BDSM and Codependence

BDSM and Codependence

VictorKingston{I&A} • Jan 12, 2023

Evening all,

So here's a fun discussion topic. D/s relationships result in stronger emotional connection than other relationships. Those in long term dynamics know the depths to which emotional waters flow between people.

Question though, has anyone found that they lend themselves to a stronger form of codependence or cause it to occur more quickly? The basis of some of these relationships of course is a form of dependance on another person.

So, have you found this is something that happens more easily or does the enhanced communication of a D/s dynamic offer some sort of protection against this behavior?

Miki • Jan 12, 2023

Interesting take.. but with all due respect I never saw anything stronger in a D/s dynamic from a vanilla one. But that's just me.

balloonkotinsp • Jan 13, 2023

I would think that would be the case. If you're emotionally connected on a deeper.level, you'll more than likely be more co dependent . It seems to go hand in hand. Not always of course. Hi Miki.

MasterBear​(other butch) • Jan 14, 2023

Absolutely these relationships do.
Because the power balance reinforces this.
A D type interested in unhealthy control can create all sorts of "protocols" that legitimize and seem to validate codependency.

Estaria​(sub female) • Jan 18, 2023

Speaking from a noob point of view here, but I am a naturally co-dependent person. My entire life all I've been told is how unhealthy it is, how I shouldn't act that way, I need to fix something about myself because I have the need to depend on my person. I understand to people that do not want that it would seem a bit much, so I have hidden that side of me my whole life. I have been in vanilla relationships where I have had to force myself not to depend on my person and it just causes all sorts of internal wars with myself and results in an unhappy person.

One of the massively important parts to a bdsm d/s dynamic for me was....wait, someone would WANT that from me? Someone would be okay with me needing that from them? Not only that but they would be happy to give me what I need or want in that department? For me it's always centered on the relationship I want to have with my future dom, the bond, the ability to need him and not be made to feel like it's wrong. Vanilla people have always kind of felt I was a bit much when I try to let that side of me out, I know I am...that's just me. The sexual side is extra fun for me, but the bond...the needing. Although, I tend to think of it was being interdependent because I would hope my dom needed me as much as I need him. Don't know if you were specifically asking about codependency where it is typically unequal and puts one person above the other. I always thought of me and my dom being equals and putting the same effort in, wanting each other to be equally happy, etc.

gillesderais​(sub male) • Jan 18, 2023

Codependency, to me, means not having clear boundaries between what I want and need and what my partner wants and needs. In codependency we are enmeshed and we can't realise that it's ok for our partner to feel differently from how we want them to feel. We have an underdeveloped sense of self. I don't see how a kinky relationship is any more likely to lead to codependency personally, often because boundaries are clearly set in kink in advance

missusK​(sub female) • Jan 18, 2023

Codependence is not the same as interdependence.
codependency means that one person relies on another for everything. Their personal value, worth, emotions, etc. They give up their idea of self for another's approval, even if it oversteps their boundaries. It is an unequal relationship, and not in a power exchange way.
Interdependency respects each person as a valuable member, separate from each other, but sees them coming together for dual contribution and reward. In this type of dependence, each person has the ability to operate autonomously, but choose not too.
Codependence is unhealthy, even in a D/s or M/s dynamic. One person will always rely on the other, and will feel insecure, anxious and likely idealize their partner, even to their own detriment.
Interdependence will display, outwardly, a healthier dynamic as the couple (throuple, etc) involved will feel a deeper connection. Their lives will be attached and intertwined, but they'll have ability to function independently. They'll work on goals together and separate, and respect each others limitations, boundaries and desires.
Even in the best D/s or M/s dynamic, this should be the goal. That's why we vet.

Hope that helps.

Purple Freesia • Feb 12, 2023

The best resource I have found regarding codependency is a book called; codependency no more ....

And from my understanding codependent rely on someone else for their identity and self worth.

Very dangerous aspects especially if someone uses those aspects against them to gain power and control.