BDSM

BDSM

zereaper • Apr 3, 2023

My wife was very into BDSM before we started dating and are now married. We've talked about it before and I've read and seen what she likes and what all this is.

Her biggest concern with me is that I won't understand the premise of what goes into it. I get the fun kinky stuff like toys and rope, but the mindset of being a dominant is lost to me. I really want to share this experience with her but I also don't want to disappoint her either.

QeD​(dom male) • Apr 18, 2023

First of all let me tell you that thinking about it carefully and considerate as you do is a good first step.

Not to disappoint you but being dominant is more then just a mindset. For me it is part of my personality and being.
I think what you elude to is the appeal and point of view a dominant has on his submissive and what else he sees besides the "fun kinky stuff".
But every dominant is different and has his own view on what about the control and power exchanges makes his heart burn.
Maybe you can start to figure out what it is she likes in you as a man and then extrapolate from there what positive masculine traits are associated with what she sees in you that you maybe dont value enough about yourself.
You cant just read a book or get 2 hints and become a dominant man but you can reflect, work on yourself and eventually find that unshakable confidence in yourself which will manifest the dominant energy she craves from you.

House Talion​(dom male) • Apr 18, 2023

You're given a gift wrapped with the finest paper all decked out with glitter and a bow. It's up to you what you do with it. Set it on a shelf to be enjoyed visually, remove each peice of tape to gently uncover what's inside, or tear it open like a child on Christmas.
The gift of coursenis your wife's submision and you should know by her fetishes exactly how best to approach the situation. Regauedlesz of what she may think of you, be the Dom she needs you to be and use every once and fiber of your very being to show her how much you appreciate this gift.

Going into any more detail than that would require a lot of back n forth messages that would help notify of what she may expect which in the end comes with explicit instructions that may be altered by yourself based kn how you veiw her probable reactions.

Solace​(dom male) • Apr 18, 2023

Welcome to the community and the lifestyle.

LIken your role toe captain of a ship. You are in charge of yourself and your crew. You make the decisions to steer the ship towards safety, security and happiness. You cannot flinch in the face of responsibility or the ship may crash and sink. Not knowing is not an excuse. You must be wise in setting the course forward especially in uncharted waters and must always obtain the best information available to chart said course. As a human mistakes will be made, but you must learn from them so they don't happen again. As the captain respect, diligence, patience are everything to you while excuses, impulsive behavior and complaints are not of your world.


To break from what some may view as unnecessary or improper metaphor everything depends on you. You are human though and this is a high responsibility and demanding role. Trying to step into to much too soon may burn you out. We have a term that applies here called "Dom burnout" I suggest you read up on it for your own benefit and how to avoid it. This is important because you must remain a healthy happy individual so your partner can reap the same. You cannot just give in your role, you must also take and enjoy benefits to make it worth your while. Another term you should look up to avoid is "topping from the bottom", as your partner may be prone to do and it will not benefit your dynamic. Just like in ballroom dancing, ladies must let the men learn to lead the dance.

The too long didn't read is that being a dominant is a cloak you wear always. Not just in sex. You are the CEO of you and your partner at all times. As House Talion suggests, find someone(s) to discuss these matters with. I will add my name to the list if you wish to message me and offer insight on subjects not proper here to discuss.

TopekaDom​(dom male) • Apr 20, 2023

I am not sure it is something that can be taught.

I have about 30 years in all this and I still find new faucets to the jewel of BDSM. But I will tell you what my viewpoint is:

It has nothing to do sex, or pain or discipline. It has to do with caring and molding and responsibility

and other crimes.

To me BDSM is a philosophy. It is a way of life. A s type comes to you for guidance. They have a path they need to walk and and this requires someone to lead them. If they stumble, it is your fault not theirs. They need to be built up and molded.

This takes a great deal of mental work. It also takes emotional work. That is why old school is a dying breed.

ErosRising​(dom male){Hekate} • Apr 21, 2023

Being a Dominant is a way of your natural being. There is something that your wife saw in you that drew her to you to begin with. What was it?

My advice would be to find someone that can mentor you, and help you to bring out the side of you that is the Dominant / Non-Toxic Masculine. Being a Dom is not about barking orders or just getting your submissive to do what you want. It is about coming up from underneath your sub and helping her to become the best version of herself. It is about showing them your unconditional love in a Masculine way. The Kink stuff aside, it takes work and self evaluation / Self Awareness.

It Takes a lot of communication, patience, and trust. you have a head start being that you are already married. Again, the best thing that you can do, other than researching what a Dominant is, is to find some one or some Dom's that are willing to mentor you. I was mentored, as well as most of the older school Doms out there. We didn't just snap our fingers and poof..... "I am a Dom!!" LOL

I will also throw my hat in the ring and say that if you want to learn, and you are serious about it, feel free to message me.

~Eros

zereaper • May 4, 2023

I appreciate all the feedback and support. We have dove pretty deep into this already and things are going extremely well. I am happy how our marriage and Dom/Sub relationship has developed. We have our rules and punishments agreed upon and have been going at a fairly fast pace.

Nothing has been too overwhelming and I am learning a lot about myself as much as I am about her and her needs. It has become very much a nurturing relationship and I take care of her almost like you would a child (without the actual age-play). We are working together and improving on things as we go.

There are plenty of things we plan on trying in the future but what we have now feels to be best for the both of us as a married couple.

Azzabackam​(switch male){PawPawGirl} • May 5, 2023

As others have generally said, this is something very personal and unique to each individual.

What it *means* to be a Dom depends on you. If it's just a role you play to satisfy your wife's needs, that's perfectly valid and really all you need. You're no less of a Dom than anyone else if that's all it means to you.

That being said, if you want to dig in deeper to have a better understanding of what this means for most, there are a few universal aspects that most share.

The first is responsibility. The vast majority of Doms are people that are not only comfortable, but fulfilled by bearing responsibility. A sub puts a great deal of trust in their Dom, and their Dom bears the responsibility of not letting them down. For example, subs that are into the really, *really* extreme depths of bondage (I mean the harsh whipping, blood drawing, rough fucking, tight bonds type of bondage) trust that their Dom will perform these acts with a level of intensity to meet their needs, and a level of control to not let them get too hurt, at the same time. Subs that yield a more lifestyle control (such as letting their Doms control what they eat, what they wear, what they're allowed to do, etc.) trust that their Doms will have daily plans ready, will set out a healthy diet, will have their outfits picked out for every day, etc. While the type of responsibility will vary from one to another, almost every Dom will have the taking of responsibility come into play in their dynamic, and to most, this is something they themselves want, or at least treat with a great deal of importance.

The second is respect. Respect, like, the literal word, can mean a lot of different things, but in this context I mean the definition of "recognizing the non-physical boundaries set in place by other people, and abstaining from crossing them without consent". Limits are set in place so that all parties understand what is and is not allowed, and the party that is in direct control of a scene (typically a Dom) has to have respect for those limits. When your partner is chained to a bed and helpless before you, you've (hopefully) talked beforehand about what she does and does not consent to you doing to her while she's there. It's your duty as a Dom to respect those rules. Even if nothing is physically stopping you from doing whatever, it's important to respect the lines drawn in the sand around what is and is not allowed.

Miki • May 7, 2023

Keeping it simple. I have no clue as to the nuts and bolts to being a "successful" dominant. One thing for sure.. There's no Official gospel of dominants. Like already written, it's in you, how you carry yourself and relate to others, not just subs. That you're analyzing it means you wish to improve. That is encouraging.. Certainly a cut above the hairy-knuckles crowd who have a dominating personality but think they shit KFC gravy (that is legendary stuff, though) and snarl, "Kneel, Sub!"

But one thing is important to not overlook: Don't over-analyze it. You'll wind up conjuring up "solutions in search of a problem"---- Also... don't worry about disappointing your wife. I tend to think she'd be disappointed if you did not confide / share your journey with her.


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Aaaaaand remember... TopekaDom 's post... He is 30 years into this and still "finding faucets"...

Plumbers... Even when they're crammed under the most sadistic kitchen sinks ever imagined, they always have a smile for ya.


[JK-- I know it was a typo-- or autocorrect. Autocorrect blows, Man!]