Edging/holding back an orgasm

Re: Edging/holding back an orgasm

tallslenderguy​(other male) • Nov 14, 2022

Great discussion!

A few thoughts to add to the mix, this is in no way meant as an absolute or definitive answer.

i think this gets into who's really in control? Both physically and psychologically. If you are giving that control to another, then "rationally" you do not have control, They do. Which, i think, is the point of the various methods used to get complete control, e.g. "punishment." If the punishment is 'real' to you, then i think it can be an effective way of your Top getting deeper control. If you desire/need punishment, seems to me you'd still be in control and are destined to 'fail.'

i'm a gay guy, but grew up in a religious culture that was anti gay. While figuring it all out, i ended up married to a woman for 31 years. We had an ongoing and active sex life, at least 5x a week. We were both virgins when we married (very young too). i was sooo virgin, that i actually missed the first time we had sex. Yep, didn't even get in, but that didn't stop me from coming. After i thought: that didn't feel as good as i thought it would... then she explained to me i hadn't actually got in. Oh. That never happened again.

At first, her orgasms happened pretty easily and automatically , but once the newness wore off? about a month in, she cried after the first time we had sex and i came and she didn't. She told me i didn't care, but reality was, i was just ignorant and inexperienced. i could not have told you what a clitoris was, let alone identify it... and g spot? But tears were my kryptonite, and i learned very quickly.

The biggest part of that learning process was me learning how to control my own orgasm as part of controlling hers. i was in charge of both hers and mine for our entire marriage. It was not a conscious D/s thing, neither of us knew what that was, it was her expectation, so it became mine. i got good at it and can count on one hand the number of times in 31 years that she did not orgasm during sex. She was always first to orgasm, that became my purposeful practice and my cue that i could orgasm. I.e., i learned how to control my orgasm until she came.

i'm not sure we can separate the physical from the psychological when it comes to sex? i can't. i also believe that, while we all have stuff in common, we are also individuals and i do not think there can be a generic answer to this question. For me, being gay and in a straight marriage probably helped me when it came to controlling my own orgasm. Also (though i didn't realize it at the time), we were both bottoms with a side of sub thrown in. i think i knew what to do instinctively in many ways, but didn't have a conscious understanding. Essentially though, i knew what and how to give, because it was what i wanted/needed unconsciously.

my orgasm control happened pretty easily and automatically, but i think it's mostly psychological. i.e., my desire/need to please is greater than my desire/need to be pleased. Or, maybe more accurately, the two are connected and interdependent. i think it's part of my bottom wiring that my ultimate pleasure and fulfillment depend on His pleasure and fulfillment, and that includes orgasm. A Top/Man who not just understands this, but also needs/wants this, can control my orgasm.

I'mME • Nov 14, 2022

Secret Mind,

Would that not be funishment?

I'mME • Nov 14, 2022

Gee I hope they agree to being hurt for experiencing a sexual act.

I'mME • Nov 14, 2022

OP,

For me it's about knowing my body, knowing when I'm at that edge of falling off the cliff. It also takes practice, and practice. If you have a Dom and y'all decide to practice orgasm control, they would (should) get to know your body and tell when You are getting close.
It is about what you tell your mind when we have those talks with our minds. There is a kink of ruined orgasms, and denial/chastity.
Unless one enjoys being set up to fail, (that could be considered a kink) a Dom can use this as a building exercise for trust.
It's huge and hurting someone because they cum, would destroy any trust I had in someone.
Doms build up , challenge, but if they set their sub up for failure, I see that as a lack of leadership, and how well do they know the sub.

I'm sure there are dynamics in which this happens all the time, although I wonder how the sub can have peace in their thoughts if always having to wonder about being set up to fail.

CotrolYourHole • Nov 15, 2022

Yep it seems to be largely willpower that lets us stop a sub’s potential orgasm in its tracks lol…but quickly deploying some pain on her sure helps too! As for the Dom holding his orgasm back just to have a stronger blast of cum, changing my thrust pace suddenly or just “zoning out” for a second & not focusing on her body will often work. But of course there are times when it just feels too good to hold back

ButterfliesAndCuffs​(sub female) • Nov 15, 2022

I think if a Dom hurts his or her submissive for cumming without permission they run the risk of the submissive associating being hurt with cumming (even unconsciously). Then you wind up with a sub that has difficulty cumming even when you want them to.
I think a more appropriate punishment could be that because your sub stole an orgasm they don’t get to have any for a while. I know from experience this is pretty effective.
Now if this is just a fun scene and cumming without permission gets a funishment that’s a different scenario.

tallslenderguy​(other male) • Nov 15, 2022

i'm not sure how i feel and think about this, so thinking outloud as i write.

my initial response is to agree. But then i wonder if i am just applying my own needs/desires and making that universal? I.e., what constitutes "hurts" for me, doesn't constitute "hurts" for everyone. It's tricky i think because i don't know that we always 'know,' that part of relationship is discovery.

Personally, i don't get punishment at all as part of a relationship i would have, but obviously there are a lot of people who need/want that on both sides of the slash. Also, apparently, one persons punishment is another persons nurturing/pleasure/__________. Some 'punish' to be mean, others 'punish' to mold, discipline. There's probably as many variations on this theme as there are people.

E.g., for me, me cumming in a way i don't want to is 'punishing' to me, even if i do it solo... especially if i do i solo? my own psychosexual wiring is such that, ideally, the only orgasm i want is the one my Man gives me. That can get complex. What that mostly means to me is His orgasm. I.e., when He orgasms inside of me, His orgasm becomes my orgasm. i seem built and wired as a receptacle, like i have a place in me that only a Man can fill with His need/desire to fill (putting the complex in the simplest of terms here, eh?).

i am guessing this may (probably) be experienced differently by a woman bottom/sub? idk, because there are Women Tops/Dommes, and every variation.

Sorry, don't wanna get too far into the weeds, but this is complicated and individual it seems.

For me, a Man i am in relationship with who holds back His orgasm, is "punishment," if He is doing it to hurt me. If He is doing it to mold me, it can be discipline. A Man who molds/trains/wants/needs me to hold back my orgasm can be loving, nurturing and helping me grow, affirming me, if that is His desire/need.

When it comes to Him owning the orgasm that comes from stimulating me (i.e., not talking about His orgasm in me), how that happens makes all the difference between it being destructive or affirming. i guess like all kink relationships, it's very personal and requires compatibility and communication. I.e., it does not work at all for me if this is just about my needs/desires or just about His. It's about the connecting and bonding of our mutual needs/desires as opposites attracting. For me, it's not so necessarily about Him owning 'my' orgasm as Him owning and controlling our orgasm.

i hate role play (just my perception), because this is very real to me. How He controls the orgasm my body has is a reflection of our mutual need/desire (ideally). my deepest desire psychologically is that the only orgasm we share together is the one from His body. But, keeping it real, i still have hormones and physical needs. If a guy goes long enough without an orgasm, he has a wet dream lol... i.e., his body takes care of itself. i do love the idea of a dynamic where our desires/needs are so closely connected that my Man takes care of that for me as well, but in a totally different context. That He decides when and how my body orgasms, but we both see it as sort of a household function, like taking out the trash. i love the psychology behind that, If we both see it that way, it's very affirming for both of us. "Ruined" would deepen it.

sorry, that was meandering.

LongerJohnny​(dom male) • Nov 15, 2022

We seem to be concentrating a bit much on the idea of punishment, but lets not overlook the potential benefits of positive reinforcement as motivation. For instance as my dirty sub became better at edging, more intensely and for longer durations, in addition to being incredibly proud of her I would reward her with extra orgasms at other times. The combination was motivation to keep challenging and pushing herself. As a result she can now edge or cum indefinitely, and I continue to be extremally proud of her.
While you are learning orgasm control I do not believe that punishment need be inevitable, or that it is even necessary, but as with all things it is entirely dependent on the dynamic and the persons involved.

ButterfliesAndCuffs​(sub female) • Nov 15, 2022

TSG - Yes I thought of that too. For example if you hurt a masochist (such as myself) for breaking a rule like cumming without permission, it might not be such a deterrent. However, if you hurt a sub that doesn’t have masochistic tendencies for the same offense, you could run into the problem I mentioned earlier with having difficulty cumming in general because of the association with pain.

It all comes down to knowing your submissive of course and what methods would work best for the outcome the Dom is working towards.

I just don’t personally believe that punishment is necessary or the best way to go about teaching your submissive to control his or her orgasms long term.