How to Have Hard BDSM Conversations

How to Have Hard BDSM Conversations

GloriaBrame • May 5, 2023

Negotiating Change in BDSM Relationships
Sooner or later in kinky relationships, you will feel the time has come to address something that’s been bothering you about the path you’re on. Maybe you’re not getting enough BDSM play. Perhaps your partner’s attitude has changed. There may even be changes to the relationship already in motion that you’re queasy about.

You know what that means. It’s time for a hard conversation.

As tough as it can be for conventional couples to calmly work through change, power relationships add layers of complexity. Power is the thing! How do you ethically maintain the power balance during a negotiation? There are universal anxieties we all share about having a tough conversation with someone we care about. What if it ends up in a devastating fight? Your partner could interpret your need to sort out certain problems as personal criticism. These possibilities may make you worry that everything could fall apart.

If you’re a dom who believes it is your job to protect your sub’s feelings, you may not want to rattle their cage. Conversely, I’ve worked with many, many subs who fear that asking the dom to accommodate new needs is disloyal.

Such fears lead to people simply not dealing with it! We avoid *that* conversation altogether and let things stew inside. This is a huge mistake, particularly in kink, where clarity and team effort are signs of a healthy relationship.

Never assume that your original contract was written in stone. It’s an unrealistic expectation. The only way you can improve a power relationship and get more of what you need as you grow older (and wiser, one hopes) is by speaking your truth and renegotiating mutual boundaries.

Power Dynamics and Confronting Relationship Problems
As often happens in relationships, we all worry about the proverbial “upsetting the applecart.” No matter if it’s got some rotten apples that need rooting out, we can easily become complacent, and rationalize that the misery we know is better than a new type of misery.

Yet, wherever a power exchange exists, there will likely be moments where the power dynamic shifts. You may feel you should have certain rights with your partner but life’s circumstances mitigate your ability to act on those rights. For example, if a top gets sick, they may not be able to be fully in charge, and the bottom may have to make decisions that would otherwise belong to the dominant. Similarly, if a bottom becomes ill, doms may find themselves picking up the chores that the sub normally handles. And that’s just the tip of the iceberg.

Bottom line: as life changes, so must power relationships. If you’re having trouble starting that conversation, it’s time to get back to some basics.

Check out 5 BDSM Consent Skills to get started.

How to Have Hard BDSM Conversations With Confidence
The most successful kink relationships are the ones that can adapt to change. The secret sauce in managing change is having the conversations that matter before things build to a breaking point. Frequent dialogue about the little things that bother one or both of you is important. So too are frequent reviews of boundaries and expectations.

Use my tips below to get started.

Prep Yourself for a Deep Talk
Prepping means that you bring an emotional toolkit with you to work on your relationships. This four-point guide will keep you on an even keel.

1. Pack An Emotional Tool Kit
Sobriety – never have a serious conversation when you’re high or exhausted. You need your wits about you so you can say what you mean to say and listen with your heart and mind.

Well-Being – The better you feel the more mental energy you will have. If you are physically run down, you won’t have the right mental energy to engage with an open heart. It’s better to wait an extra day than to do into a talk already feeling vulnerable, whether from lack of sleep, PMS, a headache, a hangover, illness, or anything else that interferes with your mood.

Conviction – Start the conversation by acknowledging that it is crucial to the longevity and health of the relationship. Make sure your partner understands that you believe making change is the way to protect both sides’ interests. Let them know that this is key to you both aligning your needs today and in the future.

Kindness – Did you know that raising your voice, insulting your partner, or making sarcastic remarks achieve NOTHING? Well, maybe not nothing (as any divorce lawyer can attest), but certainly nothing good! Respect the value of what you are doing. Don’t degrade it with petty arguments. This is a conversation in which two consenting adults are trying to achieve something wonderful: a new level of understanding and emotional intimacy. None of that is possible if you get aggressive or demeaning. So stay positive, stay calm, and be kind!

2. Set One Goal
Go in with ONE GOAL: to work out one specific thing. Focus on that. Don’t bring all the old baggage, don’t create a litany of complaints, and don’t set unrealistic relationship goals. Focus on the single most important change you want to see. If you have multiple changes, then parse them out over a period of time and a series of conversations.

Try these to help you stay on track.

Don’t say “I need to talk to you,” say “I’d like us to talk about *a specific topic*

Don’t say, “I know how you’ll feel,” say “I’d like to know how you feel about *a specific topic*

Don’t say, “I don’t really know how to put this.” Wait until you do know how to put it! Start the conversation when you have a clear idea about the specific change you’d like to see.

3. Make Your Point and Stick To It
See above. Pick your battle. Know what you need to say before you say it. Then stick to that point until you know you have been fully heard and understood.

Sometimes a partner will try to deflect to change the topic. Be patient. They’re nervous too!

Don’t forget that your partner may have a completely different version of the truth in their head. It will take effort for them to be able to see your point, and during that time they may act skittish. Their fear does not negate the importance of re-negotiating the terms of your relationship.

Negotiation is not a magic bullet, it’s a process. The success of that process depends on a wide range of variables. It’s possible you may both agree this is a necessary conversation but it’s just as possible they receive your thoughts with anxiety, even hostility. That doesn’t mean they can’t change. It means they may need time to make the change.

If you manipulate or bully someone into making change for your sake, you’re going in the wrong direction. Instead, frame your point in different ways until they understand the value of doing this as a team. Think of it as a quest, and expect the unexpected. Always keep in mind that the other human in this dynamic may push back because they’re fearful of change. So juice up the warmth, remind them how much this relationship means to you, and — most importantly — let them express themselves and LISTEN to their concerns.

4. Negotiate
Stop speaking from your role and speak from your heart. This is someone you genuinely care about and your goal is to get your relationship on a healthier path, a path that aligns with your current realities.

If you never negotiated boundaries and expectations, you are long overdue for that conversation. Did you learn as you evolved that you need new kinds of fetish or play scenes? Have you discovered that you are poly? Or trans/nonbinary? Perhaps you’d like to add someone (or subtract someone) from your kinky household. Get out your negotiation hat. The time to talk is NOW. Do not present them with a fait accompli, and leave them to cope with it alone. That is a sign that you don’t respect them enough to listen to their point of view before you make a big change. If you genuinely don’t care how they receive your needs, or they don’t care how you do, you should not be in that relationship at all.

Do you know who wins a negotiation when one side is unhappy? Nobody. That’s right. It’s a lose/lose situation. A successful long-term power dynamic depends on your ability to have those hard conversations. So keep negotiating, find a compromise all parties can believe in, and respect the process!

How to Have Hard BDSM Conversations and Thrive
That first big conversation will lead to other ones throughout your lives together. The power of nonjudgmental and forward-looking conversations helps you both mature in the relationship. That deepens the bond between you because now you are growing together, not apart!

So, if there’s a conversation you need to have, don’t avoid it. Use my guide to navigate tough talks. Your ability to renegotiate terms when necessary will help your relationship thrive.

Finally, a word to the wise: if your partner will not renegotiate terms, it’s time either to see a therapist or end the relationship. Remember that people naturally evolve. Ultimately, their relationships will either mirror those personal evolutions or perish.

copyright@GloriaBrame 2023 https://gloriabrame.com all rights reserved

creidsinn • May 6, 2023

I do think that, sometimes, submissives find it harder to break the submissive mindset in order to have these conversations. I know that I need to seriously meditate myself out of slave headspace to have a conversation I may see as disrespectful to my master. I can and do, but it’s more than communicating; sometimes, it’s getting into a headspace that allows me to speak forthrightly. 24/7 master slave relationships are intense but rewarding and I love it. I think the ‘hard conversations are so very important. I negotiate a physical item, a coin for instance, to be given to the master. This indicates a need to talk person to person and not master to slave. It works beautifully for me.

Miki • May 6, 2023

It's very important.. as might be covered above but I answer for myself... when a serious talk is in order, both must take themselves outside the dynamic. Talk, negotiate, whatever as human beings of equal standing.

After all, these arrangements / dynamics are a deep type of role-play. It's strictly voluntary. In the outside world both have equal rights and responsibilities under the law and none of this is binding on the other. No "contract" is legal.

Tackle the differences or other things that have to be talked over from this perspective.

aPeepingMom​(sub female) • May 6, 2023

Someone recently suggested having these conversations on a figurative “front porch”, a place where titles and protocol take a back seat.

If the relationship is primarily online or long distance and most of your convos happen over phone or text, then the front porch could be another chat app or in DMs here.

If the relationship is in-person, then it could be a literal front porch, or the driveway, a park, etc.

It’s just a neutral location where your dynamic doesn’t normally live. I really like the idea of saying “Sir, I’d like to talk about XYZ on the front porch.”

B L O N D I E​(sub female) • May 6, 2023

I agree with the previous comments regarding having hard conversations in a neutral location and for the dynamic to be suspended. For myself personally, I actually find it easier to both initiate and hold these conversations when I'm on my knees in front of the person standing or sitting above me. It makes me feel more secure and greatly reduces the chances that the person will take offense or see my remarks as disrespectful. It reduces the tension and ensures that the exchange doesn't turn into a confrontation. It shows that I'm making my remarks in the spirit of the dynamic and not trying to overthrow the power disparity by making myself his equal. It also confirms that how this matter gets resolved is at his discretion and I'm ready to accept his opinion and decision on how to resolve it.

dollMaker​(dom male) • May 7, 2023

For myself, when the dynamic is more formal (it can be built in re less formal situations as well), and a signed contract/limits list forms part of it, building these review periods into that paperwork (monthly, every three months or when required) something both parties signs up to (literally) can help regarding reviewing the dynamic, limits etc. I would also suggest reviews after scenes where both parties can discuss the scene, how it went, etc. This might feel weird to start, but will feel more natural as time goes on.

If these elements are there right from the get go, are built in and signed up to then that helps because both parties know its part of the foundation of their dynamic, whatever shape or form that is.

Its vital these discussions, reviews, are conducted outside the dynamic roles, as equals, and D/s, M/s roles etc are dropped completely. Both parties must feel free to say whatever needs to be said, as open, honest and frank as is possible. I would suggest a structure to do this, and vital follow up and improvement, work to be done etc must also be built into what is to happen, otherwise why bother.

I think often people find these situations stressful and not everything gets discussed, renegotiated if its done ad hoc with no structure/frame work in place, and a written one can help, both parties writing down their thoughts, feelings etc - I also feel this is helpful when negotiating, creating a dynamic at the start.

Start as you mean to go on should make things easier, and built into the frame work, means both parties know what their responsibilities are regarding this, what to do, and how to do it. Sure it requires thought, input and creation at the beginning, but the value of this work will pay of later on as the dynamic grows.

I have done this in the past, and it has been helpful.

I'mME • May 8, 2023

I am in 100 % agreement with dollMaker.

In the beginning negotiations should take place in a neutral spot outside of the roles. Later negotiations should be the same way. One of main reasons is while in a dynamic there is the unequal power balance . Slice it, dice it, no power imbalance during negotiations .

Some submissives will still find it difficult to say a, b, c. And on the other side of this particular coin some Doms will find it difficult to hear that something may need to be tweaked a bit.

autisticbarbie • May 8, 2023

Really helpful post Gloria and other helpful comments as well.

I'm trying to work on my diplomacy, but as you mentioned, these conversations need to be had. Leaving the 'dynamic' during the convo and changing physical space are great ideas.

I'm blunt and if I don't confront the issues head on so we can move on, resentment festers and things get toxic. I'm hyper literal, so I love a good contract and direct conversation. While I need to work on my emotional intelligence (like tons), it's important to look for a partner with complementary communication styles. Having a difficult time figuring out how to do this online. In person, I can just shut my mouth and observe, meet their family and friends and slowly develop mutual respect and trust.

tallslenderguy​(other male) • May 8, 2023

@ GloriaBrame, thank you for sharing your experience and expertise with us.

i love your focus and emphasis on communication. i think that we largely fail when it comes to establishing communication as a foundation on which to build and sustain relationship.

To me, communication, and the resultant connection and bond that can result, is the essence of relationship. i'm convinced that a universal need/desire that both drives us to seek out relationship, is the need/desire for 'love.' i don't find many who would argue against that, yet defining and understanding what love is seems rare, and we instead seem to relegate love to a mysterious emotion that we "fall" into vs reasonably and cognitively pursue. i do believe we experience love emotionally, but think we shoot ourselves in the foot when we don't balance our emotions with reason.

i believe the precedent of "having the hard conversation" should be initiated as foundational to intimate relationship and as integral to maintaining and sustaining it. We often enter relationship putting our proverbial best foot forward, and hiding the scuffed shoe on the left foot, or the lame left foot, for fear of rejection. That fear is emotional, and valid. But to give into fear and hide is to actually thwart the very thing we seek, acceptance and affirmation for who we are (part of how i would define "love").

If we viewed communication, having routine "hard conversations" as a prerequisite or qualifier of not only initiating intimate relationship, but of maintaining and sustaining, and i think keeping connection, i wonder if it would become less of a hard thing?

aPeepingMom​(sub female) • May 8, 2023

Isn’t it interesting how everyone communicates so differently? I find that it’s much easier shutting my mouth when it’s online - especially in texting/messaging. I’m much more likely to respond too quickly in person, without thinking it through completely. I can be more thoughtful in my message when I can type it out. It also helps that he can’t see my gritted teeth or eye rolls (although I usually tell him that I’m thankful he can’t see my face at the moment).