Spending time with yourself

Spending time with yourself

Banféinní​(sub female) • Jan 8, 2023

Generally speaking most seek human connection, whether it be with friends, family or a romantic partner. I have spent the majority of my adult life in a monogamous institutional relationship.

Over the past six years I have put work in my personal healing and growth. The first four was done with the focus on past trauma and preparation for a life on my own. I let go of what had become a commitment to the institution vs my “till death do is part” partner. The past two years has been focused on becoming comfortable with who I am.

I accept and appreciate who I am. I am thankful that I have all I need. Yet, despite the work I’ve put in, I still have a “want”. A desire for a deep connection with a partner.

In the past two years I have found and lost love. My heart still carries relatively fresh wounds. I find myself beginning to question my “want” for a partner. I am bored or disinterested with every potential partner I speak with of late. The search has become exhausting and a disappointment. It makes me question if perhaps I need to spend a period of time with just myself and set aside my desire for a partner.

So my question is to those who have intentionally embarked on a journey of self. A period of time choosing to forsake “the search” and just be.

What did your time alone look like? How did you come to the decision to be alone? What did you do to work on or just be comfortable in solitude? How did you quiet the desire for a connection?

Shaynna​(dom female){SxH} • Jan 8, 2023

I was ghosted almost one year ago by my former Daddy and since then that I have been alone. And not counting online relationships, I've been alone for 5 years or so. I decided to start looking online again now but to be honest, I don't have high hopes for it.

Searching for someone got tiring and exhausting so I often give up trying to find someone. I also got tired of being ghosted.

I'm used to being alone. It can be lonely sometimes. Other times it hurts or I feel empty. I see couples on the street together and I wonder why can't I find someone. But then I remember how much it hurts when they disappear. Either way, I will be in pain.

For me, it helps me to read, play games, meditate or chat with friends online. It keeps the loneliness away during the day.
The problem for me, is at night, when I lay on my bed, trying to sleep. Then I usually feel lonely so I just hug my teddy bear (it's a bit childish considering that I'm 35 years old but it helps to hug it lol).

Not sure if my post can help you but I can tell you that sometimes we find who we need, not when we are looking for someone, but when we aren't looking.

You can also take some breaks while searching for someone, to have time for yourself and get distracted with other stuff and when you feel better you can go back looking.

tallslenderguy​(other male) • Jan 8, 2023

Banféinníi, think this is a great discussion topic, thank you for posting it.

i was in a (marriage) relationship with a woman for 31 years. Yet in some very essential ways, i was alone the entire time.

i don't think that is at all unusual, i think we experience connectedness and aloneness in degrees. There's physical aloneness and emotional/psychological aloneness, and the inevitable overlap.

my experience has been physical proximity with another can increase the potential for both physical and psychological connection, but it can also intensify our experience of aloneness. Who hasn't experienced a mate not 'getting' them despite repeated attempts to be seen and heard as is?

i think one of the bigger impediments to connecting with another is we leave so much of it to chance. We throw stuff at the wall and hope it will stick. We relegate "love" to a process of "falling" (i.e., "falling in love") lol. We don't really take much of a practical, measured, planned approach to relationship, do we really even no how?

i've been trying to take that oh so unromantic approach to finding a mate ever since divorcing, but the (my) method approach to finding a partner has not met with success. Mostly, i think i scare guys away.

While i believe relationship can be infinitely deep and complex, i think foundationally it can be more simple than we make it, but our failure to understand and set a mutually recognized functional foundation that both commit too leaves us all shooting in the dark... lots of collateral damage.

Banféinní​(sub female) • Jan 8, 2023

Oh that foundation! Very true. Sometimes we jump right in and enjoy the butterflies and hold tight to those rose colored glasses. When that happens we realize too late that we’ve forgotten to build and agree upon a sustainable foundation. Then we grip too tight for the fear of losing what we once “loved”. That is when the collateral damage starts flying in abundance.

I suppose it is the exhaustion and wounds from collateral damage that has brought me to the point of considering a period of quiet. Sitting still and just breathing. Learning to be comfortable in the moment. Perhaps mixed in is a bit of fear of failing yet again. Regardless of the reason, I still think it’s healthy to just hit the pause button for a bit.

Estaria​(sub female) • Jan 9, 2023

I started my single life about 8 months ago. When I first began my single life I found I was really really lonely, I searched so hard for my person and it ultimately left me feeling empty and discouraged. I found because I wanted it so bad I was trying way too hard to find it. I was feeling drained because I was giving more of myself than I think I should have in the hopes of finding someone.

I've decided to stop actively looking. I'm focusing on myself, I'm finding my hobbies, I'm talking to my close friends more... just keeping busy while I wait. I'm not going to say I put it on hold, I believe I will meet my person one of these days, but I'm not going to stress myself out waiting. I found focusing on the things I'll miss when I'm in a relationship helps me. For me it's mindlessly playing minecraft, I know when I'm in a relationship I won't be doing that whenever I want because that's just how I am...so I enjoy it while I can. I love to have alone time to walk around with a facial mask and deep conditioner in my hair...so I find time to do that often now. Enjoy the things you like doing when your single!

I totally understand your feeling of disinterest and boredom when talking to new people. I have to say, I have been having the same issue. I can say though, I have had that issue for a while...but I have met some very special people during that time. I chalk it up to maybe those people were actually just boring to me, because as soon as I started talking to certain people it was no longer boring and I was very interested.

I met who I consider my best friend on this site and we have a very unique relationship. We understand each other and are very comfortable with each other. We are both in lonely, difficult situations so we have been there for each other. I feel he's been there for me more than I have for him...but I try. Anyways, we lean on each other and are honest about what we're missing and try to help each other with those things. I know not everyone has that friend, but if you can...lean on your friends, let them fill some of that lonely space for a while.

Having some kind of goal for myself helped me immensely, something to focus on, something to work towards. I ended up figuring out a combination of things that help when done all together. Writing will help a tiny bit, listening to music helps a little, doing something to move me closer to my goal helps a little more, focusing on things like being healthy and working out help a little....but when I do all these things together every day it turns out it helps a whole bunch. Hope some of this helps.

Lastly, to everyone who's been ghosted... sending healing vibes your way. That shit sucks and we deserve more than that.

K y i v • Jan 9, 2023

Perhaps it is best to trust karma to provide. Get through each day supporting family and friends.
One day bam! Without effort or questions it will appear.

Miki​(masochist female) • Jan 17, 2023

Can't contrubute much to this topic but am sticking in my 2 cents as one who is a loner. Reclusive (not to be confused with a recluse. )I have an active work life and I'm out and about in town(s) on days off --- I stay in 2 different cities, one is "home" and the other is "other home" depending on work requirements----- Simply put, I'm Not given to relationships, only casual friendships or interacting best I can with coworkers on my whiteboard.-----

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The other penny is for Shaynna. From what I have observed in others I'm around, twisted or ordinary (my preferred term for what most call "vanilla" which I tend to not like but won't preach to anyone)

With some exceptions, looking "Online" especially in freewheeling places like this or "ordinary" ones other than the official commercial matchmaking services like match.com, is the worst way to find a partner for a potential relationship.

Time and again we see in the news the creeps and criminals who strike out of the blue, I can only imagine what deadly slime you can pull into your life in a one-dimensional environment such as this. Even with Live Chat and shit, it's easier to act like the greatest thing since ass-paper was invented onscreen, but once they walk away they can be their real selves. At least in a public setting it's harder to keep up a phony face. Some do, but it's more work.

It's easy enough to find walking puke looking IRL but in the ether of the internet it's easier for them to find targets.

That's strictly my opinion but it just feels like iviting more crap-brains than average. However, results may vary