Coming across as a Domme

Coming across as a Domme

Little Vixie​(sub female){Mgh30} • Nov 25, 2023

So I keep coming across the issue of stating everywhere that I am a bottom and having men beg and plead for me to top for me. I think they keep mistaking my everyday independence as me wanting to domme or my bratty energy as such. It's gotten to the point that I can only play with men that are dominant. Those that identify as a switch usually say "im okay with topping all the time" when I tell them that I do not top, which then turns into "hey will you peg me" or "I want to be the bottom".

I feel like I'm very open with what I am into and what I do, but I just had this occur. Anyone else dealing with this?

Sincorrigible​(sub female) • Nov 26, 2023

Has happened to me many times. To this day.

I simply tell them I'm not looking to top /dominate anyone. I'm looking for someone to whom I can submit. (whining to be dominated/pegged etc from a switch usually rules them out).

I even had one submissive bloke, years ago, who wheedled and wheedled for me to dominate him. He created a new profile, alleging he was dominant, and tried to get to me that way. I mean, what the actual?

People are strange. But a courteous and firm'no thank you, that isn't what I seek' works 95% of the time.

Steellover​(sub male) • Nov 28, 2023

Here's my advice on how to handle such would-be submissives (whose submission you have absolutely no use for):

Tell them this: "Okay then slave, as your new Mistress your job is to obey my every command. Do you understand, slave? Good. And my command is to get out of my sight and never contact me again. Do not disobey your mistress by continuing to try and contact me!"

That should give them a pretty none too subtle hint.

tallslenderguy​(other male) • Nov 28, 2023

The gay community uses identifiers like: "Top, bottom, versatile, and more recently side" extensively. "Dom and sub" are pretty common, but are considered more of a kink from my experience, whereas the prior identifiers are pretty universal.

A very common topic on gay discussion forums is guys who identify as "versatile" but are really bottom. It's also common to see "versatile top" or "versatile bottom" as identifiers.

At the end of the day, they're all just words we use to try and convey individual identity, eh? i think what many of us run into is there is a large number of people online who are simply new, inexperienced or ignorant of those terms and interacting with other people who use them.

i put it down to a type of ego/ethnocentricity where people are often unconscious that their particular wants/needs are not universal. Sort of like the American who goes to France for the first time and finds out French people eat mayonnaise on their pomme frites ('French fries) and not ketchup. I.e., it's outside the realm of their experience and they need to be educated... which, as you have noticed, doesn't always take lol.

Some are more open to learning than others. i believe a big part of what appears as ignorance or, lack of listening and learning even after it's been explained, is many people approach relationship as a quid-pro-quo prospect vs compatibility. I.e., many think if they do something for you (e.g. top you) that you should return the favor. i think many, if not most?, of those people land on the "versatile" section of the human sexuality spectrum and are simply ego/ethnocentric, assuming everyone eats fries with ketchup, or everyone tops and bottoms like they do.

With many, if they cannot relate, they simply do not believe or grasp there is such a thing as a "Total Top" or "total bottom."

Miki​(masochist female) • Nov 28, 2023

Back before I un-ticked the "Show Role" button on my profile preferences, it showed "Masochist Female" -- yet I had some drift-in "femboy" type, as he self identified, asking me to peg him. I blinked a few times and told the guy I totally do not do that. I am not dominant. The closest I got to topping was either humping a smooth and propely sized bed post or doing the cowgirl or reverse cowgirl thing on a guy.

Anyway he was a "drift in"-- the ones who open free accounts, send out awkward posts on the Forums insterad of in Personals-- for dominants to come and own their asses. -- Luckily, these dudes disappear in a short period of time once they figure out that they have no clue as to how this BDSM stuff really works and that whatever is contained in external literature such as "50 Shades" -- or the overabundance of porn out there-- is very inaccurate and often written or put together by eople equally un-knowing of the true workings of this shit.

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So to sum up, Vixie- Those dudes will pop up every now and then and best you can do is either inore the poor fucks, or write back and tell them you're not a dominant.

House Talion​(dom male) • Nov 28, 2023

It's not what it seems. There's too many boys out there willing to do whatever it takes to get laid. Sure they'll promise you the world through endless messages till you meet them irl, but then they do whatever they can to get what they want and will always claim some poor excuse of their ignorance after they've had their way with you.

Byrdie​(switch female){rl only} • Nov 28, 2023

Just be you. You're fine.

These guys are phishing. It's a numbers game. They hit on everyone they remotely think is likely until they get what they want. You're not doing anything to attract them. It's a scattershot approach.

"Nope." is an entire sentence and does not require any explanation or follow-up. If they read your profile and still hit you up to top them, that says more about them than it does you. If they don't read your profile before contacting you, doubly so.

When I first signed onto this site, I got contacted by two dominant men AS I WAS SETTING UP MY PROFILE. That is, within a minute of starting to create my account here. I can only assuming that they kept refreshing the "new member" section until someone identifying as female logged on, and just shot off prewritten messages in the hopes of getting to her first and beating the competition.

I didn't see the messages until after I finished setting up the barebones of my profile. By the time I noticed I had new messages, one had followed up on his own with, Okay "Domme." He'd gone from hopeful to sour grapes before I could even read his messages.

Send nopes. Send prewritten copy pasta. Use, to quote Kevin Smith, KA-BLOCK! Just weed through them until you find messages from people who could be potential partners for whatever you're looking for.

Good luck!

Miki​(masochist female) • Nov 28, 2023

Everyone's results vary but for me, these types of guys go away shortly after I tell them "No, I am not into this and will not meet up with you"

Same with actual doms who take a bit to realize I truly ain't looking. Not for the foreseeable future. I enjoy my independence and (most of the time) tranquil solitude.