When The Submissive Does The Leaving: Handling Loss For The Dominant

When The Submissive Does The Leaving: Handling Loss For The

Villanelle​(staff) • Jan 16, 2018

Dominants are strong and all powerful, right? Well at least WE all are here at THE CAGE! However, every so often we have to go through that very human experience, the breakup. If the submissive is the one who initiates the break, it can often mean a hit to the confidence of the dominant, who has put so much time and energy in to the ownership of the submissive. Dominants, how do you get over a D/s breakup? Is it a time when you turn to your peers? And has it affected how you feel about your abilities as a dominant?

Shade1​(dom male){bad puns} • Jan 16, 2018

Scotch.

Okay, all kidding aside - yes, primarily I turn to my peers - even vanilla ones. I'm an introvert myself, so this is not necessarily "natural," but the best way to handle "loss" is through community. Being able to talk about it (loss of girlfriend to vanilla friends) helps me process it all.

For me, there is a sort of mourning period, ranging from a few hours to a few weeks, just to process and accept the loss, and reflect on the experience as a whole. What went well? What can I improve on? Why did she want things to end? Answering these questions helps me recover, and grow.

And yes, every one of these breakups has led me to question my abilities and role as a Dominant - if a submissive wants to leave, it *must* be my fault or lack of ability, right? (That's the initial thought, it's not always the truth.)

I look forward to hearing from others.

Lucia​(sub female){not lookin} • Jan 16, 2018

@Shade1, your profile says you are fortunate enough to be on good terms with all your exes. May I ask, is part of the reason for that that you eventually got your exes to answer those questions themselves? I believe that anyone in any position who initiates a breakup (especially of something that was serious) has the responsibility to fully and with brutal honesty explain why, if they are asked. It may cause a lot of hurt, but in my experience having all questions answered in the only way to end up friends. Which hopefully should be everybody's goal.

Shade1​(dom male){bad puns} • Jan 16, 2018

@Lucia,

Of course you may ask! In my specific case, most of the "break ups" happened on a more mutual basis (ie, one sub moved away for a huge job opportunity. And we both had previously agreed that distance wasn't an option. Another sub felt the pull to go Domme, and she did. Just not with me, etc)

But more to your question, yes. In the relevant situations, I'm fortunate enough that, the break up conversation lead to the above questions being answered. And its because of that trust and honesty through the "break up" process that we are able to retain a friendship (some closer than others of course.)

Lucia​(sub female){not lookin} • Jan 17, 2018

@Shade1 Yes, I'm glad to hear you had your questions answered because that was the main thing I wanted to know- without personal experience on the subject I can obviously see how any breakup could shake a D-type's confidence in their abilities as a Dominant. I think that having every question answered by the sub would help Y'all not just deal with that specific breakup but be able to move on with confidence, and quite frankly, barring a situation of abuse, it would be cruel of a sub who initiated a breakup to withhold their reasons. Y'all deserve to know- it may be that your strategy of Dominance had nothing to do with it, or it may be that it did.... either way you deserve to know so you can grow and move on as a person.

cyndi lucy • Jan 17, 2018

It would be difficult for me if my sub left me. It would take me awhile to get over.

Miki​(masochist female) • Jan 19, 2018

Unfortunately and probably not worth much but "Break-ups are never easy, nor is there any appreciable difference between 'our' break ups and those affecting 'vanilla' relationships."

Easier written than done but one simply must deal with the feelings, accept the loss and move on.

Perhaps most critical of all is to avoid "The Rebound". The success rate of those being a great deal lower and the angst resulting from them a fair amount more. One begins to question his or her own value as a partner, lover, master, or sub.

I guess once one gets a bit burnt, it's best to stay out of the kitchen for a while.

That's it from the peanut gallery. Best of luck to all of you who have "lost" recently. It gets better. Give it time.

Silver​(sub female){not intere} • Jan 19, 2018

in a wallgreen world anyone initiating a break up would explain themselves but some of us know that it does not always happen.

choosing someone should be.. because there are qualities, traits and interests in compatable kinks that you really like. and it should go both ways.

the great thing about these relationships is that so much can be experienced and explored. which means that W/we all have the opportunity to grow. and just like the other relationships we make in the world...sometimes we grow beyond them. and there is nothing wrong with that and there is nothing wrong with being honest with the other person and admitting that you no longer feel that you are on the same page with them for whatever reason.

there is (in my opinion) nothing worse than to stay someplace where i am not wanted. and i cant imagine its different for anyone else.

ending a relationship can be devastating but as adults.... we all really do understand that it is best to pick ourselves up, allow ourselves to heal, and then live our life until the forces of the universe sends someone new and fun and loving our way!

Peace

Gai H​(dom gender fluid) • Mar 16, 2018

I did find it hard to lose the slaves/subs in my life. They were not my choice and very much cases of changes in life happening, but in at least one case I did feel as though I'd been a bit 'milked' and then ignored when no longer needed. people often assume that in a D/s relationship, the Dominant is the one in total control. The reality is it's two adults and if one becomes a bit of an emotional vampire or just changes and vanishes off doing other things without every really dealing with it or closing things out, it's hard. As Master or Dominant, you can't act like you're in a book or one of your scenes and insist they follow some pathway to honesty or treat you with respect - if they want to be exactly like a vanilla bad ending, they will be. All you can do is grow from it, walk away and remind yourself that you're not responsible for another human's choices, outside of their submission to you. Once they withhold that, you're no longer responsible in my view.

It does leave something of a void though, when someone is missing.

ric840147 • Mar 27, 2018

Being a DOM who is currently experiencing this situation it is comforting to read some of the thoughtful comments.
Talking about it with others is helping and I guess as they say time is the greatest healer.
I do agree 100% that as a DOM you do take the separation as a failure of your ability to care for and meet the needs of your Sub.
In my case this is true because of the physical distance were apart from each other. Something I thought wrongly we were working to correct.
So ask me in 6 months time the question of coping/dealing with the loss of a Sub and I hope I will have the season and strength to answer.