Looking for advice from doms and subs

Looking for advice from doms and subs

FayeAce​(sub female) • Sep 23, 2020

Hello,

I recently joined this website and have chatted with a few people and want to get some advice from others that are experienced in the lifestyle. This will be a long post so please bare with me! Hopefully it’s ok to ask about this on here.

I am 100% a beginner and don’t have a dom but have talked with some. Some were very nice but I have some concerns or red flags and am unsure if this is normal or toxic behaviour.

So I’ve never actually met this person since covid is everywhere and they’ve been involved the lifestyle a longtime. I had said what my hard limits were and things that make me uncomfortable and what level of control I’d be willing to give up. I don’t want my personal and professional life controlled which includes clothings and looks as I know what I want in life etc.

This person wants to control if and when I go out, what I wear, ignore limits and I just feel like my concerns are being ignored. For example if I say I don’t want to do that or I cant handle that kind of pain or you aren’t giving me enough time for something when I’m a beginner or I’m uncomfortable m, it gets ignored and I’m told my boundaries need to be pushed.

So it feels very much like he gets what he wants out of it and I have my concerns or limits pushed to the side. I don’t want to be forced to do things that I don’t want to do as it brings trauma (I was sexually assaulted 3 times in the past all with people I knew which I did tell him about). I’ve also mentioned to him that I have an anxiety disorder and he says get past it etc and it doesn’t work like that. So if I’m going to having an attack I was basically told it won’t be put up with And I could be punished. It’s not something that I can control. I actually feel like crying while writing this. He did say I could have a safe word but at this point if we ever met I feel like I’d just use it for everything because “my boundaries” as he put it will be pushed.

I thought submission was a gift and that doms would respect your concerns and limits??? I tried to enter the scene about 6ish years ago and got too scared and creeped out by someone (that’s another tale in itself) and now feel like I should not pursue it again. What is the point of limits or saying what you don’t want controlled etc if people just ignore those things? Am I wrong to want my limits and concerns to be addressed and respected?
Also is it considered wrong to be talking to several doms as he also said that was not allowed. I feel like I’d need to talk to others to see what would work best for me and whomever etc. Is that a bad way to think? Sorry for all the questions, very much a beginner.

To me this feels toxic and I hope someone (doms and subs) can give some input or advice?

Redfoxmask​(dom male) • Sep 23, 2020

drop it and run away as fast as you can that is not what this is about its about mutual respect learning what boundries can or cant be pushed and with the amount of trauma you have had I would seek counseling of some type to deal with that this person you have talked to is no dom thats abuse run as far away from it as possible there is not trust respect get out . as far as panic attack or anxiety take it slow breathe deep recenter and take it slow. but get out of this guys grasp and fast thats full on abuse. in order for a D/s relationship to work there has to be mutual respect, trust earned not taken, and a bunch of other things as well that this guy does not exhibit. its a back and forth mutual respect he has no respect or feelings for your safety get out and do it fast. safety above all SSC safe sane consentual which this is not consentual by any form of the word.

MissBonnie​(dom female){oz} • Sep 23, 2020

If it feels toxic to you, then it is toxic for YOU!
it no use putting up with something your unhappy with, just so you have a "Master"
Ask yourself are you staying because any Master, is better than no Master at all?
While I agree somewhat with Redfox, this guy doesn't seem the best, it might just be that he isn't the right Dom for you. People are complex, BDSM is complex we all look for different things within its boundaries.
Being submissive you still need your wants and need list ticked off too!
You know what you want and what you desire from a BDSM connection. Just like any person to person connection, all be it vanilla or BDSM, you have the personal right to state what you need, what you want to give (in the way of power exchange) and what you expect back in return. If your holding up your end of the arrangement and he isn't, you have the right to question why? if the answer isn't sitting well with you, then its time to leave (he does deserve the right of reply). Think of BDSM like a bank account, you can only keep making withdraws so many times before you hit the red and end bankrupt. You need deposits too in order to grow in your submission.

FayeAce​(sub female) • Sep 23, 2020

Thank you both for your advice

CaramelGoddess • Sep 23, 2020

I'm new to this as well and am so glad you asked the questions you did, very helpful!

GentleDomforyou • Sep 23, 2020

Personally, I cannot understand Dom's that want to control every aspect of someone else's life. I have a hard enough time controlling my own. I have been asked a few times by subs that wanted this, wanting to be told how to dress and what to do all day. It was exhausting and I lost interest quickly. Nope, you have to decide what type of sub you want to be, and then find a Dom that matches you needs. The 7 levels of submission were a great starting point for me. I told me what they wanted and helped sort out people on both pretenders who wanted kinky sex, and women that wanted to be owned and slaves, which was way too much for me. I like strong independent women

WyteTiger​(dom gender fluid){JuicyJess} • Sep 23, 2020

1. Thats not a dom, thats a control freak, as soon as control exceeds your limits, run

2. If you see red flags, either talk it through with the person, or run

3. If your not respected (outside of degradation and humiliation if you want it, but your limits etc.) Run

Just because your a sub doesnt mean you dont know if its right for you or not, trust yourself above all else

Taramafor​(sub male) • Sep 23, 2020

Technically they're right, which is a very in depth topic. To be clear I'm stating we all have to push our limits to stop being afraid of them. Sometimes only pushing past them is the way to do that. But it's a matter of knowing HOW to do that. Does your dom explain the "how"? Or the why? Guessing not.


If we're going by what he said "technically" it does. IF you know how (see above). But it doesn't look like he's letting you know how.


I imagine this has given you an irrational fear of having sex with others because you're reminded of bad past experiences (eg: Projecting?) I would need more context on those experiences to add anything further. But long story short, that was then, this is now. that was those people, these are these people. It doesn't have to be "the worst". Not speaking of your dom right now, I'm covering it "in general".

There's clearly miscommunication between the two of you. You are too afraid due to your anxiety (so I don't think you challenge them enough) and they're failing to explain the reasoning behind what they do. I'm not going to pretend they have good or bad reasons, because I'm not a mind reader. But I do know you're clearly left confused and feel like your needs aren't being met.

I'm not going to just pin it all on the dom unlike the others. I'm stating that YOU might need to combat your anxiety and challenge people more if you want to feel safe and know why people do what they do. If they can't explain why (or otherwise give a GOOD reason) then I say play it safe. Don't do it. You're a sub, not a slave. Following EVERY order comes with trust and understanding. Obedience should never be blind. That said, it is something I give freely if I feel like someone at least tries to be understanding and engages with me without me having to get them to. That leads to other topics, like explaining how people get what they want/need from me when they just tell me what to do which I'd be more then happy to do. If that kind of explanation/communication is lacking when there's concerns then either "spotlight them" and challenge them (people can be more understanding once that happens) or find someone "better". Or both even.

Whatever you do though, that's YOUR choice. I'm not going to tell you what to do. I want you to use your own judgement. I feel like what you need right now more then anything is a choice. And that's yours to make.

somethingclever​(sub female){Searching} • Sep 23, 2020

If you’re not in a relationship with the person, I would simply say it isn’t a good fit (as opposed to toxic). I’m very submissive, but I am dominant in my daily life and there’s nothing fulfilling about somebody controlling every detail. However, there are plenty of submissives who crave being controlled in this way and relate to it.

In my opinion, both the dominant and submissive are accountable for communicating their needs and desires- if someone wants to control every aspect of your life, they should make that clear. If you don’t want it, you need to be firm on your boundaries. If the person you’re talking to seems good in other ways, then I would try to be empathetic and find a way to compromise. If that’s not possible, then it’s just not a good fit and continuing further will likely lead to a toxic relationship. Hope that helps and that you’ll find a relationship that fulfills you.

BrendaSubmissive​(sub female) • Sep 23, 2020

Here is a little hopefully help..so, I am actually teaching human behaviour:
BOTTOM LINE:
- Fact that you wrote a question means you are bothered and concerned. THAT FACT ALONE tells you it is not a good match. Having a true DOMME means being safe and not worrying how he/she will lead you through the process. We as human beings have a right to choose. I am also starting my journey however if I do not vibe with that person it does not go further. The same rule is with vanilla rs..If you are not comfortable move on.