Fear of being outed and its impact on a community

Fear of being outed and its impact on a community

Kurai Mori​(dom male) • Dec 11, 2022

I've participated in some diverse areas - California, upstate New York, New Mexico, Oklahoma to name but a few generalized regions. And being outed, seems to run the gamut from being of little or no to a casual concern all the way across the board to full blown paranoia (in my opinion - when you drive nearly a state away, in order to maintain your own degree of anonymity. Which I noted, as I tried to run a small rural group for a period of time).

At one point; I was accused of outing a senior member of a community I was participating in... it got heated on his part, because he felt - I had outed him. Simply because we happened to occupy the same fast food restaurant one weekday around lunch time. I glanced and noticed him, but said nothing - as we had no business - no reason for me to go up and say anything to him. I eventually left. Because he was making me nervous, as he was constantly staring and I could hear the side remarks from his associates. "Do you know him?". "Who is he?". Etcetera etcetera...
He put himself in a bad place, because of his fear of being outed - by who he saw as being a junior member of the community. Not through any action of my own... What are the chances - if there are fifty McDonald's in your urban area. That you and another member of the local kink community are in the same one on the same day?

But on the other end of the spectrum...
When members of a community openly complain about a lack of activities - locally and refuse to participate, because they are afraid to be seen in a public setting. Yet have no problem, driving to the other side of a state - if not into a neighboring state - and actively participate in their public settings... because as I was told. They have this sense of anonymity... but at the same time, they tell me they believe people are following them. Because they recognize local people who have gone to the same events as them.
So, if you are driving from Utah to Idaho - in order to be anonymous. And other Utahans drive to Idaho, to be anonymous also. And you recognize each other in Idaho... how anonymous are you actually?
I'm using Utah and Idaho as an example.
But these were the remarks I received running a small rural group. That I didn't do enough locally. When I was hosting open munches... telling people, I would be at a specific location having coffee and people were welcome to stop by and say hello. ABC coffee shop in Walmart at 10am on Saturday and I would be there for roughly an hour, working on my laptop... look for the guy in the black pie cap and leather jacket... trust me - I didn't stand out, but I also didn't look like the locals either.
In a year of trying to stir up interest locally, I met with only three people... a dom and his slave at a Waffle House. And had coffee with another dominant who was trying to start up another local community to the south of me. And wanted to pick my brain for ideas...

So, is the fear singularly isolated to just a few individuals within the group?
Or is it a pandemic of the whole community - afraid to engage - with each other?

I wanted to bring up the topic of being outed. As we have an influx of newer individuals - people who have recently discovered kink/BDSM and may not be aware of the concern of being outed in public. Starting a conversation and discussion about it.
What are our fears? Our concerns?

B L O N D I E​(sub female) • Dec 11, 2022

Good question. I personally don't have a problem meeting in public or going to munches or whatever, but I have a very private job. It would be different if I was in a more public sector and it was important than no one found out what I was into.

The picture you paint of people driving to other states to remain anonymous and then meeting people from their own area is comical and heartbreaking at the same time. You just can't win, which I suppose is another reason to just cut the shame and let it all out. I'm lucky that I don't have to worry about it too much.

Every vanilla person I have ever told that I was in a dominant/submissive relationship has been okay with it. It's gotten mainstream enough that people at least know what it is even if they aren't into it themselves.

I think a lot of the shame and fear is self-imposed, but that might just be my perspective. I think people will be more accepting than we tend to think....and we don't need to give them the gory details. A few words is enough. If we met someone kink-related in a non-kink environment, we could just say we met them at a social gathering or a party. No need for details.

Knightsundere​(sub male) • Dec 11, 2022

I'm really glad that we've moved to a point in society where being outed for being sexually deviant isn't a concern for the younger generations in all but the most traditionalistic areas. I'm from rural Norcal myself and "who you know" is suuuuper rarely a concern in any social setting. Might catch a sideways glance if you high five a homeless dude but other than that it'd never be an issue. All this to say that, in regards to the topic, among everyone under the age of 30 in my experience it's just something normal. Arguably reaching the point where it's becoming desirable?

Gonna add that making a point to bring it up around vanilla friends is ill-advised as would ANY kind of intimate sex stuff. I bring it up anyways because it's funny lol but I digress ~

Steellover​(sub male) • Dec 12, 2022

I live in one of those states mentioned in the anonymous post. And while I am not actually in a D/S relationship, if it ever got out that I was seeking one, or that I was into any kind of kink whatsoever, it would destroy me. It would destroy my reputation among my friends and associates, and possibly my career as well, as my company just might feel like "your perverse sexual tastes do not reflect well on our company's image, so we're letting you go."

So yes, discresion and paranoia are a real thing for me. But as a corollary, if I knew or found out someone else was "in the scene" either as a dom/domme or submissive, I would do my best to make sure that such intimate information would never be spread. I would keep it a secret for their sake.

As for "The Scene" our town really doesn't have much of a BDSM community. There IS a very active GLBT community, but it is officially frowned upon by many of the influential people in state government- and of course, that community is still "Vanilla" and not really open towards BDSM. About 10 years ago, there was a small BDSM club here for a while, and I did contact them at one point, but they seemed to be mostly maledom/female sub oriented; nothing wrong with that at all- but as a male sub I really wouldn't have felt welcome, so I never went to any of their underground meet-ups. (Which, by necessity, were pretty much deeply underground.) I don't think that group is active anymore.

B L O N D I E​(sub female) • Dec 12, 2022

That is extremely sad that the maledom/female sub side didn't welcome you. That is a travesty.

moll​(other female){owned slav} • Dec 12, 2022

That is a very good topic and a concern that most people have especially now with the weirdness that is going on in politics, well at least in the US. So many people going after the LGBTQ+ community, it's frightening and there is a growing concern that people in BDSM communities are going to be targeted next.

Master and I are very concerned with exposure, which is why I am very careful about what I post and I'm not allowed to share photos of us. Another thing that is a concern is exposing my parents. They're not part of this lifestyle, or at least not to my knowledge, but I don't want their colleagues and clients to know that I am. It might not reflect well on them.

Steellover​(sub male) • Dec 13, 2022

I don't think it was a travesty, but it was rather a simple matter of scene demographics. Much like it is on this forum, in real life the number of submissive females greatly outnumbers the number of submissive males, and the number of dominant males greatly outnumbers the number of dominant females. (Not to mention, there are also far more submissive men than dominant women out there.) Because the numbers skewed towards male doms/female subs, that dynamic became the preferred and accepted one within that local BSDM group. There were, apparently, more than a few un-partnered submissive males who attempted to fit in with that group (before I contacted them, as least so I was told) but nobody was really too interested in them as there just wasn't anyone there who really appreciated or understood that dynamic.

As a metaphor, it was Sort of like being the only hippie phish-head jam band fan at a music festival full of death metal bands.

Kurai Mori​(dom male) • Dec 14, 2022

For myself with being outed...

I lived a fairly active lifestyle for a while. I pushed at some societal norms with some of the things I did - openly. Mostly in my time up in Oregon, upstate New York - not so much. Maybe crossed some taboos with dating women of Color. As I did get some nasty looks from time to time. I did have an acquaintance who was even louder than I was - when I was in Oregon. And she was in New York...

The craziest thing I did in New Mexico and Oklahoma, was wearing my kilt in public... The looks I got in Oklahoma were priceless though... oh, I wish I had stayed there longer.

Today, I'm pretty low key. I don't stand out too bad. Try to maintain a nice quiet existence.
If I was to be loud... might be in my choice of car - been looking at finding an old school hearse. Found these cool skull shaped headlamp covers...

B L O N D I E​(sub female) • Dec 14, 2022

Men wear kilts in my town all the time.

Doogs​(switch male) • Dec 14, 2022

Wearing kilts here in Australia also happens with no concerns, a friends son even wore his to night clubs lol

As far as being outed goes thou, I think there is more chance of being found out by attending regular closed events, where the word gets out that X is going on in that building tonight and local outsiders are watching, than what there is going to organized social meetups in public as long as everyone attending doesn't put on a display on what you all are really about. like turning out in full leather wear lol
As Blondie said, a social public outing can be explained away and covered up from what the true common ground is