"Why are Dommes so Rude?!"

"Why are Dommes so Rude?!"

aradialspire​(dom femme) • Nov 1, 2023

So I see this come up a lot in threads, in personal conversations, and I thought it would be interesting to bring it up here.

Why are Dommes so rude to new subs that approach them?

Now, imagine if you're a Domme and you're being hounded regularly by needy little bottoms that want all their wishes fulfilled, and they just regularly ghost and reappear at their leisure. Most, if not all, of them aren't actually submissives - they're sensation seekers. WHICH IS FINE. Nothing wrong with being a kinkster.

But if you're a Domme and you are really trying to seek out an actual SUBMISSIVE DYNAMIC that's going to work, and you are constantly hitting the wall for whatever reason... imagine how sick of that shit you're going to get after a time. I'm sure the same goes for Doms too, after a while. I can only speak from my experience as a Female Dominant, though. It sucks putting all this effort into preparing scenarios, getting to know someone and formulating things to work JUST right. But it's part of Dom life, we've all been there.

People don't read anything, they're just like "Ooh, it has a cunt and I like the way it looks, I pick that one!" and it's off to the races. You can have zero in common in terms of attraction, kinks, interest, but it doesn't matter, they're SUBMISSIVE and that means you have to take them. It's unhinged. And they want you to sink all this time and creativity into them, but what do they offer?

"Well, you get to dominate me!" You and a thousand other people, Patrick. Submission does not set you apart in the population you're competing with. It's so goddamn low effort it HURTS.

Just some perspective there as to why you offering total submission without even a hello and a blurry picture of a headless torso might not inspire a response from her. It's tired, it's pointless, you'd offer it to anyone with a set of tits. That kind of submission may as well be a bunched up penny candy wrapper from under a carseat the way some people treat it

Miki • Nov 1, 2023

I haven't come across many dommes but they did not strike me as rude. Of course I don't "ask" anything, I just have ordinary text (not phone. written, like the message inbox in here or the occasional email) conversations covering an assortment of non-kink topics and then move on.

I can definitely see where anyone, BDSM or not can get exasperated and seem to be rude. Being direct an honest can seem "rude" to some.

On the other end, those who think dommes are rude would do well to look back and re-examine their approach.

Similarly but not related to BDSM at all, or relationships in general, consider the experiences of those who window shop at a car lot and some sales rep comes flying out of the showroom and turns on the pressure tactics.

Sooner or later, especially if one has not really decided what they want, they'll tell the guy (usually, at least around here) to get lost and should they find a vehicle of interest they'll go inside and inquire.

Anyone who gets inundated with shit like that is going to reach a point where they will be brusque and direct and that might seem "rude" but it's not. The one doing the come-ons is actually the rude one whether they realize it or not. Door swings both ways at that saloon.

tallslenderguy​(other male) • Nov 1, 2023

aradialspire, thank you for sharing! OMG, i lost it when i read: "Ooh, it has a cunt, and I like the way it looks, I pick that one!" LMAO, but so common, eh?

Of course, it's nothing as generic or universal as "...Dommes so rude," but an exhausted response from those Who/who are real, invested, not self absorbed, listening, looking, to those Who/who are not. It's the stupid and lazy notion that assuming a label earns one an expected response.

Thanks for spelling it out so well.

Steellover​(sub male) • Nov 2, 2023

Speaking partly from experience here: A lot of new submissives, particularly men, may suddenly be overcome with newly-discovered thrills of submitting, or wanting to submit. But they know nothing about the actual relationship dynamics involved, and, in their eagerness, toss simple courtesy to the wind and do not really know how to approach their partners correctly. And the dominants, for their part, get put off by tons of horny men sending unsolicited messages (and possibly even worse, naked pics) saying how "I want you to do this and that and the other thing to me." So, after a while, I can see how that would get pretty old, pretty fast.

Also, not every self-described dominant is even into kink/BDSM play at all. As someone seeking a partner, you really have to read and understand what people are really seeking in return, and it may not always be the same thing you are. I have encountered plenty of "Vanilla Dommes" on sites like this, who want a submissive partner, but one who is more service-oriented than kink-oriented. Or they want someone who is willing to give in to all of their relationship demands without all the kinky "play" scenarios coming into it.

Miki • Nov 2, 2023

@steelover:

Inexperience and misconception are the primary culprits when it comes to male subs, switches and female subs. Some only have a perfunctory idea of BDSM, usually from productions that depict an outside-looking-in depiction, stuff done by those who aren't familiar with the nuts and bolts of all this.

I never saw it but read about it.. "50 Shades..." does not depict anything other than a part of BDSM.

So these overenthusiastic subs think that kind of thing is the be-all and end-all of this crap and come at a known dom or domme "beat me" "I'll kneel before you" and other stuff that is all wrong and only serve to annoy any dominant to the point where they want the would-be sub / slave to just get lost.

That can appear as "rude" but in reality, there is no other choice.

aPeepingMom​(sub female) • Nov 2, 2023

I think the exact same thing can be said for a lot of Doms as well:
- they are experiencing the newly-discovered thrills of controlling, or wanting to control
- they know nothing about the actual relationship dynamics involved
- they toss simple courtesy to the wind
- they do not really know how to approach their partners correctly

It makes me wonder about the common denominator(s).

boundforlove​(sub male) • Nov 2, 2023

Yeah, it's definitely a two way street, even if the scale seems tilted to some. People can be rude as hell, Dommes, subs, and switches included. I've had my fair share of dominant women ignore my profile and personals just to ask me to take a pic of X 5 sentences in or that she'd want me to do Y to her if we were in the same room. Don't get me wrong, sexual convo can be fun, but not when they ignore or glaze over everything else (especially when they're just starting to know you). It's beyond frustrating because I don’t want to be someone's quick sexual-fix that gets ghosted once they've had their fun.
Unfortunately, the only thing we can do is control how we react to these people and try to prevent more people like that from entering our lives in the future.

dollMaker​(dom male) • Nov 2, 2023

For myself I have found, experienced 99% issues from those who identify as male, and submissive, not so much those who identify as female, and submissive. My inbox has regularly, though in cyclical waves, been full of people pretty much demanding I take them on, with the first message.

I can but imagine (though I have over the years from time to time, been shown the sort of messages female dominants get) how bad, how creepy, demanding, nasty, blindly thirsty, entitled, de humanising the messages are that land in their inboxes. Those landing in mine have been, at times pretty disgusting, and I might as well be a slot coin operated kink vending machine as a person. Depending on the degree of blind raw thirst contained in that message I might try and offer some advice about the best way to go about making an approach, often ignored, or greeted with vitriol. More recently I block with no response to the messager because I know, gut feeling I will be wasting my time trying to educate.

I think making excuses for vile, creepy, pushy, super thirsty messages, just because someone is new, and submissive is BS, if you wouldn’t behave like that in vanilla life then don’t here either. Don’t go round treating people like your personal kink machine, trying to force your kinks on people, or because you are a sub you have any right to anyones time or kink energy, because you don’t. Be a decent human being first and you will stand out over the multitudes of those who aren’t.

Frankly imagine your inbox full of this nonsense, all the time, and how you might respond to it, try to be empathetic towards those having to deal with it. Its not rude to say stop, and no.

Notely • Nov 2, 2023

For each and thier own take with a grain of salt
Not saying everyone is like this but can happen just have to be careful.

But some sub hats that will play to be a Dom but really are a Sub but will try to get the Sub to Dom and force it in ways to trap them they will act like it pretty much moving to fast in to long term til they like they move in even to relocate even turn on the person the sub hat starting kneeling and acting weird they lied that you pretty much have to tell them to get out trust was broken.



They only see what they know so they have to learn the hard way so they end here and they will have to grow as a person or it won't work.  But they Read stories and see it in pictures and videos so they get hot about it but really need to enlighten themselves to calm it down a bit that adults need to have maturity as well if not won't work, grow for themself have some maturity without the sex part and control the habit of wanting it now the right way.  They need to keep the snake in the cage and treat the other person like anyone else like an interview or friend. Understanding is the reflection of what you want to attack but they will need to respect thier manners to themselves and the future person. If they come in forceful and desperate it can scare the right person away.  Grow a connection first get them on a good vibe level grow the bond but you really can't force a connection it has to be a two person connection click they will have to go through few people in thier life til they find it. Relationships are not the first thing that all comes later, that submission comes later also being earned both ways with energy being shown over time with trust. It has to be more then just gifts but to love them and show them and lead the things come from he heart because gifts are things you have to look inside the real person's soul.

But them a  thier  is are fairy tale Fims Dom  stuff but really gets old  do not understand what a Domme thing they only wan't sub to give them things try to make the broke and tell them to go away that kind of thing only because the person is lazy does want to get get a job so they use as excuse to be in the lifestyle but the people figure it out work gets around that people soon to ignore. Yes, it's not allowed . But be careful just because you have fastasy don't get attached to things, do not give you the same respect in return they are not showing up for you then they are wasting your time.  Gotta respect people or find yourself getting in legal matters if you hurt a sub even.

But then again thier also Sub hats  that wasn't a Domme to be a like a caretaker be thier personal independent person want them to pay for everything also why they just sit around do nothing.   yes it two people with team work cause one person can't do it all. They will ask anyone to be thier mistress or domme they gotta get it do for themself know one gonna do for them No free hand outs everything is earned not just given.
 

There are also subs that will bother other subs think they are Domme they are not they can not force people does not work that way they going to fine themself being ignored by the whole community with this behavior
you just have to say gonna me a No still a no not say much no answer if they don't get it blocked no question asked they should respect your wishes. You have to ignore it, don't read it or they will keep bothering you. Some people use this as a game best to give them a chance to show you got more power you don't have time for. 

Sincorrigible​(sub female) • Nov 2, 2023

I do not know how many times I have said the words: people first.

I don't get why a lot of people in the kink world miss that point, ad infinitum, ad nauseum.