The finesse.

The finesse.

TalentedOptimist​(dom male){open} • Feb 1, 2018

1. The game:
Dom/sub dynamics.

2. The roster:
Standing at 5’11, army vet, successful in my professional and dating life. Been in the scene about 7 years from Germany to Australia and the US. With respect to a subs limits, I can teach in areas of behavior modification, life planning, physical fitness, rope play, power exchange, orgasm control and denial. The list goes on.

3. The glory days:
Having just gotten back from the states, I’ve realized that the age of tech assisted instant convenience has hijacked the dating scene. Here’s the kicker. Dating isn’t simple, but it’s easy (to fail, succeed or fall blindly into a situationship).
Dynamics are simple but they aren’t easy because of the requirements. People seem to want to sell themselves while having forgot how to express themselves. Remind yourself and own that shit.

4. The site assessment:
Roving the site, women run into douche bags. Men seem to run into flakes and gold diggers. Although I will say if you’re new and/or cruising and having fun. Welcome to the party. For those of you making waves, meeting people and sticking to the core basics, I salute you.

5. The sage advice:

Finding partners: first fix your attitude. Does what you want, and how you approach things have a positive outcome for you and the other person?
for doms and subs, for god sakes stop with the one liners and ghost profiles. Finish a bare bones bio, post pictures of yourself (Hide your face if you like, just give the basics, pic =1000 words remember). Get out there and engage. For females getting notes from creepers, copy and paste this whole page as your response.

Back to those with no pictures, Who here bought anything on amazon where the product had no picture or description?
Take five minutes to show some effort and then hold your level of effort and engagement as a standard for those you choose to be with. I only move up and on. Never down or backward.

For the newbies: Know your shit: before you dive neck deep into any scene, know where you are in life mentally, physically and financially. Your communication style, love languages, problem solving vs solution finding skills, be honest with yourself about your level of work ethic. Turn ons, turn offs. These are components of you and factors that will determine your reaction to certain aspects of this dynamic.

For doms: you mother fuckers need to know WHY you are dominant and how you will implement tactics and methods to produce the best result. If you’re trying to vent negative emotions from a bad childhood/breakup/life loss, then you need to own that and find someone who’s down with that scene. Don’t click bait someone into some bullshit.

If you’re broke, emotionally immature, out of shape and/or a bully. You need to learn responsibility of yourself before imposing your will and SENSE of responsibility on someone else. So, READ (with a grain of salt) any book written by Oprah, help babysit, do community service, do SOMETHING that will challenge you to balance communication, responsibility, affection and work ethic in a contained environment. See a financial counselor, work out, eat right, research successful relationships and heed advice from both doms and subs.

For my successful, driven and ambitious female subs who want advice on how to differentiate between being a kick ass woman at work and being a sub at home:

Everyone is different, so this is just my two cents. Don’t detach. Engage. before you try to differentiate your modes and moods for different environments, you need to know what kind of car you’re driving.

Once again, Dating isn’t simple but it’s easy. Dynamics aren’t easy but they are simple when engaged in the right manner. You don’t detach. You just flow. Like when you’re vocal and assertive at work, I imagine you change tones between co workers, boss and customers. Not just your tone but also your mindset of your expectations of aforementioned parties and your ability to produce results, engage and communicate effectively.

Work with doms who specialize with behavior modification, not personality modification so you’ll be free to be yourself, probably more so than any other area of life, in a dynamic that you have established your own guidelines and expectation alongside our roles.

Also as a safety measure, if you find a single dom/domme , ask to talk with someone who knows that side of him or her. Get an idea of how this person operates.

Be open to new things. Be mindful of your talents. Be optimistic for the future. I missed a lot of stuff. But I think I made a good point.

Lucia​(sub female){not lookin} • Feb 1, 2018

In defense of folks who won't put up pictures (also yours appears to be a drawing although you seem to be saying that others- I assume subs- need to put up real photographs). It's not about lack of "effort". There are real reasons.

1) This site is not private. Nonmembers can view everything on it, they just can't interact. https://thecage.co/phpBB/viewtopic.php?t=488 The mindset of the staff and many experienced kinkster users who seem to consider themselves leaders here is that everyone who can't offer full "transparency" (a word thrown around like the word of God) must be fakes or cowards who aren't ready for kink. This mindset comes from those lucky enough to live a life where they can be generally open about kink. That's a privilege, unfortunately, that not everyone has, and it has nothing to do with how real a person is. Some of us would really suffer in our lives if our kink were to get out- sometimes just with embarrassment and shaming (not self-shame, you understand, but dealing with a major hit to social standing) but some with career damage, lost relationships with friends and family and religious community, and increased experience of violent sexual harassment in life because of small-minded understanding of kink. So any picture, even faceless, that could be recognized by someone in your real life- esp when combined with a detailed profile making clear who you are and showing location- could be dangerous. It's funny that some kinksters act threatened by folks who are private, when the rest of us are private because we feel threatened by sharing. If you personally don't like interacting with folks who are private at first, great, don't, but our presence here does not threaten the foundation of your community, I promise.

2) There are still some folks in the world generally nervous of all picture and information sharing over the Internet because it's kind of scary. Old fashioned, rube, Luddite, hillbilly? First of all, yes thank you, I am! Still a real person who's serious about kink, though. But seriously, to some the whole idea of profile pictures being reviewed as a basis for interaction is frightening and impersonal and not fitting with their (personal) view of respectful social interaction. You yourself said: "People seem to want to sell themselves while having forgot how to express themselves". To my mind, and the mind of many who don't use Tinder or frequent the Internet in places where you talk to strangers, putting pictures first is a shining example of that mindset. I am saying this with all respect to those who are frequent social media users and feel differently- I won't call your social norms fake if you don't call mine fake, but be aware that out of necessity there are still folks around using the Internet for kink who tend to function with non-Internet social norms, which means that sharing pictures with someone we've never met is a big deal and a very strange thing to be doing. Reading your post it doesn't feel like you give that same respect back to folks who do it differently than you. You are informing everyone they must have pics up. Have a mindset that gives different strokes permission to share your space, please!

3) There IS a real phenomenon of publicly available pictures (again, that's what Cage profile pics are) being copied and just used in random ads, articles, and weird shit. Not necessarily sexual and not necessarily in conjunction with the posters' identity, but to many it would still be devastating and terrifying to find their smiling face in a corner pop-up ad (and yes, I know real folks this has happened to and have a friend who works in an Internet security business who sees it all the time, so hillbilly though I am I am not pulling these fears out of my ass).

4) There is also a concern of specific personal hacking- not financial thieving, but folks who would hack an account if they liked a picture, looking for more pictures and access to email and real names. Kink outing, revenge porn, "look at this kinky slut" hacked into your Twitter type of shit. Sometimes in these situations phone numbers and addresses get released and real safety is threatened in addition to the inundation of online shaming and rape threats. Maybe more to women/subs, but in some folks' mind putting up a picture (esp the more recognizable it is) seems just as dangerous as putting up your name- pictures no matter how tame of someone identifying as a submissive woman are an invitation to a certain type of asshole who is always lurking on the Internet. Might as well forget The Cage and just reorient your FB for kink. Most of us are here because we can't do that, that's why sites like this exist. Assuming TalentedOptimist is not on your birth certificate, you obviously understand some of these types of concerns and just haven't thought about what pictures can mean to some folks. No one's calling you out for not putting up your full name here. I'm not personally that knowledgeable about Internet security- not that smart- but due to extreme privacy concerns after a bad experience, I have my computer protected by my aforementioned friend the professional nerd () and he said the protections on The Cage from attacks like this are medium-light and advised me to open my Cage account with a secondary email address not linked to my social media and never to use it to share pictures. If I want to send pictures to a friend here I will move our conversation to a different medium. Trust me, the heightened caution I now put into using social media after my bad experience is NOT an unwillingness to put in effort; it's quite the opposite. In a world where everyone who doesn't overshare is assumed to be hiding something, I put in double the effort to prove myself as real while constantly terrified, deciding every time I even type a friend here an anecdote about my life if I'm giving away information that could lead to my identity before I'm ready. (And to be clear, the entirety of my opinions on the subject do not stem from my bad personal experience- I know for a fact shit like this is more common than a lot of folks like to talk about.)

5) Some folks (not just subs and women) view the sharing of pictures as an earned stage in the relationship. It's a common way of viewing the appropriate progression of an online BDSM relationship- a type of early negotiations for new potential partners. I like you, I trust you, now let me show you a picture as a starter demonstration of trust. Fairly accepted style of online dating. Obviously that's not how you view things when you talk about "effort", and that's fine, but again I don't think it was necessary for you to make a forum post asserting that pics are a required to be taken seriously on the site. Honestly, this post just makes you sound like you're upset you don't get to see more pictures of women when you peruse The Cage. I have friends here who don't have pics up that have started wonderful relationships here, so obviously it's not a piece of "sage advice" everyone needs to take. Just keep only seeking partners with pics for yourself and let the rest of us keep on keepin' on.

6) It seems that pictures are important to you because what you call "being in shape" is important to you. Not true for everyone here, so lots of folks don't need pictures to decide to talk to someone. Some are sapiosexual, some have specific needs/fetishes that mean conventionally "attractive" faces/bodies aren't what they're seeking, and some just kind of don't care that much.

7) That's for potential relationships; also there are lots of folks here interested, even SOLELY interested, in just making friends, so we don't all need to approve pictures back and forth before having a pleasant chat. I'm talking to platonic friends here (s and D-types) about kink, philosophy, my favorite books, and gardening strategies. They didn't need my picture to verify that I was worth having those conversations with.

Just some things for you to think about. And anyone else- especially subs- who reads this and thinks they need to put a pic up, please don't worry about it.

Asteria​(neither female) • Feb 1, 2018

Or maybe we should just start being demanding and have expectations towards ourselves first, then towards other people, and let them do whatever rocks their boats, what do you think @TalentedOptimist?

I agree with @Lucia. Security comes first, and not only in places like The Cage. While creating nice, reasonable profile is a good thing and makes communication easier, posting pictures is a personal decision and should be accepted by the others. Not everyone here can display themselves in explicit way. And while I post pictures of myself here, I am also pretty careful with what I do and what I share (not to mention that those pictures are part of more complex play between me and my Dominant).
I can’t run around in my purple collar, even if I would really love to do that, simply because I have to take into account things like my career, friends and many more.

And, for me, sometimes words are much more important than pictures. One can look like a million dollars but have very little to say...

Villanelle​(staff) • Feb 1, 2018

The staff make no judgment on an individual's decision to keep personal details private..or not. We want the site to be open and welcoming, but also understand that complete transparency isn't always possible or desired. Most of all, we want you to feel comfortable and at home.

As I state in the Magazine post about privacy,

"We will be offering more tools as we go along that will help to control your privacy, including options to limit viewing of blog posts and your profile to registered users, friends, or to go completely private. "

So more privacy options are coming to give you more control about who sees what.

TalentedOptimist​(dom male){open} • Feb 1, 2018

1. I agree that privacy, security, and discretion are important. People are free to do as they like. I’m not handing down orders from the third Reich. I noticed lacking profiles, one liner messages, and stories of disappointment. And we call everyone of those a sapiosexual who is just being cautious with their personal information? Uh....no can do.
2. My picture has a filter. It’s not a drawing. Some people like it. Some don’t. I had a diving pic with me smiling, apparently that wasn’t “dom” enough for others. With that said, im fine with my experiences, I’ve been on scene for years and on this site a week. I honestly don’t know how to respond to people who respond to people concerns with attacks on insecurities or self worth. I was debating impressions and responsibility.
3. “Looking for _____ now.” A one line with a blank bio. Don’t care how you put it, that’s lame. Took 5 seconds, no effort, no ingenuity, nothing for a sapiosexual to attach a thought to.
4. I never once said hillbilly or prude. Don’t align my words with your opinion and then argue against a phrase I never said in a context I never meant. That’s disrespectful.
5. Almost 4 paragraphs dedicated to pictures. I understand that people have differing tastes and interests. I understand the need for discretion. I wrote my post after going through the blogs and ads of both sides of the dynamic and this is my impression. The picture for me wasn’t as big of a deal as the attitudes, bad experience stories and the impression I get from some people on here. For me a profile is complete thing. Bio/pic/something about the person. Like looking at a city. Infrastructure/people/utilities. It’s a package deal that I noticed was lacking. So talk all you want about what does it for you. I’m talking about myself here. Challenge or accept it, but do no attempt to belittle or disregard. If it meant that little, you wouldn’t have answered.

As for the privilege of being out, I chose talented optimist because I like the moniker. But for those who would call me a hypocrite, I’m Derrin. But talented Derrin or Derrin the optimist just didn’t have the same ring. We good?

Now for hacking. The site is public, if you used an email attached to a bank account, Facebook, your phone or a payment service, then you can be found by anyone committed enough. Yes the site has an https extension, app firewall and SSL. Let’s move on.

Maybe I do come off as a little cocky. I’m confident enough to admit if I make mistakes but never afraid to call it how I see it. This is how I see it. Laziness, confusion, and paranoia will never be adequate substitutes for intelligence and awareness.

Did anyone see anything they could possible agree with? Or is everything I said based on insecurity, disrespectful of others and/or completely not based in reality?

MissBonnie​(dom female){oz} • Feb 3, 2018

I did one read one thing that I will agree with you whole heartily "for doms and subs, for god sakes stop with the one liners and ghost profiles."
Some days I want to get rant~y over it but know its just the way it is now....

I often wonder how much communication is lost due to mobile phone use (maybe a reason for txt speak and one liners??they have become our normal) Maybe I'm just getting old and jaded, I am a pre interent, pre cell phone Domme LOL
Lately I feel everything online seems over run by the need for instant gratification. It has to be fast. Half the fun is getting to know a sub or Dom/me. Whats the saying? its not the destination, its the journey. The rush always seems on to get to the tingly bits. Me, I want to engage my mind first, then hell yeah bring on the tingle.

Profiles (not targeting this site, I am being general) seem to be throw away. It can seem, If a profile has no instants effect or luck it seem they move on to another reinvented profile without a care. Abandoning the old one, often without even closing it. I wonder if they discard the profile so fast, how they treat the ones in their lives if they dont pan out *shrugs*. Makes you wonder about our real numbers out there.

Often after being around a site for awhile you see and notice similarities in the profiles, pics and writing style where your pretty sure its a re invent of the same person. I know sites I moderate on, its not rare for some to have multiple profiles. I like open honesty, our lifestyle is built on it. I like to think a person is who and what they say they are (till proven else what!). I get some choose to play fantasy roles online or sometimes you switch and might need to two profiles. I get some times people screw up and need a fresh start..what I dont get is not learning from your actions. Do one liners really work? if they did is it real? is the person on the other end real? Men often play women to get cyber, its nothing new in the Femdom world. Are you even sure you cybered a Female?. What I dont get is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result. if its not working with one profile or the one liners. Maybe ask yourself why?

I know the one liners and ghosts will continue to happen. We deal with them. They are (unfortunately) part of the lifestyle. We do have choices to reply or not and sites now have ignore buttons... ..doesn't mean we cant vent about them Thanks for the vent. Its nice to wash off a little of my jade color and try again.

MissBonnie​(dom female){oz} • Feb 3, 2018

Do'h!
Damn it!
I really need to check before I post if a person has taken their bat and ball home. (second time this week LOL)
Funny the topic is about just what he did ....gotta love the irony in that.

TalentedOptimist​(dom male){open} • Feb 4, 2018

“In the quiet words of the Virgin Mary, come again?”
—Bricktop

MissBonnie​(dom female){oz} • Feb 5, 2018

hey great to see you back! (and she learns LOL she checked you didn't disappear again)

TalentedOptimist​(dom male){open} • Apr 30, 2018

@MissBonnie

Hey,

I took a job overseas and have been away for a spell. Let me get back to you on your post. Thank you for leveling with me about the ghosts and one liners.

For the discretion people, I saw an interesting trend on collarspace, subs and doms are using pictures that look like them but aren't them for their profiles. The actual text part were in depth and engaging, it was interesting.
I met 2 subs in Toronto under this guise. They told me up front about the pics not being them but similar to themselves, then we went on to have some pretty random conversations about theater and ended up at my place just relaxing and talking about socioeconomic factors in south Africa. next week we started fleshing out the dom/sub dynamic and it was AMAZING>

As for the destiny vs the journey bit. I hate small talk, head games and wasting time. I too desire engagement, trust building, tension, warming up, and so on. But not at the expense of exhaustive conversations with no end game, substance or relative value to what either me or my sub would want to accomplish.
That said, I understand the notion to dislike people who just want to rush into getting what they want. I think that this attitude stems from our entire modern lifestyle, not just online. EVERYTHING is almost instant with just a button and phone call. amazon, groceries, fast food, uber, prostitutes, movies.............basically if everything in your life is based on convenience it would be easy to see the correlation of how people approach relationships and dynamics.

That level of expectation to get just what you want in a package deal when you want it.
Funny thing is I read your post last when I was in a uber and had this "holy shit" moment