References

References

evergrey​(sub female){Ashigeru} • Jan 6, 2018

Hi!

So, I personally think asking for references is perfectly reasonable, and someone being offended by the request is a red flag.

If I am considering getting involved with someone, I ask for references, and I also ask around about them.

I've found that some people want to curate their references and get upset if you ask around beyond the people they have told you to ask, or the posts they have pointed you to online. Another red flag.

I feel that people who value their partners will approve of said partners taking their own safety seriously and checking on someone's reputation from more than one angle. People who value themselves are also hopefully going to value those they share themselves with, ya know? If you think you don't deserve any better than whatever you get, how highly do you think of those who you give yourself to?

Here's the bit I'm looking to discuss- how do you verify references? Do you also ask around about someone? I suppose this would count for online stuff, if you asked in chat rooms or the like, but even more so, how do you go about checking on someone's reputation in real life communities?

I like to find out where they play, if they do play in public, and asking the people who run those events or regularly attend them. If the person whom I am considering name-drops local people who are respected in the scene, I ask those people about that person to see if they really do know them.

Sometimes people can unfairly get a bad rep, if there's a clique type of thing going, but that's why, for me, it's important to get as many data points as possible.

When the person only plays privately, and I've never met or heard of the people they provide references from, I tend to take a lot longer getting to know them before deciding to play.

Thoughts?

MsNevermore​(other female) • Jan 6, 2018

Personally,
When asking for references I am going to expect that they are going to give me the best of the best of those who will vouch for them. The key is in the questions you ask of those references. I mean we do actually talk to them right?

This also means you have communicated long enough to know the person enough to have questions. How did they meet? How long have they known them are the 101 basics. But I will usually also ask questions in a way that it can't be prepared or prepared for. In such as naming a time that you saw the person xyz. How did they handle it vs how would you? What is one area that they xyz (excel, need improvement) etc...

At the end of the curve though a reference is only that...words of an observation of someone else.
I have always found that extensive communication between the two parties is best with their own actions backing up the words.
Also, asking them reverse references. Who do/don't they respect or look up to in the community. Why or why not.
100% agree if someone can't give one reference (unless absolutely straight out of the wagon) I would pass. Anyone who can't find one person to at least say a positive thing about or at least give a clear reason as to why, too, would be on my no fly list as well.

Lysistrata​(sadist female) • Jan 6, 2018

I agree with all those things you said being definite red flags. I have many good references from my community and then one person who would give me a bad reference due to a nasty breakup situation but when someone is checking up on me I tell them that, my side of the story, and what they can expect to hear from my negative reference. Then it's up to them. But despite having poorly handled a breakup once when I was 21, I'm a good and safe and respectful partner and it wasn't a situation of abuse, so there's no reason at all for me to hide that story from someone. If someone is curating their references it's probably not a situation like mine, it's something really bad they did.

With someone who has only played in private, it might be awkward as fuck for them but I would ask to get in contact with their former private partner. Safety first, people lie, sorry. If there was a messy break up and that's just not reasonable or possible for them, just keep getting to know them and being smart and careful - in person NOT online - and go with your gut. The kink closet is real for many people so you don't want to discount someone who doesn't have dungeon contacts.

I have never been active online and since joining this site have decided that my strategy to vet a potential that starts online who claims to be active in their community is to start by platonically attending an event with them they claim to be a regular at and see if people really know them. Obviously if they get offended by this suggestion that would be one of those red flags.

What I am stuck on since joining this site is making decisions about total newbies since there seem to be a lot. And I don't want to discount them either, and at the end of the day I always go with my gut, but if anyone has practical strategies for vetting a BDSM virgin who just joined The Cage with no contacts or experience I'd love to hear them. The thought of myself becoming someone's first and only reference seems like a responsibility I don't want to hold toward the rest of the community.

Lysistrata​(sadist female) • Jan 6, 2018

Oh and this applies more to us serious S&Mers but is important for everyone- especially with someone new don't forget to verify information about their health. Not just STIs but when they last went to the doctor, heart conditions, blood pressure, asthma, bruising, bleeding, etc. You don't want to be the first person who causes your partner to find out there's something they can't medically do. Remind those in the kink closet that they can talk openly and privately to a doctor about what kind of kink they're planning to engage in and ask if it is physically safe for them.

UnrulyNerdGirl​(sub female) • Jan 20, 2018

References are only good if the person giving the validation is known to you, and you have some sort of trust relationship with the person.

Otherwise, it’s just one stranger possibly giving validation on another stranger.