A Serious Question

A Serious Question

acronymboy • Mar 21, 2023

This is a serious question and I hope I find the right words to ask it so it will be taken seriously. I also hope it is appropriate for me to be posting and asking here.

I’ve read several threads that showed the frustration people feel for the interactions they’ve had with submissives. In a nutshell, they spoke of how submissives seem self-minded, thinking of themselves only ... or at least that’s how they come off. And this can lead to a standard reputation for all.

This is confusing and problematic for me, as I’m sure it is for a lot of people. Femdom, by loose definition, is about the woman being in control ... about the woman having dominance over her sub.

Some women have stated it so firmly as to say: “It’s all about me.”

And that got me thinking ...... a lot.

I asked myself – What is the most important thing?

Her?
Her satisfaction, be it physically or mentally or in some other way?
Her fetishes, should she have any?
My fetishes?
The connection, that dynamic shared?
The bond that attaches and combines and compels everything?
The co-existence, making a whole of two halves?
The balance of life in general, the entire relationship and all it entails?
The respect?

I’ve always sort of put them all together. But perhaps I shouldn’t.

So I asked myself another question - Should my fetishes go away? Might that be the key to not allowing myself to ever become self-minded, to not think of my needs first ... if at all?

I am most curious as to what others think. Not so much what you think Femdom means. I’m most interested in hearing your personal take on it all.

So finally ... the serious question:

What is the key to avoiding a self-minded reputation?

Please be honest, to the point of cruelty and beyond. Sometimes a straightforward answer is how we learn best.

DaddyXX • Mar 21, 2023

Im old....and have 'grown' over the years..enough to learn that no one can be truly categorized..altho I ama Dom..I have had 'close' relationships with Femdoms..2 professional...both were 50+...and of course have known younger Femdoms...each age group is 'usually' VERY different..and puts values in a relationship in completely different orders...a 30 yr old should not be compared with a 55 yr old..assuming they both have same years of experience<which is usually impossible! You are trying to quantify the impossible.

acronymboy • Mar 21, 2023

I wouldn't say I'm quantifying the impossible. I'm asking for people's opinions.

"I am most curious as to what others think. Not so much what you think Femdom means. I’m most interested in hearing your personal take on it all. "

acronymboy • Mar 21, 2023

But you do raise a good point. Different generations, typically but not stereotypically, see it different ways.

OutAndAbout​(dom male) • Mar 21, 2023

First, I need to qualify this as OPINION, just sharing my personal thoughts. I'm going to use Dom for both male or female, no offense. I wasn't entirely clear on your post when you shift from submissives to Femdom. So, I hope my answer applies to your question correctly.

I think that in the situation you're giving, that the sub achieves satisfaction in the act of service. IMHO, a good domme or dom would know their sub and make sure their needs or wants are met to ensure a continuing relationship.

This is where most Doms fail, because holding the leash has responsibilities of its own. We can satisfy our selfish wants and often that does the same for the sub. As a Dom myself, it is my responsibility to keep the sub engaged and wanting to serve, I must know my sub and ensure that I'm meeting their needs as well.

The respect I give is to the submission, so it involves everything said above. Being in control means that we're going to be more self-oriented for many activities, not making decisions is appealing for some. But the connection, bond, or coexistence requires balance. I don't think putting them all together is wrong, but you also can't remove desires or needs from either party.

The most important thing is that the needs of both are being met, if you want to be successful. Selfishness or narcissism only goes so far. This is a fine line, similar to that of being confident vs conceited.

Miki​(masochist female) • Mar 21, 2023

You don't have to "give up" anything, but you have to realize that, as with any relationship/dynamic be it BDSM or "mainstream"-- it's a ll a crap shoot. Sometimes the stars align, so to speak and you come across that right, complimentary person, but the odds are often better you roll snake-eyes and have to star over.

Broad based definitions are, by a less formal definition, the broad brush. You'll cover more ground with such descriptions but leave a lot of areas unaccounted for. "You missed a spot" or a bunch of "spots" depending on how broad the brush is.

All-in-all, it depends on what you want, how you want to be treated and the desires and objectives of the other. The only way to find out is ask. If the answer sucks, keep looking. That applies to you and whomever you are seeking a relationship with. As I said, it's a crap shoot. Bring a lot of proverbial dice to the "table" and prepare to be patient.

.. and that's just my opinion. If it makes about as much sense as putting salt in your coffee or sugar on your french fries-- that's just me. Just home from work and late for the shower.

Best of Luck and.. do not be discouraged.

Sometimes first scents to reach your nose on a fine Spring day turn out to be cow shit the nearby farmer just laid on the field.

xfaex • Mar 21, 2023

I am going to concentrate in your question more than in your story, as I have 0 experience in Femdom and I don't actually care to try it.

What is the key to avoiding a self-minded reputation?
I don't give a crap about the reputation part, I care about the other part. so let me reformulate the question for you.

What is the key to avoid being self-minded?
I will try to answer in the best of my capacity, according to my worldview and experiences. this is my perspective on this particular question.
let the rant begin.

I believe the key to avoid being self minded, which I'm going to begin calling being selfish, is to go back to the basis of what BDSM is. so, fist question to ask yourself is "what is the most important thing in the bdsm lifestyle" my answer is consent, honesty, limits.

what is consent to me? it means asking someone verbally (speculation and perception are not consent) if they consent to what you want to do. you need to provide this person with a safe environment first of all, then make sure the person is in a clear state of mind to give you an appropriate answer. you also need to provide this person an environment where your question doesn't trigger any survival response, as that is not consent. So, for me, consent is express in the following formula:
Verbal question + safety - traumas -survival response = true consent.
you need to be honest with your question, be as clear as posible with what you want to archive and what you expect of the person you are asking. you need to know your kinks, your style and your after care system and explain to the other person so that they can see if you are what they are looking for in a Dom. the sub should do the same so you know if you are like minded individuals. then you set the limits and come to an agreement.

If you can live by those values be in the moments you practice bdsm or in all your decisions and actions, I think that is a way to begin a path that may take you to become a person that doesn't take advantage of others to satisfy your needs.

Humans are complex beings. Communications is key.

I actually don't know if that answers your question, I guess it doesn't, but I hope my perspective helps you.
Best regards.

Miss Anima​(dom female) • Mar 21, 2023

What is the key to avoiding a self-minded reputation?

Easy dont be self minded.

K y i v • Mar 21, 2023

In my experience it is not about kinks, lists or expectations.
It is two people connecting, in that rare way, that nothing matters but one another.

Steellover​(sub male) • Mar 21, 2023

To answer the question succinctly, I think it is different for every person, and it depends on what your goal is in the relationship. To me, it is: 1) the connection and shared dynamic, 2) the respect, and 3) the balance of life in general. And above all: 4) Her.

Fetishes are important- otherwise what you have is simply a domaneering or abusive partner; a form of Femdom/maledom without the kink or BDSM, so to speak. I have known people in this type of relationship. Most find it unpleasant. Unless, of course, there is that extra "spice." This falls in part with the first thing; the connection and shared dynamic.

The second thing is limits, what are yours, what are your partners, and basic communication, and this goes hand in hand with respect.

The third thing is, what are the expectations of the relationship? Do you want a 24/7 live in arrangement where you are a literal slave, or do you want a life balance where you commit to spending time with (and submitting to) your partner but still allow some "Me" time for friends, work, and your own personal hobbies. And is your need in this regard in alignment with the expectations of your dominant partner?

The last thing is, if you really care about someone, love someone, and want to be with someone, then you will focus on their needs- do those things you do to make someone smile. Because that, I believe, is the key to any romance, even a vanilla one.