What is it that you (subs) desire?

SageFlame​(sub female) • Nov 2, 2023

Part One -
I am not a Dom nor do I wish to be. But if I may offer this; my background is in education: In my experience, teaching, guiding and training is most affective when you have understanding of basic responses of the human brain. What causes the brain to be fearful? What allows the brain to be creative? What causes the brain to rest and rejuvenate? How does the brain learn? What is the job of the brain - specifically the mechanism for safety. There are learning styles that are developed in early childhood the same time personality is developed. Not all subs will respond the same way to the same training. When your aware of this you can recognize readiness for certain challenges. Timing is key! If your planning on building a long term relationship there is a runway to prepare before take-off. Much of this can be learned by years of trial and error but you have an advantage by understanding learning styles and brain chemistry behind behavior.

Biologically we all have the same needs for safety and connection. ( love and belonging) They are just met in different ways. I'm mentioning all these things because a sub needs this to feel free to unlock her **desires.*

Part Two -
1. Providing a listening ear with the intention of understanding rather than taking action. I would love to find someone who has active listening skills. For example: a past long distance Dom would close each session with this question: "are there any thoughts, questions or concerns before I go?" THIS was the first time in my life anyone had cared about listening to me. As Bunny mentioned, providing a space where I am free to be myself and freedom of expression.

2. Humor and laughter.

3. Stimulating conversation - I have a sapio side and it is a huge turn on when Dom has an inquisitive mind and likes to share their thoughts, ideas and interests. I relish listening!

This sets the stage, builds the runway.

Other desires:

4. Planning, thinking ahead - when a Dom has things in planned and can guide the way this fulfills my *desire* to follow.

5. My future and dreams to be fulfilled. I'm not looking for someone to choose my dreams for me but someone who will champion my dreams. Just as I champion theirs. I do not have a Dom at this time mainly due to the fact that they don't want me traveling solo, some wanted me to not carry out my dreams but to be content with only being a submissive for him. So yeah, it is a *desire* to be supported in my endeavors.

6. Exploration within the dynamic.

There is a whole lot I don't know about what it takes to be a Dom/Domme and finding out what the trial and error has been for other Dom/Dommes might be helpful also.

structureme​(sub female) • Nov 2, 2023

Sir, that was a great question that you asked. Hopefully, Dom's/Master's as well as sub's/ slaves alike will benefit from these communications. I know enjoyed reading all of the responses. But I can only attest for what it means to me no one else. Once I commit myself to my D or M, I look at it as I place my entire being in his care. That includes: mentally, emotionally
psychologically, physically and sexually. So what I need and require from my D or M is the follows:
#1 Unconditional LOVE, because I already gave him my unconditional love so I expect that in return. And that's irregardless of anything that happens within the relationship. Whether I messed up or whether I do great things I need for him to love me unconditionally, mean it, shoe it, and live it.
#2 make sure his word is his bond if he says he's going to do something I expect for him to follow through. Empty promises are very disheartening if he makes a decision it makes up his mind stay true to that decision. If something happens and things need to be different that's one thing but don't go and say I'm going to do this this and this and then you don't do any of it. Follow through.#3 yes of course that means I want to spend time with him and I want him to spend time with me. But what I'm thinking is much beyond that. I need for him to be behind the scenes I don't mean scenes as a play but behind the scenes and take time to not just teach me, train me, mentor me, guide me, and instruck me. One of the big things in time that I need from him is for him to structure me. I would like to be able to give my partner my schedule for the week my appointments my work schedule my exercise my food intake my calories my macronutrients my level of exercise how many steps I do. I require help with encouraging me to physically improve on my body. I need help in improving me on my level of submission how I can be a stronger more pleasing serving and worshiping servant unto him. A lot of Dom's and Masters don't want to take the time to micromanagement so if you don't want to break it down by day break it down by the week what are all the things that I need to accomplish. I need my partner to give me assignments whether they are written oral physical sexual whatever he desires. This is the end of part one

TopekaDom​(dom male) • Nov 2, 2023

Asking a question like this is like asking someone what kind of ice cream they like.

Largely, what you learn from a group of people is not going to specifically applicable to a given sub.

What you have to do is learn from THAT sub what it is they need. That is the dance that has been lost over the years. Doms have to poke and prod THAT s type to see what makes them tick. You have to learn the "why" of it all.

Yeah checklists and tests are amusing but largely useless when it comes to mental and emotional parts.

You really want to know what THAT sub wants: Spend time talking with them.

Lots and lots of time.

structureme​(sub female) • Nov 2, 2023

PART TWO
#4
I need the mental connection. I need for my partner to be able to get inside my head mentally and absorb me like a sponge and extract everything that he needs wants desires and has to have mentally from me for many many reasons most of which is to please him to be able to use the information that he has gathered from me and use it for his benefits pleasures Etc and use it to know me read me understand me and help me to not just please him, serve him, worship Him but to be able to understand me more than I understand myself. To be able to get what both of us needs what he needs as my partner and what I need in return because I don't even know what that is mentally. I am very infatuated with the notion and concept of mental domination. I know that once he reaches that level then he will be able to put both of us in a heightened state of ambrosia and nirvana. I want very much to be able to have an enormous sub space experience. Also by him being in my head it will bring us closer together with his experience, knowledge, wit, understanding, perseverance, know how and desire to control me for both of our mutual benefits. I want him to be able to be so much in tune with me and I was him that all he has to do is look at me tap me on the shoulder nod or whatever sign of signal hates you to forgive me and I know exactly what he wants. Then there are other times that he will direct my path and I will have no knowledge but knowledge I do have is that I love him, trust him and respect him honor him and will follow him obediently. Both the dominant and the submissive have needs and when one meets the other needs then that one needs the others needs and it's like a circle 360° of a cycle if bliss. Yes there will be ups and downs but with great communication we will be as one.
End if part two

tallslenderguy​(other male) • Nov 2, 2023

i generally agree with TopekaDom on this.

While i think there is great benefit to discussions like this, the answers are general community input to a personal question. I.e., me thinks there is no generic answer, but discussions like this will find areas of resonance betwixt contributors and readers.

i do think "checklists and tests" can be more than "amusing" though. For me, a well written profile that begins to delineate attributes, desires, needs, helps determine whether there is enough compatibility to connect and pursue something.

i'm not offended by a profile with sexy pics (i like them lol), or full of explicit details. i want as much of that as one will divulge when looking for connection. For me, a major point of a profile is to put oneself out there. i see that as very different from sending unsolicited messages with unsolicited pics or content.

Stuff like "checklists and tests" serve me well when they are part of a profile. It really helps me to know if a guy is sadist as well as top. Top is a need, sadist is a deal breaker for me. So if a guy is looking for a bottom masochist as part of his check list, i have info that keeps either of us from wasting the others time.

One of my frustrations with online is the lack of info people put in their profiles. Content is what attracts or steers me clear of pursuing more, or not. i do get that openness is vulnerable, so each has to determine how much they wish to venture in pursuit of what they want/need. i am chagrinned, however, by the common lack of content in profiles, if the intent is to attract and connect.

i cannot count the number of profiles i read that say things like: "looking for a serious relationship." And that's it lol. If i try to give that person the benefit of the doubt, i reason: "well, it only says they are looking, they must not expect anyone to look at them since they are virtually invisible." There seems to be a common disconnect with many where they assume a relationship can initiate from virtually nothing, and it's not a Dom, sub, Top, bottom thing, it effects are not germane to any particular position on the identity spectrum.

trappedperhaps​(sub female) • Nov 6, 2023

To feel safe & wanted & used & loved. I don’t think I need to describe these. Pretty self explanatory.

crazyjoyful • Nov 6, 2023

I desire to be desired. To be used but cared for. To have someone else take all this (emotions, reactions, my head and heart) and show me how I should react. I crave a man to honestly teach me how to be just a woman because this isn’t it. I need someone to show me that I can be cared for as a submissive. I can go further but I’ll stop here.

I'mME • Nov 7, 2023

crazyjoyful,

*To have someone else take all this (emotions, reactions, my head and heart) and show me how I should react.*

So you feel that you don't handle emotions, reactions well?
Could you explain?

crazyjoyful • Nov 7, 2023

i think, I am too overwhelmed at times to handle them properly. But I think it’s more the want to be able to do what I can to please my Dom and not have to think how I should do everything or anything, all the time.
In short, I need an outlet to have that freedom to shut down so to speak and be rebooted.

silentnotes​(sub female){Looking } • Nov 7, 2023

For myself the things that are most important to me are
Time - making time to get to know me, spending time with me etc.
Patience - I'm not someone who trusts easily due to some things that happened in my past
being understanding - I struggle with mental health issues and I'm aware that not everyone can or knows how to deal with that, but if a Dom would want to work things out there has to be some sort of understanding for my situation or at least the willingness to lern about it

Of course things go both ways as much as I want those things I am willing to give them, it needs to be a safe space for all people involved.