Advice/insights for new bottom(sub?) overwhelmed by emotions

Advice/insights for new bottom(sub?) overwhelmed by emotions

RiverT{Not lookin} • Sep 1, 2022

Hello you lovely people!
I'm new to the site and also to BDSM. I'd very much appreciate some insight or advice - I barely dipped my toes into this and am already lost, like a kid trying to figure out their emotions and sexuality in sixth grade, it's really embarrassing.

I have had just some play sessions, both topping and bottoming, with a man I've been casually vanilla dating (we're not in love or really planning anything serious). Usual stuff, light bondage, spankings, some ordering around, and it was all fun, but not *enough* - until he finally relaxed and dared to try more.
I've always been turned on by pain and domination, and in this sesh he's beaten me until I almost had to ask to stop, and he was quite caring and tender (just not physically obvsly). I felt like I was His (and normally I feel icky about this capitalization I see in kink writing). The feeling stayed throughout the next day, I was just stupidly floating in this feeling of loving Him as my owner. I don't know why I remained in that headspace, as it is a complete shift in consciousness - is this a normal thing after an intense playtime? (Even though we're not in a D/s dynamic, nor in love?)

I only broke out of that the next day when we met - actually I got kicked out of that state, by being treated as a vanilla partner as usually (he's just not very on the dom side, and he wasn't immersed apparently). And this sucked like you wouldn't believe it. I got both frustrated, and I felt like people who get suddenly dumped from a loving relationship feel. Like he saw and held me intimately, only to drop me the next day. The whole experience was just way more intense than I thought any of it could be, and it got me hurt, and just ewww confusing.
I had been very stressed lately, having to be on top of life going sideways. Plus I've got a deeply rooted feeling of being unwanted from my previous vanilla relationship (I was in love with a man who just couldn't give me what I wanted in sex), and that feeling broke out from somewhere deep under. But I still don't get why all of this was so intense, it really caught me by surprise, and I'm struggling to understand it.

So any thoughts, or similar experiences which would help me understand this, would be helpful.
And I'd like to know how did you submissives know, or figure out, whether you're just a sub in the bedroom or do you need more?

SirsBabyDoll​(sub female){Pizza+☕} • Sep 1, 2022

River,

What you experienced (that kicked out/rejected feeling) sound alike Sub-drop to me. Yes, it sucks. Yes, it happens. YES! It's a normal reaction.

Just like runners get a "runners high" after running, we too get a "high". It's called Sub-Space (that floaty feeling you had though everyone experiences it differently). It's a wonderful feeling and it seems like it's treated like a goal, the "golden ring" of BDSM.

There are ways to combat the sub-drop and for everyone, that is also different. For ME, it means either researching something deeply (if the high was from mental stimulation) or I do something intensely physical (if the high was from sexual pursuits).

Have grace on yourself and also do self-care. Treat yourself tenderly and talk to people about your feelings and what you think you need (preferably your man).

It takes.time.but the feeling WILL pass...it just takes time.

Welcome to the sub-club!

ButterfliesAndCuffs​(sub female) • Sep 1, 2022

Hi there and welcome to the site. I agree with SBD that it sounds like you went through sub drop. My understanding is that some of the things that we do in BDSM causes chemical reactions in our brains that make us feel more connected to our partners or even euphoric. Coming down from that can be crushing. Ideally your Dom would be there to reassure you and help you through it.

It’s been a while since I’ve dealt with it, but after a visit, when my Sir and I were long distance and I didn’t know when we would see each other again, the sub drop hit me hard.

As far as how I knew that I needed more than just in the bedroom D/s, I couldn’t tell you the exact moment. There have been all kinds of things I’ve discovered about myself when I decided to explore my submission.

LongerJohnny​(dom male) • Sep 1, 2022

Good to have you here RiverT.
This was a good place to come to ask your question, as there are a lot of people here who have been exactly where you are now.

I agree that what you are talking about sounds like a fairly typical example of sub-space, and yes for many it is not only normal, it is predictable. In fact, "floating" is a word that I've heard or read many times as a way to describe it. As mentioned, for some it is considered to be the whole point of why we all do all the cool weirdo shit that we love to do. Often when I take my sub there I experience my own intoxicating version of that (yes, Dom-space is a thing.)
But when you are done floating, that's when the drop happens.

As SBD said, the highs and the lows are different for everyone but generally speaking, the deeper the subspace, the harder the drop. So the best thing you can do for your self is find what thing(s) you need to find comfort and peace while you come back down, ideally with someone who can do them with you or for you. If you are unfamiliar with aftercare then you absolutely must research that.

So my advice would be that for now, since you have experienced both sub-space and drop, you may want to be more aware of how far you are going with someone who you are only "casually vanilla dating" and not planning "anything serious" with. Drop can be no fun even when you have someone there who really cares for you. As you've unfortunately come to find out, it is awful to experience alone.

btw, you don't hear about it as often but we Doms experience drop as well. Just as it happened with my own dear sub ButterfliesAndCuffs, when we were unsure how long it would be until we would see each next I dropped hard.

Good luck.

SirsBabyDoll​(sub female){Pizza+☕} • Sep 1, 2022

Yeah, it sucks when you are alone. I've had to deal with it alone too many times.

RestrainedJane • Sep 2, 2022

Hi RiverT. I am also a newbie to BDSM and went through a very similar experience back in July when I was in CA. On Bumble, I matched with a nice looking man my age who said he had a "few kinks" on his profile. I couldn't shut down my curiosity (probably because I have always had fantasies about being tied up or held down) and asked "What kinks?" in my first message. uh boy. It was off-to-the-races for me from there -- 3-plus days of one of the most intense experiences of my life. Like you, I experienced very bad drop upon returning home to MD and the CA guy , who turned out to be a very good person, even talked me through it over the phone by giving me tasks (some quite kinky) to pull me away from sinking deeper into a bad headspace. My understanding is that drop is a little like withdrawl. Our bodies responded to painful simuli by pumping out endorphins which made us float; when that stopped, we dropped.

Since joining The Cage, I've met a few other people who have been really great about helping me to understand who I am BDSM-wise better, as well as how to proceed safely -- one great guy I even met in person recently. We decided we weren't a good match for D/s, but that we should stay friends for life.

So here's my advice -- newbie to newbie. Hang out on here and get to know some people, subs and Doms, who you can tell have your best interests at heart. I'm finding The Cage to be a really great place to learn and possibly even meet someone I can have a long-term romantic relationship with, but I'm trying to take my time about it since it is all still very overwhelming. From what I can tell, it may take months or longer to figure out what we like and if you want power exchange to extend beyond the bedroom in any way. Finally, remember to take Maya Angelou's advice: "When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time." Just listen to your gut and walk away from anyone who makes you feel bad, unsafe, or uncared for. If we expect the best, I bet we will get it. Don't you agree? Happy trails!

Jane

SirsBabyDoll​(sub female){Pizza+☕} • Sep 2, 2022

Yup! Just like withdrawal (except you don't realize its the D/t's...or would that be the D/s's??


Btw, I know where you live (not the street but the town...lol!)! I live up 270! We are less than an hour away from each other!


Since joining The Cage, I've met a few other people who have been really great about helping me to understand who I am BDSM-wise better, as well as how to proceed safely -- one great guy I even met in person recently. We decided we weren't a good match for D/s, but that we should stay friends for life.



That goes for subs as well as Dom's. Not everyone is going to be authentic and trustworthy. We.habe our scum-of-the-earth here too. Just make sure you keep those high expectations of treatment.

House Talion​(dom male) • Sep 2, 2022

Major sub-drop. It's not always so emotional, but when it is it's that much worse to deal with since even after you're beyond the drop you still feel the residual effe t of those emotions.

Gotta admit, bu what you said it sounds like you're certainly more submisive than dominant. It's easy to test that theory by having the same great time as before, but with you as the Domme. Then back to the next day being treated as vanilla to see if you have the same emotional responses, Domme-drop.

When you're new it's good to experiment back and forth till you know exactly what you are and even then it's possible you could be a switch, but as you've said from the sub-drop I'd cpnude that if you are a switch you're probably primarily submisive.
Don't take it to heart either way as there nothing wrong with you by whatever you find out about yourself

RiverT{Not lookin} • Sep 2, 2022

Thank you all so much for your responses!
I've read a while ago about subspace and drop, but didn't connect the dots - based on what I've seen written about it, subspace sounded like being on mushrooms for a few hours (as opposed to feeling in love and all subby about it for like 24hrs). And I had the idea that a subdrop is a low happening automatic and independently of the other person; whereas I've had emotional responses TO the other person - just very extreme ones; like
"oh he's not into this dom role today at all" ---> "I NEED him to be, why is he being a selfish lover, does he even care" --->
"I feel rejected like yesterdays trash; he might as well have dumped me at the altar" ---> "I'll never be accepted or cared for by anyone, cry"

I'm feeling OK now (few weeks later), just trying to figure it all out. And having a label put on it really helped me stop thinking I was crazy, thanks

If feeling all immersed in sub role and in love/adoring the dom is a mental space you need to safely 'come down' to reality from, how do people do it? Because I feel like I would just stayed like that, had my partner continued the roleplay. In order to not feel ditched, I needed him to love me as his property (which is weird because I'm not truly in love, just brain doing tricks) - but if he had done that, I think I'd just stay all gooey in a sub role. Forever? Idk. That's why I asked how do subs know if they need more than just bedroom-kink, I wasn't planning to jump head on into anything serious

I'mME • Sep 3, 2022

@RiverT,
All good advice. You should make sure to either attend some BDSM 101 classes , read articles, read forum questions, whether they are open or not.

Aftercare is a word you may want to pay attention to, what your aftercare looks like, what you require after play.