shift with the specific skillset the potential client was requesting, only to hear, "oh I don't want HER, she's TOO FAT." The constant rejection was a real hit to my self-confidence. Working for weeks and getting no clients sucked.

sugarella • Dec 18, 2017

I really think so too. With the right safeguards in place I feel like it could be an immensely beneficial form of therapy like any other.

It's awful of the house to not at least pay for your secretarial and cleaning hours!

What's the biggest misconception people have about pro domming?

Miki • Dec 18, 2017

I was about to ask the same thing (misconceptions) (Depositing two cents here) --But as an un-owned Sub, when I first came on here, well, the answer probably is the same on either end of the crop, as it were.

Either doms as in here (not all of them of course) or subs who go to dom houses, there almost always seems to be a sexual-contact expectation but where money is involved, that crosses a line.

Again, no one asked ME-- just in my 3 cents. (inflation)

* * *

Speaking strictly for myself, I wouldn't go to such places because for me there is a sexual component and when it's free it's not illegal.

* * *

Not a question so much as a comment, I am sorry you ran into "body-shape discrimination. I find all body shapes in women to be very attractive, yet since I am very slight of build I favored so-called "BBW"s. They're Definitely "All Woman!"

evergrey​(sub female){Ashigeru} • Dec 19, 2017

The biggest misconception? That's a hard one! I'll throw a few out.

1. That all pro dommes have sex with their clients. Some do, either PiV/ hand jobs/ or blowjobs, but that's relatively rare, at least in the Bay Area. Most clearly state "no sex or sexual contact." A lot more do strapon, which IS sex, and IS prostitution in the eyes of the law. But most do not have other kinds of sex with clients.

2. That the way we were in a session was the way we were during the rest of our lives. What I sold was a fantasy, custom designed to fit into my client's desires. I'm a sub in my private life! I don't run around in makeup and high heels, either. Usually between sessions we'd all be downstairs on the couches, wearing sweats and watching "This is Spinal Tap."

3. That we're all wealthy living in mansions full of burning candles and shit. Haha, nope.

4. That everyone who is a pro domme is really experienced in the lifestyle. A lot of the ones in the Houses were just pretty young women who wanted easy money, and weren't into kink at all.

5. That no one who works as a professional dom or sub is a "real" lifestyler. This one comes from the lifestyle community. There's a fair amount of flack dished out towards pro dommes. The concepts of "real" and "true" are full of a lot of shit, too, but I was in the lifestyle and the community before, during, and after being a pro domme.

6. That pro dommes are really harsh, mean, scary women who hate men. No, absolutely not! I will say that sexworker burnout is real, and sometimes after dealing with crappy pushy men who don't clean their butts well enough for a long period of time, one can grow a bit wary and weary of men in general. But one can also come to love men more deeply before, after having learned their vulnerable sides, and been gifted with their trust.

event horizon{NotLooking} • Dec 19, 2017

This is so interesting!

I know that typically, sexual contact is off the table for pro Dommes. But I'm curious (within those bounds), did you ever get men who orgasmed somehow anyway? Do they get reprimanded for it if it happens?

Is it ever uncomfortable? Did you get nervous? I don't think I have the mindset to be a pro Domme myself, I'd be far too uncomfortable playing with people I didn't know.. but I greatly admire people who can do it.

I'm sure I could come up with a million more questions, but I'll leave it at those for now.

evergrey​(sub female){Ashigeru} • Dec 19, 2017

1. I know that typically, sexual contact is off the table for pro Dommes. But I'm curious (within those bounds), did you ever get men who orgasmed somehow anyway? Do they get reprimanded for it if it happens?

I wouldn't touch them, but in both houses, they were allowed to "self-release" with a condom on. They got reprimanded if they wanted to be, but I don't think any of my clients did- usually after they came, they didn't want to play any more. Once the horniness was gone, for the ones for whom it was sexual, the headspace and desire to sub was gone, too.
They sure the fuck got reprimanded if they snuck the condom off, though, and told they wouldn't be allowed back if they ever did it again. Sometimes, they just weren't allowed back. Biohazard containment is serious business! Nobody wants to step on your cum, dude!

2. Is it ever uncomfortable? Did you get nervous?

Oh absolutely. I had sessions where the things they wanted made me uncomfortable (but not enough to stop the session) that I had to try to overcome. Like, people wanting racial humiliation. (I had a lot of clients from India. It's a thing.) People wanting incest type roleplay of any kind. Infantilism. I just had to remind myself that this was something that was positive and empowering for them, or nurturing for their psyche in some way, and that it was all roleplay.
Nervous- I got stage fright just about every single time, before the session started! I would get SO stressed out, worried I wouldn't be able to get my head into the right place, or create an effective space. Once I got started, though, somehow I was always able to get myself there, and things would usually go just fine. It was 1 part skill, 1 part unlicensed therapist, and 1 part acting.

Lysistrata​(sadist female) • Dec 19, 2017

My mentor is a BBW proDomme and she experienced much of the same at the beginning but going solo with her own site changed everything. There are a lot of people out there both seeking BBW specifically or who don't give a fuck but are seeking the right Domme with the right experience. evergrey, it sounds like you are done with that work and happy with being done, but I just wanted to throw that out there as a nugget of faith in humanity. For my mentor, this was an issue that almost caused her to quite at the very beginning, but it was being on the internet and really having all of her info and personality and most specific specialties laid out instead of attached to a place that non-lifestyle tourists and lonely travelers wander into that made all the difference.

If this isn't too personal a question, do you identify completely as a sub in your personal life? Were you a lifestyle Domme or switch when you started as a pro?