Openness as a challenge to finding relationship

Openness as a challenge to finding relationship

tallslenderguy​(other male) • Jun 24, 2023

i reached out to a Man today, fairly tentative, but honest and open. He's in NY i'm in OR, but i see His profile often and am always drawn in and attracted to Him, so i initiated. He responded with an email address, and i wrote. He has responded positively to what i have written, He obviously likes what He is reading/seeing and says so, which has further opened me.
One of the questions He asked is why i am single? It got me thinking, and i answered honestly, it's not for lack of effort on my part. In fact, when there is just a glimmer of hope, i often have to be careful not to drown a Guy with my openness. i don't wear my heart on my sleeve, but i do know how to be and practice openness. i think openness is central, foundational to connecting with others, and the more open we are, the more opportunity to connect and maybe even bond with another.

Of course, not everyone wants to connect or bond (with me lol), so i don't wear my heart on my sleeve.

What i have encountered is Guys Who return the openness/vulnerability are rare. It's one of the main reasons i'm still 'single' (i'm not necessarily looking for marriage, but would like some form of intimate relationship where each opens and shares their heart with the other). i do not find Guys Who are either willing to be open or know how to be open? i find lots of Guys Who love my being open, but when i express that i want that in return, i get blank stares or ghosted.

At first i thought it was just me, that i was turning Guys off somehow. But over time i have realized there are lots of guys who really want and like when another is emotionally open and available. Where it usually ends is when i ask for them to be open in return. I've even taken to explaining upfront in an exchange that my openness is not endless, but dependent on mutuality, that i shut down if i do not feel things are balanced.

i think i have identified it as (my) number one challenge to finding intimate, ongoing relationship? i'd like to hear from others about this. i'm wondering how common it is? i guess i'm a sort of niche group as a gay total bottom with sub, but i don't think i'm all that rare or unique in that respect and i think this stuff crosses differences whether straight, bi, gay, or _________________.

Yuan​(dom female) • Jun 24, 2023

It's like in a relation (any type) if only one side gives and gives ....but doesn't receive the same back then he doesn't get refilled (with others energy) and at one point the person who continued to give will be all hollowed out.
There have to be a check and balance.

I don't know about others but I feel it's really common challenge when you are looking for the one. To receive the same energy as you tend to give is rare to find. It doesn't even have to be a sexual relation or dynamic. Even between friends this type of one sided giving relation is toxic.

Daddyslittlebabydoll • Jun 25, 2023

I loved reading your post! And no, you are NOT strange or the only person experiencing this on this site or in life! I'm a straight heterosexual female looking for men too and get the same response all the time. I guess it's just a guy thing whenever they don't have the emotional intelligence that people like you and me are looking for. Same thing with me. They LOVE my openness and willingness to share with them, but the minute I ask them to reciprocate the exchange of emotion, information, or effort I have gotten blank stares and have been ghosted! Trust me, it's THEM, not you or me.

A friend of mine (a guy) encouraged me to demand that they share first, then I share! Because we all agree that if they get what they want from us first, they're gonna take it and run! It's a shame that so many adults behave like children!

Kittenlikestocuddle

Musetta​(sub female) • Jun 25, 2023

This is a great conversation! So glad you started it Tall and I agree with Yuan that it can be toxic when the other person doesn’t reciprocate. And with Kitten. I’ve learned to be more vulnerable and as you’ve all said, dudes love it.
I’m not sure how much of it is about emotional intelligence. It’s about a lot of things. I can only speak from the perspective of a woman who dates men. I don’t know if what I’m going to say applies equally to men who date men.
I feel like my openness taps into their need to be needed. As far as their being willing to give the same in return? In the states we don’t make a lot of space for men and their feelings. Most straight guys can identify with being asked for their truth by a partner, and then being punished when the partner doesn’t like what they say. Or when it comes to them showing vulnerability, many have experienced partners losing respect for them when they show certain emotions. That’s in addition maybe to the ways a lot of guys aren’t taught/don’t learn emotional intelligence.
These days I only really open up, when it feels like we’ve established a connection that warrants openness. I’m okay if it takes the guy longer to do so. As long as he shows up in a way that tells me his openness is a matter of ‘when’ not ‘if’.
But yeah, Tall, Yuan, Kitten…I feel your pain.

Shaded​(dom male) • Jun 25, 2023

I do think this might be a man thing, although not exclusively. We are taught from a very early age not to cry, take it on the chin, be strong, don't overshare with your mates. It is conditioning. Sharing is seen as weakness - and weakness is unattractive - especially in the world of competing against other males for a partner.

I may be speaking out of turn here regarding modern day man as I am of another generation, but I still see macho everywhere. Wisdom or experience leads me to say 'stuff that'. Be a human. There is a depth of emotion within us all and supressing it only leads to inner conflict and unhappiness. How much better to share them and enjoy them. How much more rewarding to let someone see the real you. Surely that has to be the goal. To be seen.

Great post Tall. Made me think.

Bunnie • Jun 25, 2023

@tallslenderguy,

As someone who very much resonates along the same lines as you speak, I too have this experience. It is quite rare to find men (especially younger than 55) who have found that place within themselves where they’re comfortable to sit firmly in their own space, enough to be vulnerable. I think because it requires having walked that path of facing the truth of one’s own self. Why it’s more of a “man thing,” I don’t know. Perhaps it is as others have suggested and is a reflection of society, or perhaps it’s more along the lines of having to do with biology. I can’t speak of which it would be. However, I can definitely see how this would be a struggle for you to find (especially in a Top), as I think you are quite unique in the sense of who you are and how you connect as a man. As they say… or maybe as I say lol… unfortunately on the road less travelled there are far fewer travellers.

Louise777​(sub female){None} • Jun 25, 2023

Thank you for your post...it has been my problem with relationships too...except I do wear my heart on my sleeve and do get hurt when people don't reciprocate. I honestly think it's a man thing...being "tough" and all that jazz...but its hard to accept especially when they want you to be open...

tallslenderguy​(other male) • Jun 25, 2023

Wow, some wonderfully thoughtful responses, thank you all for responding!

i am reading this before going to work, and won't be able to respond more fully till i'm back off my rotation. i'm a critical care nurse and work 13 hour shifts, so do not do much other than shower then sleep after i get off work, but i'll be off again starting Tuesday and will be able to reply... so many great replies that i cannot do justice to in just a few minuted, evoking lots of thoughts and feelings.

autisticbarbie • Jun 26, 2023

Guys don't tend to like my vulnerability and honesty. They usually just want ass with as little hassle as possible. I'm not giving out free ass to strange men on the interwebs, so we usually end at an impasse.

Seriously, tallslender, you seem like a good guy. You will find your person. Keep being you; it's refreshing

LordofPain56 • Jun 27, 2023

TSG, you may remember me telling how I once had a "tell-all" profile on a different website (which never garnered much interest), so I think I can sympathize. On the other hand, the way my mind is built, it seems I am happy to allow others to reciprocate openness in their good time. My attitude seems to be that they will divulge when they are ready, but that they may have doubt's about opening up right now.
Ultimately though, the way my system works, is that there is a compatibility test to determine if a relationship can even begin, which occurs after long hours of sharing information. So, at some point, if that person holds back their answers, there's a pretty good bet they are hiding something and probably not worth going forward with. To me, honesty and open communication are absolute essentials.