Should I stop and leave the community?

Should I stop and leave the community?

silentnotes​(sub female) • Dec 8, 2023

So, I struggle a lot with mental health and I can be very insecure. I'm working on it and I'm in therapy getting help. I just run into the same issues again and again. I'm very timid when it comes to sexual affection or intimacy because I had some bad experiences and I feel like I should just give up trying to be a part of the community because it just causes so many issues with other people.
I feel bad every time I just can't give what other people can without issue

xaiverc​(dom male) • Dec 8, 2023

SilentNotes,

The question you pose is a difficult one, and in the end, only you can answer. This lifestyle is challenging, when things are going well. When emotions run high, or out of control, it can be truly frightening. Too many "doms" are really just players, they are here for a a "hit it and quit it", years ago I would refer to them as "Craigslist Doms", pretending to play a part to either get what they want sexually, or just be abusive to a sub. It's really saddening to think of how many sub have been hurt and turned away from the lifestyle because of people like that...

As for you, again only you can answer that question. I would encourage you to speak with your therapist regarding the lifestyle. If they are not familiar with folks who engage in the lifestyle, then you might want to find a new/additional one to speak with about your feelings. However the most difficult part is find a dom who will take the time to get to know you. Your strengths, and where you need some lifting up. What you enjoy, and what you need to stay clear of doing. Any dom who's not willing to invest the months it takes to learn a sub needs... is either in for the scene (nothing wrong with that, as long as both parties are away and agree) or just their own gratification.

My sub has gone through quite a bit in her past, most of the time she pretty willing to explore whatever I have in mind. A few times a year, what she needs is to have her collar changed and for me to just sit with her. (Before you others start screaming "She's trying to top from the bottom!", that's simply not the case).

You can always step away for a while and return when you're in a better place, no one worth being with will judge you differently. As doms we have a responsibility to taking care of both the physical needs, as well as that of the headspace. If your not finding that dom, step back, or just wait until you find one that will.

I wish you all the best in your quest for better health. Take care of yourself, once you're well along that journey... the rest will eventually fall into place.

Keep the faith, and best of luck!

.X

Beautiful eyes​(sub female)​{Taken} • Dec 9, 2023

I hope you are OK. Your mental health is important. It can be very overwhelming at times, especially when you get a lot of messages. Don't be too hard on yourself.
You don't have to leap in, take your time.
It can be addictive when you are chatting and things are stimulating.
Remember you can always take breaks when ever you feel it's too much.
Like you, I have had a lot happen in my past. I am not the most affectionate, however I have found someone who draws that side out. Its freeing.

Try not to worry about others people. People will think what they want to. Their issues are not yours.
I wish you well sweetie and I hope you find your way xxx

Miki​(masochist female) • Dec 9, 2023

Hoping for the best for you...

Only stop and leave if you feel uncomfortable. But rather than leave, take a break as needed.

One way to reduce the Inbox traffic (in theory anyway, some don't even read profiles) -- adjust it to emphasize that you prefer to get to know people, write back and forth and go from there, although with online meets-- like the Personals ads in the paper of yesteryear, you only get to "see" their good side, so a lot of conversations are a good idea, either text or voice once you're comfortable and you should eventually get a "vibe" or even a hunch about who or what is on the other end after honest conversation. Oftentimes "bad actors" can only keep the good front up for so long.

But (only a suggestion) Edit out the "I'm a sub looking..." That's flypaper for all sorts, good and bad and no one needs to weed through haystacks of potential doms to find that needle of interest without "falling backwards" and end up sitting on the wrong end of the pitchfork.

------------------------------------------------

As for what is in your profile regarding your top-age range, no one has the right to criticize that. You go with an age group with which you are comfortable, not what society and any P C police dictate. "Discrimination" is "bad-bad" in terms of housing, employment and so-forth but when it comes to personal, potentially intimate relationships, there is no such thing as "equal opportunity under penalty of law".

If that were the case and people were forced to exercise "diversity" and "inclusion" in their personal choices and beliefs... we'd all be up to our asses in miserable relationships, and those benefit neither and can harm both. As I often write when mis-matches come into play:

"It's No Good If You Gotta Force It!"

Other than that, I also am sorry you ended up with bad relationships that hurt you. You are young yet and quite likely resilient with time. Plus, although unfortunate that happened in the first place, you might have learned something from them. What to look out for, how to avoid mistakes some often make such as moving too quickly, being too trusting, generous with your time... The list can go on.

"That which doesn't kill us makes us stronger." Another time worn but valid little tidbit worth keeping in your proverbial pocket.

Best of luck! Take your time! and remember... Even "yellow flags", however small, bear at least a closer evaluation.

There are lots of great people in here, but as with any social setting, online or IRL, there are always one or two apples with hidden worms.

Bounce the apple around long enough and they will show themselves.



MM

fluffypoppet​(sub female)​{Protected} • Dec 9, 2023

My heart goes out to you. That mental health struggle can be brutal.

When I was new, I thought the biggest potential threat was physical damage. But... bruises fade more quickly than unseen damage.

There are some things I've found help me navigate my personal difficulties. Perhaps they might help you too?
- Being part of the community. (Not actively seeking intimate dynamics- just connections and friends. No pressure; no ambition.)
- Saving decisions for when I feel grounded. (No negotiations or major decisions when I feel off. I have a Protector to help me make decisions when I'm not quite myself.)
- Stepping back if something/someone online is triggering to me. (But not giving up... giving up seems like a commitment. During these times, I still remain connected to my dearest kinky friends- but I might leave the site for a time.)
- Understanding and accepting my needs and boundaries. (This takes time, but it is vitally important.)
- Being able to communicate my needs and boundaries to others. (I'm working on better identifying when others are incapable of honoring my needs/boundaries. That's a tricky one for me and needs improvement.)
- Not measuring my journey or comfort level against those around me.
These are all things that help me remain in the community while I work to find my balance.

Please feel free to reach out to me privately if you want a chat. :: hugs ::

Mattysub​(sub male) • Dec 9, 2023

Hey,

Tried to message privately but it wouldn’t let me.

Although I’m also a sub happy to talk and help if possible. Maybe discussing experiences might? If you wished to reply to this comment and will find another way to connect

Re: Should I stop and leave the community?

tallslenderguy​(other male) • Dec 9, 2023

Hope the readers will forgive the use of cliche', but they both strike me as fitting.

"Know thyself"

and

"To thine own self be true."

It has not been that long since homosexuality was considered a pathology. It was removed from the American Psychiatric Association (APA) Diagnotistc and Statistical Manual (DSM) in 1973. That's an evolving manual.

my point is, what may generally considered by society or a particular culture as "sick" is sometimes just that, a prevailing social/cultural point of view and not an indication of true pathology.

BDSM can be a dynamic and edgy culture, but it is a culture and "community." i'm a gay guy who doesn't fit into a lot of the gay community. my guess is that's not all that unusual, that many here can say: "I'm ____________, but don't exactly, or even nearly, fit___________," (common or even uncommon factors inherent to the community to which they have been generally relegated).

What i read in your post is a person who is in the (never ending) process of knowing their self. i think therapy with the right therapist can be great, that pretty much anyone can benefit from it. An idea with good "therapy" is to provide objective reflection of who and how you are, then hopefully work with you to discover how to live with who and how you are, or change if 'need' be.

i would not presume to tell you to "give up [or not] trying to be a part of the community...." i think only you should decide that. i think it's a sign of health and maturity that you are looking for input. i will express that i don't think the answer is an "all" or "nothing" proposal, but a matter of finding custom made methods and solutions born out of knowing and being true to your self.

vv V vv​(sadist male) • Dec 10, 2023

This is something I like about this community of high functioning dysfunctionals (no offense) we all have past traumas but when someone is feeling not right and finds themselves at a crossroad we drop all the bs of our lives and our past to help a fellow human with some kind words and wisdom.

Silent I can’t say anything that already hasn’t been said earlier, there is some good advice and sound wisdom from the others.
The choice is ultimately up to you and what is best for you. I may not be able to relate but I’m here if you want to vent, scream, or just talk.

Bravo Dom and sub mommies and daddies

Re: Should I stop and leave the community?

IronWorld​(sadist male) • Dec 10, 2023

The lifestyle can be an intoxication on its own as it offers the possibility of finding someone you can just open up to entirely and be accepted for everything you are, good and bad. We're nearly the closest thing to the island of misfit toys.

The biggest issues I've seen with those with insecurities is that they tend to be resistant to permanent repairs. At best they can be given temporary patches and if you're lucky you'll find someone who wont mind the regular upkeep, but just keep in mind, regardless of the type of relationship you're in, you'll most likely have to give more of yourself in other areas just to counterbalance the things you feel you can not give. You'll need to discuss those insecurities with your partner, share their origins, boundaries, triggers and what helps the most when you feel the need to express your personal brokenness. Above all, be HONEST. Some people with insecurities will rip the patch off on their own just to see if the person they're with will love them enough to re-apply it. If the partner recognizes that behavior as manipulative or toxic, the relationship and everything it could be will die.

I would say, if you feel the need to, put the lifestyle on hold until you understand your insecurities more. Then come back to it if you feel you can either work around it or offer more to balance what you can not easily offer. Best of luck to you.

darlingdiana​(sub female) • Dec 12, 2023

It is Your decision and NO one else's. You owe nobody here anything, and you are good enough the way you are. You have s much right to be here as anyone else and move at exactly your pace to enjoy the site like everyone else.
Don't mind the ones who bite, they find another to bite
I don't think there is 1 single person here or anywhere that has perfect mental health.
As one Dom said to me "keep being yourself, be KIND to yourself, You deserve much more than the things women should not go through"
He had nothing to gain, and I am not on his "list".
There are some really great people here, and it would be a shame to not have some You time, whenever You feel like it and dabble in how you like to explore here.
Welcome and Thanks for being brave, speaking out on mental health and sharing your active steps moving forward. That in itself is a huge LEAP that many do not understand the strength that takes!
Congrats, and i am glad you are here.